Parity...Please

Not many in Bluff Diver Nation get the pleasure of dealing with drunken idiots on a daily basis as I do. In fact, most Bluff Divers are these drunken idiots. But nevertheless, every week some total knob-job comes into the bar and attempts to argue sports with yours truly. They will say asinine things like, “the NFL is not fixed,” “turn off this baseball crap I think the Pens preseason game is on,” “Journey is the greatest band of all time,” and “The Pirates should have kept Nate McClouth.” Most of the time I shrug this off as drunken Yinzers being drunken Yinzers and placate there idiocy, but recently I nearly fist fought a patron who tried to argue with me that there is parity in every professional sport except baseball because there is no salary cap. Clearly sir you are a moron. This one got me fired up.

Let’s face it, teams like the Pittsbrugh Pirates stinking for the better part of twenty years has more to do with the fact that they are horribly run organizations than any financial disparity in Major League Baseball. Don’t believe me? Think the Sox and Yankees are the pariah of the sporting world and Major League Baseball is so botched up?…well let’s look at some numbers:

Since 2000 (not including the 2009 season), MLB has had 8 different World Series champions and 0 repeat champions. The NBA has had 5 champions, the NFL 6. The NFL and NBA have both had repeat champs. MLB has had 14 different teams in the World Series. The NBA Finals has seen 10 different teams. The NFL has had 13 different teams make it to the Super Bowl. Want a smaller sample, from 2005-2008, 20 different teams in MLB have made the playoffs. Want a larger sample, since the Wild Card era began, all but 4 teams have made the playoffs? Can you guess the four? Let me help you out: Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Montreal/Washington, and the Toronto Blue Jays. Yes, three of these are considered “small market/low payroll” teams but look at the teams that have made the playoffs (some winning championships)in this same time frame: Milwaukee, Cincinnati, Oakland, Minnesota, Florida, Tampa Bay, Baltimore, Cleveland, San Diego, Detroit, and Arizona. Keep in mind that these stats reign true despite the fact that MLB, BY FAR, boasts the lowest percentage of its teams making the postseason.

MEMO TO YOU IDIOTS: BASEBALL PARITY IS NOT ONLY A REALITY BUT MAY EVEN USURP THE SO-CALLED GREAT PARITY IN THE NFL. Believe it or not, the same teams in the NFL are always good (Steelers, Patriots, Colts, Eagles, etc.), and for the most part the same teams are always bad. Most of you ‘burghers ignore this because you happen to live in a city whose team is always good. Try moving to Cleveland, or Oakland, or Detroit, or Houston, or Kansas City, or D.C. and ask them how they feel about their teams and parity in the NFL. And when someone says, “in football you can stink one year and be good the next and that doesn’t happen in baseball,” they are smoking crack. Its a heck of a lot easiear to improve a 40-man roster than it is to turn around an entire football team. Teams go from worst to first, or at least from worst to competitive, FAR MORE OFTEN in baseball than in football. Look it up. Its true folks. You can have a horrible team in baseball rebound from one year to the next just like you can in football. Just asked the folks in Miami or Tampa or Atlanta or Milwaukee, they will tell you!

And what is this myth about the necessity of parity in sports for the league and the sport to be successful anyways? What about college sports? Everybody seems to love when traditional powers are good. I am a much bigger fan of all college sports (except in baseball) than I am of pro sports. Many of you might feel the same way. Aren’t these big schools analogous to “big market” teams in pro sports? Don’t schools like Texas, Penn State, Alabama, Florida, etc. in football and Kansas, Kentucky, North Carolina, UCONN, etc. in basketball have way more money, better facilities, traditions, and exposure than smaller and less prominent teams that compete at the same level? Aren’t they naturally given a competitive advantage since there is no set draft that favors lower teams getting better players like in pro sports? Yet there seems to be no hoopla, no ballyhoo, no fa chey chey, about the lack of parity in college sports, except of course from Boise State and Utah. And while upsets in the NCAA basketball tourney are what makes that event great, very rarely do we see George Masons make it to the Final Four consitently, let alone win it all.

What does this all mean, Thorton? Well, I for one believe the NFL thrives only due to the amount of legal and illegal gambling that surrounds it. Just point to Roger Goodell trying to mandate that teams report if they are going to sit their players after clinching byes in the playoffs and you will see a glaring example of the connection between the two. Go ahead and watch the Steelers/Chargers game from last year, check the point spread, and then get back to me if you disagree. While some games can be exciting, the vast are by and large boring penalty fests that are ridiculously commercial laden and have less actual game action than all other sports (per a Sports Illustrated study on the subject), about 12 minutes of real action per game. The antichrist-network , ESPN, has shoved the NFL and NBA down our throat in an attempt to knock baseball as much as possible (see their steroid scandal coverage in baseball versus rampant steroid use in the NFL-which really began with the 70’s stiillers-that constantly gets swept under the rug ). Keep in mind EVERY major network and media conglomerate has a vested interest in the success of the NFL and attempts to gonzo the NFL down our throat as well. The same cannot be said for any other sport. Parity in the NFL is one of the many myths that The Man wants you to buy in to. Not being able to compete in baseball as a small market is a similar myth, and should not be a crutch for small market teams to lean their mediocrity upon!

The point of all of this? Don’t believe what they tell you…Baseball is still America’s sport: accessible and affordable to all, representative of all races, continents, countries, and creeds. It is a pastime not based on blackout drunk tailgates, bar fights, gambling, brute violence, and guns in the locker room but one of fathers and sons, enjoying beers on a warm summer day with some buds, patience, grace, excitement, and grit. It is still America’s pastime ….and it is only a couple of months away!

Five Factors....Duquesne vs. Shitt Preview

Well, we have reached it. The eve of the Dukes annual matchup against the Shitt Panthers and their egregious, ridiculously fairweather, awful, smelly fan base. Of all sporting events that take place on a yearly basis, particularly the ones in which the outcome is pretty much in the books, there is no other game that makes me more nervous, anxious, angry, and...well, drunk than the annual "City Game." By the way, I think Pittsburgh's own Dan Cortese came up with that ingenious and creative name when he was the "host" of the game circa 1994. I do believe that one day, when Thorton Mellon is the official game host, that we might come up with a better name for the game...like "Judges versus Janitors," for example. That being said, and since the Hippie Pinko Post-Gazette will only write about State-run institutions, I will now provide some reasons why our Dukes might just win this game. And in doing so will provide, in reality, five reasons they won't.

FIVE X FACTORS IN THE "CITY GAME"

1) Damian Saunders: While still playing out of position he is quickly becoming a dominate offensive and defensive force. He leads the nation in rebounding and is third in the country steals, averaging nearly 17, 16, and 4 per game. He grabbed 16 boards while facing the nation's second leading rebounder, surefire NBA prospect, and third cousin of Ivan Drago, Artisom Parakhouski of Radford (via Belarus). Pitt will run Nasir Robinson and Gary McGhee at him, and his play on both ends of the floor will make or break the Dukes. When he plays inspired basketball, the rest of the team responds to him in much the same way they did to Aaron Jackson, which is rare considering the position he plays.

2) Free Throw Shooting: I know this is a bit obvious and Madden-esque, but both teams are pretty abysmal from the charity stripe (Duq:61% Pitt:65%). This has plagued "Weasel" Dixon and "Teflon" Ron for as long as they both have been at the helm at each...eh em...respective school. "Helm" is a fitting word for both greased up sideline jockeys, isn't it? The team that can get to the line and actually knock down their fouls in clutch moments will come out on top. If they decide to not let Shitt play the mind-numbing, bull shit style typical of Big East rugby, nay basketball teams, the Dukes will get their chances at the line and they will need convert better than the sub-50% they shot against Radford to win.

3) Bench Play: Due to the injury of budding star Melquan Bolding, which I will argue is a bigger blow to the Dukes than Shitt losing Dixon for 8 weeks, the Dukes have been basically going a wopping total of 1-man deep on their bench. Additionally, Rodrigo Peggau is still not seeing minutes due to his bad knee and Melekalika Maka Williams looks like an incredible bust. If they get caught in foul trouble or shoot their emotional wad early, we could be facing a solid dose of Oliver Lewinson for extended parts of the game. I would rather stay at home and watch an endless loop of Failure to Launch than have to witness this in person. Pitt plays eight players and is very deep, albeit very young, in their front court. This could spell trouble for the Dukes.

4) Home-court Disadvantage: The Dukes "sold-out" their home-court advantage against Shitt in order to secure the 2012 NCAA tournament and to make nice-nice with the management staff of the Arena/Consol Energy center. This move will benefit fans of college hoops down the road, bring some cash into the program, and may allow the Dukes to ultimately host the A-10 tournament, but it definitely does not help this team beat the Shitt Panthers tomorrow night. I argued this 7 AND 12 years ago when the Dukes hosted the NCAA tourney...THE GOAL IS TO GO TO THE TOURNEY, NOT HOST IT!...A win against Shitt was way more probable at the Palumbo and would go a long way into legitimizing the Dukes' program in this city. The crowd will be decidedly in favor of Shitt, and this may play a factor if the game is close late and with the officials (who will probably be favoring Shitt anyways). It will also benefit Shitt's perimiter play as well, as the Panthers compete at many more venues with large or no shooting backgrounds, including the Pete. It may take a while for the Dukes to get used to the Arena, a notoriously difficult place to shoot.

5) Curses, and Ghosts, and Gin, oh my!: It is without a doubt that the passing of a certain legendary Bluff Diver, gin drinker, and sexual harrasser had a direct effect on the Dukes' magical run in the Atlantic-Ten tourney last year. Hopefully, the Dukes success will continue in the same fashion tomorrow night. In addition, I planted a Duquesne pin belonging to the curmudgeoned BluffDivers logo-model at Shitt's Chancellor's mansion this past summer in hopes of cursing the program and university that curdled both of our loins! Maybe, just maybe we will have someone looking down on our Dukes from up above that help get us just ONE VICTORY, ONE TIME against Shitt!!! If not, he will no doubt be watching with a smile as we get drunk either way.

LET'S GO DUKES! LET'S GO DUKES! LET'S GO DUKES!

Interview with the Enemy Part 2

Here is the interview I did with the number 1 biased Dayton Flyers website in the world, www.blackburnreview.com. These guys are awesome and know their shit, despite being from Ohio. Please comment here on www.bluffdivers.com or on their site...a good showing from bluff diver nation will be appreciated. Please keep in mind that this interview was given prior to Pitt strong-arming the Dukes into moving their game at the Palumbo to the Arena.

DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY: BACK FROM THE BRINK

The Duquesne University Dukes are coming off a stellar year where they quietly turned in a fantastic season. This year, they will not be able to sneak up on the competition. I got the exciting privilege to interview Thorton Mellon of the fantastic all things Duquesnse blog, Bluff Divers. We talked about the Dukes continuing on last year's success, what it means to have a true out of conference schedule, Ron Everhart staying in Pittsburgh forever and ever, and of course, that fucking insane "language" called Pittsburghese.

DD: Let's take a look back at Duquesne's stellar 2008-09 season. The Dukes finished 21-13 and not many people across the country will remember this but the Dukes were just 6 points away from an NCAA berth. While an NIT bid (the first postseason berth of any kind since 1994) is nothing to sneer at if you are a Dukes fan, it had to be a little heartbreaking knowing that the NCAA Tournament was so close, yet so far away. How would you rate last season in terms of all time Duquesne basketball history?

TM: To put everything in perspective, the Dukes season last year was like a really good trip to Vegas. The Dukes' run in the A-10 tourney championship was like unexpectedly waking up with $3,000 in your pocket after crushing a three card poker table in drunken stupor. And even though losing in the A-10 Championship was like blowing 2 of those g's at Sapphire without having your love muscle juiced, the trip was well worth the good times. It was also an invaluable experience for what was the youngest team in D1 hoops last year and really opened a lot of eyes to what type of team the Dukes have the potential to be.

On a side note: The A-10's worst officiating crew that had screwed us ridiculously at St. Joe's, among several other occasions, was calling the A-10 championship game. You know, the short old guy with white hair comb-over and the two black guys. The one who doesn't blow his whistle at all and the one who I think accidentally chokes on it then makes up a call. So I pretty much knew weren't going to win. FYI Jim Satilin (former disgruntled Dukes head coach who left the program in ruins in 1987) is the head of the A-10 officials, so we never seem to get any favorable calls, home or away. Every questionable call went in Temple's favor down the stretch and at least four missed calls went against the Dukes in the final five minutes. Conspiracy theory? You tell me.

Last season was tremendous and I think that the Dukes have a chance to sustain a high level of play for a long time to come. The first postseason appearance since 1994 is nothing to shake a stick at, but the best season in Dukes history is undoubtedly the 1955 NIT championship year. As I am sure you are aware, the NIT was really considered to be the premier tournament back then and when the #6 DUKES beat #9 DAYTON at the Garden in the final. The victory was considered by most pundits to be the true National Title. Both the Flyers and Dukes that year would have mopped the floor with an NCAA “Champion” San Francisco team that featured Bill Russell. This is according to the late, great Pops Jordanoff (Duquesne junior in '55, legendary Bluff Diver hof'er, Robert Goulet look-a-like, and model for the Bluff Divers logo). The '55 Dukes team featured back-to-back #1 overall NBA picks in Dick Ricketts and Sihugo Green. Duquesne remains the only team in NBA history to have back-to-back #1 overall picks. The Dukes continued to be a powerhouse in the fifties, sixties, and seventies, and as of 1980 were the 5th winningest program in college hoops history (Kentucky, UNC, Kansas, Duke, and Duquesne!!! No seriously, I am not bullshitting you on this one). So while last season was a great ride and a blast for long time Dukes fans, we still have a long long way to go.

DD: How can Duquesne build on that successful year? It looks as if Duquesne is returning a lot of players that will only help build on that successful season. However, Everhart and Co. will not have the services of 2009 First Team Atlantic 14 member and Most Improved player, Aaron Jackson. Who is going to fill the void of losing an almost 20 points a game player? Are there any incoming recruits that will help immediately?

TM: As Dayton definitely missed Brian Roberts last year the Dukes will certainly miss Jackson this year, but they will actually be a much deeper team with even greater athleticism with what they have coming in. I personally think they have a chance to be a better "team" now that they can't rely on AJAX to take over. Directly, Eric "Whachu talking about Willis" Evans and Melquan "Willis" Bolding, now sophomores, seem poised to pick up Jackson's slack. In fact, I went back and watched the entire A-10 tourney run on my DVR, and Bolding and Evans (not AJAX surprisingly) carried the team in many, if not most key moments. It will be exciting to see their development.

In other areas, the Dukes should have the most formidable frontcourt they have seen under Ron Everhart. 7 footer Morakinyo "Mele keleke maka" Williams, a Kentucky transfer and former top 150 recruit, and 6'8'' Brazilian native Rodrigo Peggau, a medical redshirt last year who also starred in Only the Strong, will give the Dukes a must needed presence underneath the basket. This will also free up Damian Saunders to play a lot of 3 in some sets and the 4 position when the Dukes go small, which will present a lot of problems both offensively and defensively for a lot of teams.

Coming in as freshmen, they have two highly regarded prospects at positions they are already fairly deep at. Small forward Andre Marhold, a Pittsburgh native, chose Duquesne over Clemson and Winthrop, and grades out as an 85 (High Major Prospect) per Scouts.com and is rated #75 SF by ESPN. He can play the 3 and 4 positions and is extremely athletic, aggressive, and apparently has a great work ethic which is exactly what Everhart looks for. Also coming in is shooting guard Sean Johnson, an 83 by Scouts.com and #121 SG by ESPN. He seems to be out of the MelRon Everhart, in an undated photoquan Bolding mode in that he is very athletic, can jump out of the gym and get to the basket, but can be streaky at times with his mid-range to long-range jumper. While these players will see valuable minutes, Everhart will make them earn their spots in the regular rotation as they sit behind returning starters at both of their positions. Regardless, the Dukes will be very deep and very athletic in Everhart's run and gun system.

DD: Looking at the Dukes' non-conference schedule, it looks a lot like Dayton's in terms of lots of so-so teams with a powerhouse team tinkered in there to keep the fans happy. I doubt it's just me, but do you agree with me in saying that the 2 most important games are December 9 at West Virginia and the December 2 game vs Pittsburgh AT home. Now, we all know that Duquesne is in Pittsburgh and Pitt rarely flirts with the lower level teams (and when they do, they get beat down...like Dayton did to them), but this has to be a HUGE game, right? What are you expecting from these 2 games?

TM: First off, Pitt can suck a big fat terd. So can their fan base, which I will contend is by and large one of the least knowledgeable groups of fair-weather idiots that you will ever meet. Yes, their fans are worse than most “yinzer” Steelers fans who scream for Charlie Batch to play every time Big Ben throws an incomplete pass. Most of these fans can’t spell their names and are currently part-time janitors or secretaries for the companies and law firms that most Duquesne graduates own.

Pitt fans cannot seem to realize why their team can never "get over the hump," yet they NEVER challenge themselves out of conference, especially on the road. When they do, the results haven't been good. Most Pitt fans also think college basketball began in the city started when Ben Howland took over as coach and think the double bonus is when Peter’s Pub runs Iron City AND IC Light bottles before home game. But even with Pitt's least experienced team in quite some time, their out of conference matchups, which I think includes games against the Oakland School for the Blind and the Bluffdivers All-Stars, will not present much of a challenge and should all but guarantee them a 20 win season.

For Duquesne, the Pitt game will undoubtedly be the biggest non-conference game of the year. Last time that Pitt played the Dukes at Palumbo, our Dukes staged a massive comeback after falling down early in the game, eventually losing at the end because of the stellar performance of man-child Sam Young. If the Dukes were to beat Pitt it would be the biggest victory of the Everhart era by far. This would be the type of victory that can significantly boost Alumni support from a very prominent and affluent Alumni base and at very least increase regional exposure for the program. It would also be huge in restoring a once great cross-town rivalry that would be very big for college hoops in the area.

The WVU game is also a long time Eastern 8 rivalry game that the Dukes blew last year. Everhart and Huggy Bear are good friends, which adds to the game, but it definitely plays second banana to the Pitt game. If the Dukes were able to miraculously pull off both victories, the city would be on fire with Dukes fever!

DD: Ron Everhart is entering his 4th season at Duquesne and has pretty much been a God send. I really don't feel like researching anymore so help us out. To me, Duquesne has to be locking this guy up before he moves onto a bigger school. Let's be honest, it's going to happen. What are your thoughts on what Everhart has done with this program?

TM: The Dukes signed Everhart to an extension after last season which runs through the 2013-14 season. Good Move. But as you know, a contract extension in college basketball is about as binding as the marriage vows between a low budget porn star and a crack dealer. Everhart is kinda local (from about an hour and a half south of the 'burgh in Fairmont, W.V.), is very Catholic, and his wife's from here, so I think he might stay. I have inside information that he wants to stay and build an Xavier/Dayton/St. Joes type program, but I received this insider tip from the same person that had inside info that John Belein was staying at WVU. Needless to say, he is seemingly on his way to fully resurrecting arguably the worst program in all of college basketball and has done an amazing overall job-despite how much I may malign his in-game coaching. If he does put the Dukes fully back on the NCAA map, he will be a hot commodity for many major programs. Prior to last season, he had been linked to Providence, LSU, and Virginia Tech because of his ties to those areas, but those three jobs seem much less likely to be available in the near future after last season. Duquesne's endowment is definitely large enough to bust up some serious green if need be and I think they will for Everhart. If he bolts, look for the Dukes to make assistant Coach and big time recruiter Bill Barton to succeed Teflon Ron.

DD: Last one. Don't think you are getting out of here without using some Pittsburghese language. If you can, please give us a few sentences with your prediction for this season and of course, including the words "yinz," "gumbands," "Sliberty," "Irrrrron City," and "Dahntahn." And more words if need be.

TM: I hesitate to respond to this question as the Yinzers who speak Pittsburghese are the bane of my daily existence and it is clear that this question would be more suitable for the aforementioned moronic Pitt fans. But that being said I will say that if the Dukes go to the “torrrney, chrisht…I doughno….I will beeer bong abahhht 15 Irrrrons n’at, put on some Donnnie Irrris, go dahn to Sliberty to eat ahht one of them there hookers…city of championsh baby….yinz got nuthin…we got tha Stillerrrs Pensh Pannthers, and them Dookesss…screw the bucccoooos, they stink. Can’t believe they traded Mcllaaath and Freddy and Jack Jack…Byooooteeeful park tho."

Translation: If the Dukes win the A-10 Tourney, I will get ridiculously drunk on crappy beer while listening to really bad garbage band rock music. I will the go to one of Pittsburgh's worst neighborhoods and sequester a street hooker with hopes of performing oral sex on HER. I am an idiot that knows nothing about football, basketball, or hockey and takes odd masochistic pleasure through complaining about my baseball team and their trading of mediocre players, even though I attend 30 games a year.

Do you know that Donnie Iris was actually announced on opening day last year as "International Recording Artist: Donnie Iris?" I guess that gig that they recorded on Donnie's camcorder in Hamilton, Ontario qualifies him as "international." Only in my hometown. GO DUKES!
Thanks to Thorton for the entertaining interview. Duquesne is going to be a good team this year, so watch out Flyer fans!

My Summertime Wish List

Dear Pops,

Now that you have firmly planted yourself next to Sammy, Frank, and Deano at the Big Martini Bar in the sky, I have a couple of things I would like you to ask the Big Guy to do for me. I am technically unemployed, overweight, going nowhere with my life, and generally miserable, so he should be up to grant me a couple of favors:

1) Please strike down Joe Buck with some horrible, horrible illness that makes him die a slow, painful, and humiliating death. But do this only after he is convicted of distributing child pornography while fondling small defenseless puppies. This will prevent any "Joe Buck's Dying a Slow and Painful Death" tribute specials from airing on FOX or any other garbage network. Please also allow the same fortune for Pirates announcer Greg Brown. And the Obama administration. And The Pitt Panthers Basketball team.

2) Please send me a secret formula for alleviating backne. There are a lot of medications for acne, but none specifically targeted at stopping backne. I figure I can make alot of money with this one...and also put it to good use!!!...As president of Backne-Be-Gone, I would have many former Major League sluggers at my disposal for spokesmen.

3) Please transform the shape of my penis into that of a large hammerhead shark, thus allowing me to finally produce one of the two porn scripts I wrote in high school, naturally entitled "Hammerheads."

4) Please allow Moms to re-marry Mark Cuban. I think me and Daddy Cubes could have a good time. Although I could not help but feel a little like Arnold from Different Strokes. If Daddy Cubes wanted, I would gladly say "Whatchu talking about, Iliya."

5) Please let Needle Nose Ned Ryerson get his own T.V. show

6) Please cancel "The View" and erase the fact that it ever existed from my memory.

7) Please put "Cheers" re-runs on during the day. As a practicing member of NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood), I really appreciate the "Married...With Children" episodes that are now running, but if I have to watch one more fricking episode of "Yes, Dear" or "Just Shoot Me" while nursing a hangover I may kill someone. Somehow I still watch these shows everytime they are on even though I know they suck. To quote the standup of one Clifford Claven, "Whatsup with that?"

8) Please make Ben Roethleseberger not a complete and total douchebag. I do realize this may be even beyond your powers and magic tricks, Big Guy. You may have to bring in Jeebus, or Buddha, or "the hawk" for this one.

9) Please allow the 80's women's hairstyle of side pony tails and hair pulled down to one side to make a comeback. It is a weird, while ridiculous Bluff Diver turn on that will be prominently featured in "Hammerheads."

10) Please allow the Dukes to land a couple of huge late recruits (like Damian Saunders) within the next month or two. Also please have security at the beginning of the year BSU dance at Duquesne. We don't need another repeat of "Boys in tha Bluff" before this promising season. FYI I am a former member of the BSU (Black Student Union). True Story.

March 3, 2009

From my earliest memories I have always shared many things with my dad, good and bad. My raunchy sense of humor, my nickname, my short temper, my penchant for wearing my emotions on my sleeve. My skin color, my anxiety, my alarming frequency of bowel movements, my accepting spirit of all people....to name a few. But of the many things my dad and I shared, one of our first mutual loves was Duquense basketball. As a young boy I heard countless stories of championships and great rivalries. I heard the tales of Dick Ricketts, Sihugo Green, and legendary coaches Chick Davies, Dudey Moore, and Red Manning. He often shared memories of the old Duquesne Gardens and of the magical season of 1955. To put it mildly, I was born a fan of the Duquesne Dukes.


On gamedays I would spread out on the dining room floor in front of the radio (in my younger days with a bowl of ice cream and in later years with homework) and listen to every away game on the airwaves with pops. He would guzzle martinis as I would quietly mark the days on the calendar when they would be playing their next home game, all while hanging on every Ray Goss word. See...me and pops both had hopes of one day sharing together the Dukes return to glory. We both would be there to see the Dukes once again be the toast of the town. To hoist championship banners and to give me the vivid memories and stories to pass on to my own children, his grandkids. Almost as importantly, we would share in the tumultuous demise of those hated Pitt Panthers!


On those special frigid winter nights when the Dukes were in town, he would bundle up my feeble frame and toss me into his Ford Pinto, or Escort, or Dodge Neon and cruise down the parkway east at a bawdy 35 mph. At first it was games at the Arena and then later it was our two seats at the Palumbo. And they were indeed our two seats (even when I was the star Dukes ball boy those were still our seats)! We would laugh and cheer, and often suffer with our Dukes. Sometimes my other brother would come. But most of the time it was just me and pops. I would hear Pops swear at the refs and I would swear too (although we wouldn't tell mom!). We would talk to Mr. Shubert next to us about, well, just about anything. More often than not we would both leave mad, but win or lose we always kept with our Dukes.


When the games were over it got even better (since most of the time they lost). We would take the long way home through Oakland. We would head right to Primanti's to see my hero at the time, my older brother Nicky. Pops would have a beer (to chase down the pre-game gin). I would have a Dr. Pepper, ham and cheese fries only, with some extra fries on the side. Everytime. We would stay for about an hour and shoot the breeze. I would find out years later that we would also undoubtedly mess up Nicky to the fullest with whatever young co-eds he and Jerome were scheming on! But that was ok and probably for the better!!! It was a great time for me and pops. When I got to high school he would even let me have a couple of sips of his beer. We always came home with a smile on our face! And no matter how much we argued, or fought, or bickered, it was all suspended for a Dukes game. It was just us, the game, a couple of guys being guys, and a cold winter night. For a brief couple of hours, we would just be together, willing on a common goal. This of course being a Dukes win!


When I got to college things changed. I was a Duquesne student. Students wouldn't dare to be caught at a Dukes game. There were a million better things to do. Hang out with buds, get nuts, try to find some girls (quite an anomoly in years previous). The Dukes were the laughing stock of the college basketball world, and clearly the university too. We were drawing about 5 people a game. Students (including my best friend and roommate) would make fun of "those dorks" who attended games. But I never once stopped going because of Pops. The two of us would meet and it was as if I was 8 years old again. We would sit in our seats and everything was ok with the world. We were best friends, not father and son. We would cheer, but mostly yell, we would laugh, but mostly.....well, yell. It was a few hours out of the week, on a cold night, that we would be able to get away from it all. The only problems we had at all were the horrible officiating and the ridiculous lack of talent on the team!


A couple of weeks ago, with my dad in better spirits from the sickness that had been keeping him down, I picked up Pops at his house and made sure HE was bundled up! We got his oxygen tank ready and he made sure that I dropped him off really close so he didn't have to walk far. We sat in Our Seats. We didn't talk about life, or what was wrong with me, or what was wrong with him. We didn't talk politics, or family issues, we just were together. It was just us (with a couple of great friends I might add). We were a couple of guys being guys, on one of those frigid winter nights that he really couldn't handle anymore. The Dukes lost, we swore at the refs, we went home happy just to be together.


My dad checked into the hospital early on Sunday morning. He had been in surgery earlier in the week but was supposed to be ok. We had made plans to see our Dukes play a huge game against Rhode Island that Sunday. Our Dukes had given us a glimmer of hope. We were going to celebrate their return to glory together. He was excited and nervous. So was I. As I walked into his room decked out in my Dukes gear, I was told he would be in for a couple of days and he would be alright. As I looked at him, I knew he wouldn't be. It was the first time in my life that I could see that my other hero was fallible, that he was very afraid. I looked at him and I could see death staring him in the face. I was afraid too. I didn't know what to say. It felt like we had both been in a big fight. Me for my dad. Him for his life. I, just as verbose as he, was speechless. So I talked about the Dukes. He asked if they were on t.v. and I told him I didn't know but that we were going to the game so it didn't matter!!! He normally would have smiled or laughed at that but he didn't. He said that this was a big game and I told him that we would go wednesday if he got out of the hospital and that I would give him updates of everything that happened. I told him that I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow. He said in typical pops fashion "me too, man." I had a very strange feeling that that was the last time I would see pops. My mother would talk to him later that night, and one of the first things out of his mouth was a brief lament about the Dukes loss!


On Monday morning I got the call to come to the hospital. Pops was in bad shape but they wouldn't tell us what or why. When I got to the hospital I was told that my dad was in a coma and had died for at least ten minutes. I was again speechless. And as he layed in his hospital, in what the doctors called a vegetative state, I knew he was still with me. I held his hand as he used to hold mine when we would walk to the arena or through oakland. I kissed him on the forehead as he used to kiss me goodnight. I talked to him by myself, and told him that I loved him and how much he meant to me. How all of our problems seemed so silly now and what a great friend he was to me-and a great father too! I told him as tears ran down my cheek, as they are flowing freely now, that he will always be with me and I will always be with him. How I would do anything to have him back to go to one Dukes game or cook me one macaroni and cheese dinner or tell me one more of his Uncle Phil and L.A. stories. I told him to wake up because going to the games would not be the same without you. When he passed this evening I realized that the games, our family, my life, or anything from now on would never be the same.


I love you so much dad. I wish I could bring you back and have just one more night with you. We would go to the game, see Nicky, have a beer and a sandwich, and realize that we weren't just father and son....that we have always been best friends. May you rest in peace and hey...throw some luck our Dukes way!

I love you, tat!

Almost March...And I Am Starting to Go Mad!!!

- Our Dukes begin the month of March with a solid chance to enter post-season play for the first time since 1994. With two of the final three contests at home, albeit against 20+ win Rhode Island team and an always tough St. Louis team, the N.I.T. remains a distinct possibilty. Winning two out of three (figuring March 7th @ Dayton will be a loss), and then grabbing a game in the A-10 tournmanent, would give the Dukes their first 20 win season since the Reagan administration. Regardless of what happens, the season must be considered a tremendous success as they are the youngest team in the country and have every reason to believe they will only get better in years to come. Two top recruits (Miko Williams-Kentucky transfer and A. Marhold- #22 power forward in the country) should help next year's....gasp.... tourney run! Similarly, I think we get at least another year of Teflon Ron Everhart. His rumored main suitor, Providence, just spanked your Pitt Panthers and are likely headed to the Big Dance. So thank you Pitt!.. for possibly choking your number one seed away late in the year and keeping Ron around for us!

- To honor that 1994 NIT team (which lost to Kerry Kittles and the Villanova Wildcats at the Palumbo in round 2), we will take a look back at life in 1994:

$- Duquesne was back in the A-10 after a brief stint in the ill-faded MCC (Evansville, Xavier, Butler, Etc). The Dukes still couldn't win close games and very easily could have made the NCAA tourney. They were officially listed as as "bubble team" on the selection show. Little did I know this would be a highlight of my young adult life.

$- Tom Pipkins was a heralded college frosh, snatched away from Michigan, who had not yet found out about the college special at Milano's or the weed available on the 7th floor of towers or at the "pink house." Back then it was known as Corleone's and he soon would find out about both.

$- Derrick Alston and Ricky Lopes headed a front-court of two 7 footers. Alston would go on the NBA and then to a successful career in Turkey. Ricky Lopes would go on to do 1-800-CAll ATT commercials with Marlon Wayans!

$- I was still successfully able to pleasure myself to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and the bra section of the JC Penny mid-year catalog. Hard core pornography or late night cable t.v. would not be needed for many years to come.

$- Kirstie Alley was still kind of hot---not really though

$- Michael Jackson was still kind of black---not really though

$-The Montreal Expos were considered contenders in the NL East. The "Jake" was set to open in Cleveland. Pending labor unrest would hamper both perennial losers bravado.

$- Basketball players shorts still were worn slightly above the knee.

$- Andre Agassi still had hair, as did most of us.

$- The Dukes hadn't stunk for almost thirty years. They had stunk for fifteen.

$- I still thought I would be the starting shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.

$- My parents still made me read four books a month and would not even consider the purchase of basic cable television. They kept the Sports Illustrated subscription rolling though!

$- Seinfeld started not to suck.

$- The Yankees weren't any good and hadn't been for years!

$-Steroids were cool!

$- Will Smith was still the Fresh Prince and MTV had not yet given its stamp of approval on homosexuality or casual interracial relationships. They also still played music videos...so I am told.

$-Party Rock, Zubaz Pants, Mullets, Ford Probes, MGD and Flourescent tank tops with spandex bottoms were all dying a slow death...not it Pittsburgh though baby!!!!

$- The Dukes still were considered the number one choice of Center-Power Forward Danny Forston. He had not yet been kicked out of the Palumbo by John Carrol.

$-Saturday Night Live was still funny.

GO DUKES!!!!!!

It Was The Best Of Times...The First Positive Post In Bluff Diver History!!!

Let's be honest. This wildly popular sports blog might be considered by some to be a tad....well...bitter. A little randy at times, a little silly, and yes, a little mean. By far and large I hate most things, most people, and most importantly, my own day to day life on earth. Yes, I do find retarded people funny and love to make fun of them. I make fun of and objectify women, and their crotch turkeys. I enjoy pornography and I am not ashamed to admit that my allegiance to it may be what some people consider to be a serious problem. I pretty much disagree with anybody of different political views, skin color (hate those whiteys), penis size, and anyone with a positive disposition. This being said, there is reason to celebrate in Bluff Diver Land...for life is almost bearable and things are good (for now). Here's why:

-The Duquesne University Dukes-

(that's right, I said it)

Last night I stormed the court at the A.J. Palumbo Center. Last night I stormed the court. Last night I stormed the court at the A.J. Palumbo Center. For the second time in my lifetime and for the first time in 17 years, the Palumbo crowd stormed the court as the Dukes clinched their second consecutive winning year by beating #9 Xavier. This is their biggest win over 30 years. Which leaves the question: Is there any greater story in local sports-fuck what the local media will tell you about Pitt and the Steelers- than the resurgence of the Dukes program? The answer is resoundingly no.

Just three short years ago, the Dukes were quite possibly the worst program in Major D1 basketball. Following a 3 win season, they did their best reenactment of the final scene in Above The Rim, and had to have open tryouts to fill their roster. They had posted one winning year in over twenty seasons and were the laughing stock of the basketball world. Going to a Dukes game was like going to Church, or a Bob Seger concert, or a grade school girls basketball game, or watching an Obama speech...it was just plain unbearable and would make any intelligent person want to puke. In other words, they were pretty much the Pittsburgh Pirates of college hoops. There were players on the team that I could legitamately beat in a game of two on two (this is well documented to be true).

Today they sit at 15-7 (and would be 16-6 if not for some highly questionable officiating against St. Joes). Last season they posted the second largest RPI improvement of any division one team (Buffalo was #1). They now have clinched a second consecutive winning campaign, have had two straight top 30 recruiting classes, and are poised to make a run to their first post-season in 15 seasons. Better yet, they are the youngest team in D1 and should only get better from here. Competitive hoops has returned to the bluff and has made this diver one satisfied customer. Every game at the Palumbo this year (except for the ODU game) has been a wildly entertaining...if not wildly popular like this sports blog. While there is much room for improvement in every aspect of the Dukes program (please Lord get rid of the MASSively embarrassing fattys on the cheerleader squad), there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is more than a glimmer of hope for us long suffering fans. Normally, I would think that after a big win the Dukes would transform into their alter ego-the Ducks- and go right into the toilet. But not this year! Not these Dukes. I think this young team is turning the corner right before our eyes! I am currently sipping on the Dukes kool-aid. Let's Go Dukes!!!! Let's Go Dukes!!! Let's Go Dukes!!!