Voodoo Child...The REAL reason the Pirates stink!

Many people point to 1993 as the downful of the Pittsburgh Pirates. They look to the departure of Bonds, Bonilla, Smiley, Drabek, etc. as when this once proud franchise took the Hershey Highway straight into the pooper. Some may believe that the Buccos took their turn for the worse when they hired the worst broadcaster in professional sports, Greg Brown, in 1994. Others point to poor free agent signings, horrible marketing faux-pas, money mismanagement, a myriad of bad drafts, a putred minor league development system, and complete ignorance of latin based talent among other reasons this franchise stinks. True yinzers (and yinzers disguising themselves as local media members) like to blame MLB's financial inequities amidst small market teams. These idiots clearly have know idea what they are talking about...go stillers!.

None of these people are even close to being on point. The downfall of the Pittsburgh Pirates can be summed up in two words:

Vincente Palacios

Who? That's right, Vincente Diaz Palacios. Many of you might not know who this is. Many of you do. Born in Manlio Fabio Altamirano, Veracruz de Ignacio de la Llave, Mexico, Vincente Palacios made his Pirates debut as a 24 year old right handed relief pitcher in 1987. Not much was known about the young Mexican fireballer except 1 thing: he openly practiced Voodoo. That's right folks, he openly practiced Voodoo. Are you telling me Jesus Christ couldn't hit a curve ball? Palacios didn't think so. F%^k you Joboo...I do eet my self!

After limited but effective action in 87 and 88, he took a year off from baseball in 1989. Many think it was to sacrifice live "chickens" in his hometown somewhere deep in the Mexican country side. And if you think I mean small mexican children by the word "chickens," you're exactly right. Most believe he spent 1990 in the minor's (although there is no record of him pitching anywhere in the minors) with Bob "Round Tripper" Kipper and Ted "Magnum PI" Power holding down middle relief for the big league club. Let's be honest here, there was an equal shot of him pitching in the minors that year with him spending the year ingesting hallucinagenic plants in the Mayan ruins. I choose choice B.

This brings us to 1991: The Pirates were the best team in baseball, I was the most popular kid in the 6 grade, and Snap had a huge hit with "I Got the Power" (be honest, you just sang that song in your head!). Vincente Palacios was 6-3 that year with a 3.75 ERA and 64 strikouts in 82 innings of middle relief. Not exactly setting the world on fire, but solid enough to lead the Pirates bullpen in innings pitched, rank second in strikeouts and opponents batting average, make 7 spots starts, throw a complete game shutout in an emergency start against the Reds late in the year, and garner three saves (this was before the "hold" statistic was invented).

Then the Pirates management team struck a deal with the devil. Inexplicably, Vincente Palacios was left off the post-season roster for the likes of Bob Patterson, Rosario Rodriguez, and Roger Mason. A pre-NLCS interview with Palacios turned into an incoherant rant on local news outlets (I remember this vividly as a pre-teen). There were some small rumblings from the fans but not many people made much of it. No one back then made a bid deal about middle relief. I distinctly remember thinking that Palacios was going to put a voodoo hex on the Pirates that year and voiced these concerns to my 6th grade chums.

This curse will forever be known as:

THE CURSE OF VINCENTE PALACIOS!!!

The following year, and last year the Pirates had a winning season, Palacios again was left of the post-season roster. The curse was alive and growing. Sid Bream, Francisco Cabrera, and a heart wrenching ninth inning game seven loss would only be the commencement of the torment that Bucco fans would have to faced for the next 15 seasons.

You have every right to say I am out of my mind. But Palacios would virtually disappear from baseball following a year off in 93 (more sacrifices no doubt) and 94-95 with the Cards until....

Spring of 2000. Sophomore year in college: I never made mention of this curse, for fear of somewhow inflicting its Voodoo upon me. Since I already had to deal with Them almost everyday, there was no way I needed a Voodoo hex in my life.

A buddy of mine, known only as Rick Shaw, and I decided to take in a Wednesday night affair at Three Rivers against the Padres, oddly enough the only team with religious undertones in its name. It was Wednesday April 26th, 2000. I still have the score card. I wrote on the card, "Man is Jimmy Anderson Fat." We were sitting on the first base side keeping score and drinking beer. Good times. Great Friends. Good Oldies. We inevitably started talking about whats wrong with the Bucs. After arguing for a couple of innings, I broke every superstitious bone in my body and mentioned The Curse of Vincente Palacios. Rick said that I was completely out of my mind.

The bottom of the eigth rolls around. Last call we grabbed a couple of could ones, making plans for a trip to Kopy's because, hey, we were business majors. The pa announcer then gets on the mic, "Now pitching for the Padres, Vincente Palacios." It was his first appearance in the major leagues 5 years. He "retired" one week later.

You tell me who is fricking out of their mind?

The Curse Lives

Classic "Other Guys" (Part 2)

In what will be come an ongoing Bluff Divers Series...Classic Other Guys (Part 2):

1) Larry Dallas (Richard Kline)- Greasy, sweaty, leisure suit Larry Dallas was the perfect "Other Guy" to light in the loafers but reluctantly hetero Jack Tripper in the classic 3 AM Nick at Night series, Threes Company. Always in a gold chain and always ready to swing, Larry Dallas would never pass up the chance to give Crissy a back rub! But I still would rather do Janet...She might be a classic "Other Girl!"

2) Daffy Duck- No other character in cartoons, movies, sports, real life, and telelvision do I identify more with than Daffy Duck. Talented, handsome, at times misunderstood. Loud, obnoxious, argumentative, volatile. Its almost scary how much this character is like me. He is constantly losing to a smug counterpart in Bugs and, to make a complete understatement, THEY love to get Daffy duck. He also gets bonus points for one of the best disgruntled scowls of all time!

3) Major Healy (Bill Daily)- He gets Other Guy legend status merely for getting to hang out with the hottest women every to walk the earth, the Jeannie (aka Barbara Eden). He was also rumored to be nailing her on the side which in my mind puts him into the realm of immortality. Unfortunately he was also rumored to be nailing Major Nelson which brings him down a noch, but not by much. I would bang Major Nelson to get 19 seconds with the Jeannie. By the way, Barbara Eden is like 1000 years old (ironically the same age as Jeannie) and I would still totally do her.

4) Jermaine Jackson- ahh...this could be my favorite Other Guy of all time. This guy was the "that guy" of other guys! The sad thing is Jermaine actually had a lot of talent...just not as much as his younger brother. He must have felt much like my older brothers did growing up, drastically inadequate. But lets give him props for his solid fro, "Let's Get Serious," "Daddy's Home," and for marrying Barry Gordy's daughter. He also managed to not become a complete freakazoid like Michael.

5) Paul from Cheers (Paul Wilson)- Many of you know Paul as one of the Bobs from Office Space. Needless to say I am a Michael Bolton fan! Nevertheless, Paul was one of the cronies at the Bull n' Finch (Cheers' real name) that I wish they would have developed more. He really only gets play in three episodes: 1) He dates a hot chick who is a "chubby chaser" which frustrates Sammy 2) He misses all the hijinx and feels left out by the gang 3) Comforts Rebecca before she leaves Robin Colcort on the altar ("did you talk to Paul"). All great stuff from an all time great Other Guy!

MORE TO COME FROM CLASSIC OTHER GUYS + CLASSIC OTHER GUYS IN SPORTS!

Oh where o where has my bluff divers gone? Partial Reader Mail Bag #3

-Where have you been? No posts in like a week! What's going on?
In order to delay my eventual lay-off from Triumph Douchebags, LLC., I have taken a brief hiatus from at-work bluff diving. Once let go by these ass munches I will be able to devote full effort into Bluff Divers nation. I am planning on taking BDs international in my quest to be the next Hasselhoff (btw great other guy: The Black Guy from Baywatch!) However, I have remained strong in my other areas of interest including but not limited to: annoying my friends and family, breaking out in echsima, drinking, pleasuring myself, Redsox baseball, my man-crush on Nomar!, hot pockets, general insanity, and the mis-treatment of the fairer sex. I will be back to full time bluff diving in a week or two.

-How 'ya doing in your poll?
Winner winner chicken dinner. The irony is my poll was really strong because I picked the Big East to choke (easy) but I would have clinched after weekend one (yes, weekend one) if I would have not switched Villanova at the last second. I might have won national polls had the A-10 not let me down in round one! Picking 27 of 32 first round games, 14 of 16 sweet sixteen, 7 of 8 elite eight, and 3 of 4 final four teams just goes to show you how sweet I really am!

-Is the Big East really overrated? If ESPN is the reason this is true, aren't the Red Sox and Yankees (and their rivalry) overrated too?
Are you personally trying to piss me off? First off the Big East is WAY overrated. This "super-conference" is basically a creation of the cable networks that single handedly tried to deplete and/or ruin two other good basketball conferences, the Eastern Eight (predeccesor of the A10) and Conference USA. Memphis might laugh their way to a national title! Due yourself a small favor and look up national titles, head to head league matchups, pro-sports stars from the Big East compared to other conferences, fan attendance, etc. and ESPECIALLY this years tournament performance and you will find the Big East WAY behind some of the other conferences historically and currently. There is NO way they deserve 8 teams in the tourney...ever. Eight teams in the tourney, 1 in the elite eight, 0 in the final four. Enough said. Do yourself another favor and attend an ACC game (any except for the former Big East schools) and then go to a Big East game the next day...and then tell me which conference is better in terms of style of play, level of play, atmoshpere, etc. Its not even close folks.

Here is they deal. The Red Sox and Yankees are overhyped not overrated. Professional sports is decided by play on the field and "rankings," clearly guided by media bias, have no effect on post-season play and/or the eventual champion. So you cannot truly overrate a pro-team as its success is determined ONLY by its play. You can overhype a pro-team, which ESPN does to a lot of teams so kiss me where the pampers are. Regardless, "overrating" or "overhyping" has no calculated or proven effect on outcome in any pro-sports, except for maybe influincing officials and umpires (see 1999 ALCS), so your answer is no!

Side Note: The fact that the media has any part in deciding a champion (seeding and at-large bids) is the biggest downfall in college athletics. This is why the tournament should not be seeded and only include conference champions and second place "wild card" finishers within each conference. Then and only then can you crown a true champ. This would also due wonders to spreading the talent around to different teams (like the Dukes) because every team would be basically on an equal playing field in terms of making it to post-season play. Regular season play would be massively more important and conference play would be fantastic. This would make the NCAA a true champion of amateur athletics.

Back to your questions: The Red Sox are the best team in baseball, on the field, the last five years (and one of the best franchises in history) and the Yankees are the winningest franchise, on the field, in all of pro-sports (as much as it pains me to admit that). Kind of hard to overrate those two teams performance-wise although its very easy to overrate players (...see Phil Rizzouto, Mantle, Mattingly, Guidry, Jeter, etc.).

The Yankees vs. Red Sox rivalry existed prior to the advent of television and before even the first radio broadcast...so you cannot argue that ESPN and/or the national media had any effect on its inception. The close proximatey of the cities to each other and the fact that the two teams dominated the sport (particularly the BOSOX) at its inception, made this rivalry what it is today...tits.

It is the greatest (and only true) rivaly in PRO SPORTS today as these two teams actually hate each other (which is hard to find in this day and age), and the rivalry overwhemingly capitvates 9 states, nevermind the rest of the country.

SO NO....RED SOX vs. YANKEES IS NOT OVERRATED AND THE BIG EAST SUCKS!

Is Shawn James going pro?
No. At least not to the NBA. A lot of players test the water by declaring themselves eligible for the draft to get the league's assesment of where they will be drafted. Shawn James won't be drafted so I don't forsee him signing an agent other than Swiftus Lazarus any time soon. FYI, He is not on one reputable draft board as going in either the first two rounds. He could play in Europe if he wants to and since he is 24 years old this may be an option, especially since he is getting married and is injury prone. My gut tells me he will come back for his final year regardless to try to improve his draft standing (first rounders get three years guaranteed money) and/or make his European contract as large as possible. Teflon Ron has not signed one post-player to replace James and or Archara, so if he leaves the Dukes will be in trouble.