Bluff Divers Worst Sports Films of All Time!

In order to fill the time up between now and when the tourney starts....here is my list of the worst sports movies of all time:

10) The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh- Not even Doctor J (6'5,'' with the afro 6'9''), vinatage shots of the Civic Arena, and classic 70's disco montages save this picture. It's not the worst of all time because in some ways its sooooo bad that it becomes highly entertaining. Movie gets a little bit of credit due to bluff divers' bridging-the-gap encounter with an original cast member at an "ethnic-urban" bar in Cleveland prior to a 2001 Clapton concert. A complete dance routine from the film was performed after several shots of tequilla with the cast member and the bartender.

9) Talledega Nights- This movie would be much much higher on the list if NASCAR were actually a sport. Can't wait untill a few more bad films so we can start referring to Will Ferrell's career moves as "pulling a Chevy." Remember when he was actually funny?

8) The Scout- Man is this movie bad. Steve Nebraska? You can't come up with a better name than Steve Nebraska? Not only is his acting atrocious, but Brendan Frasier throws like a fricking girl. You drop tons of loot on being able to use the MLB logos, Yankee Stadium, etc. and you can't pick an actor that can actually throw a baseball? How this movie gets to use Yankee Stadium and Major League was forced to shoot in Miluakee instead of Cleveland is beyond me. This picture would be way higher on the list if it wasn't for solid cameos by Bret Saberhagen and Keith Hernandez's mustache.

7) Slap Shot- I know this is going to be a controversial pick, but much like Peter Griffin and the Godfather, I just can't make it through the whole picture. This movie was hilarious when I was ten and had the same level of mental capacity as most adult hockey players. Watch it now and try to tell me that Paul Newman isn't better suited making salad dressing. Plus its about ice hockey, a sport which about 1% of people who say they enjoy this movie have actually played.

6) Radio- football movies should be about football and re-re movies should be about re-res. Go see What's Eating Gilbert Grape instead if you want to see a good picture about neck biters.

5) Rocky V- let me preface this by saying I love this movie...but to be fair, it is really really extremely bad. The fake Don King and his "hit me and I'll sue" stuff is priceless cinematography. Tommy Gunn (who now claims he doesn't have AIDS by the way) has a great mullet and Cousin Pauley is extra drunk. On second thought, this movie may be the best sports movie of all time!!!

4) The remake of The Longest Yard- I would love to post comments about this movie but I legitimately made it through about 15 minutes before I turned it off. I almost had to leave the room because I was so angry about actually purchasing this On Demand. That is $3.99 and 15 minutes of my life I can never have back. The original is solid which prevents this from being the worst of all time.

3) Caddyshack II- Wow. What can I say about Jack Hartoonian and crew. I will say that I am so happy that I saw Caddyshack II before the first one because it made the first film that much better. Not only is it a bad sports movie and comedy, it may be the worst sequel this side of Porky's II. Look to the release of this movie to pinpoint the exact date that Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd stopped being funny.

2) The Next Karate Kid- Karate Kid movies are like BJs and Pizza, now matter how bad it may be, you keep coming back for more. But come on with this one! Are you telling me Ralph Macchio and Chaz Osborne weren't available for work? You have to get Hillary "Y chromosome" Swank for this one? And what's with the whole eagle on the building and bald monks thing? I just don't get that. Mr. Miagi teaching a chick to dance before the prom using Karate moves? I would have rather seen him dance with good old Danny Larusso! How about pair up with Van Damme and the Brazillian Capuella kids from "Only the Strong?" Anything but The Next Karate Kid.

1) Fever Pitch-It actually angers me that the Red Sox allowed this piece of dribble to be made. It is the only thing that has ever made me question my allegiance to Red Sox Nation. Made an absolute mockery of being a Red Sox fan and starred two of the most abnoxious people on the planet, Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. Its a travesty of a "sports movie" and has not one funny moment. What, you think by quoting stats everybody on the planet knows you would be sweet? Wrong! I get mad just thinking about it. You let these two a-holes run on the field after your first World Series in 86 years? How 'bout you let a Jimmy Fund kid do that instead? Garbage. At least they could have put Horatio Sans in the movie as a stoner Southie! To make matters worse, everyone I know said this movie was the greatest and I would love it because I am a Red Sox fan...they still do. That's wrong again! I would rather watch a re-occuring loop of Hope Floats and Fried Green Tomatoes for six days straight than have to see one more glimpse of this movie!

Reader Mail Bag #2

Always Devoted to my Loyal Legion of Bluff Divers.... (these are all actual questions this time!)


Q: What's the big deal about performing enhancing drugs? I use them all time... for sex! Their called rumpleminze and tequilla!
A: Amen! Like I have always said, nothing complements a nice batch of lies like a good shot of tequilla (and vice versa). And we all know that the drunker I get, the better looking I become. To your point however, I am so sick of hearing about steroids that I think they should let these guys use whatever the heck they want...what the hey? They already do it in the NFL and the networks are paid not to report it. The point of sports, moves, music, etc. is to entertain us and what would be more entertaining than a bunch of muscle bound freaks hopped up on amphetamines ripping down backboards or breaking bats over their legs (see Bo Jackson and Jerome Lane). To quote Needle Nose Ned the Head, "It's all one big crap shoot anywho." I would love to see the All Steroid League sponsored by Bluff Divers.


Q: Who is your big tourney upset pick?
A: Well, that all depends. If I don't prescribe to gambling, my picks are typically dead locks. Twice in my life I did not enter a money poll and both times I had under four losses for the entire tourney, picked the final four, and the eventual winner. That being said in the first round I love San Diego over UCONN, Temple over MSU, Villanova over Clemson (they have to be pissed about the lack of respect they are getting, right?) and Kentucky over Marquette.


Q: What will you right about when basketball season is over?
A: First of all, nice spelling. Its "write" not "right." But for those of you that know me, I will have plenty to blabber about. In addition, the sport that was hand picked by the Superbeing as its #1 favorite, baseball, is set to begin as my beloved Bosox take on the "Moneyballs" in Japan next week (if they pay the coaches the $40 g's they were supposed to). I also intend to invite a guest columnist once per week.


Q: You should have a vote for the Bluff Divers "got of the month." The first "gotm" should be my ex-girlfriend getting a job with my company. "They" love to get me!
A:They don't get you! Granted, that's a got...but not worthy of a Bluff Divers "GOTME" (got of the month "extreme") award. An example of a GOTME award would be: my ex-girlfriend got a job with my company as my boss, started dating Raul the mail boy, apparently she has a rare strain of herpes she passed along to me while we were dating (Raul is immune to this disease because he is from Haiti), and she has demoted me to assistant custodian with a special focus on cleaning the female waste recepticles. Now that's a got! Nay, that's a GOTME. Great idea though and this monthly vote will begin in the near future!!!

Q: If you had to recast people you know for a remake of Caddyshack, who would play what role?
A: Ahhh, good question. Way too difficult to answer because of great characters like Maggie O'Hooligan, Smoke Porterhouse, and the Chef (who also has a brief cameo in Spaceballs..."you idiots, these are their stunt doubles.") The only definite is Pops as Al Czervik. Actually I think Pops may be Al Czervik. Other solid picks include Cuomo as D'Annunzio, Mac as Danny Noonan, Myself as Chuck Schick (Judge Smails' legal clerk), and JK as a 21st century spastic version of Spalding Smails. But Alas, there is only one Ted Knight so I am afraid it would be impossible to cast Judge Smails and this remake would never get off the ground. Bluff Divers, I encourage you to respond with your choices for this question with current celebs, athletes, or friends!

Q: Who is your tourney winner?
A: I am going to jinx them if I say their real name, so I am going to say a lovely school in the next town across from Durham, NC.

Ten NON-Basketball Stories to Look For in the NCAA Tournament:

Caucasion Persuasion, Greg Gumbel.

Ten NON-Basketball Stories to Look For in the NCAA Tournament:

10) Sam Young's backne and inherant daily use of monkey testosterone garners national attention. Bluffdivers founder, Thorton Mellon, is required to testify in front of Congress. The committe concludes that Mr. Young is the ugliest man on the planet, replacing Hillary Clinton.

9) It is revealed that Hubert Davis and Clark Kellog are actually the same person.

8) Inside sources indicate that Greg Gumbel is 100% white. This is confirmed following a credit check, a survey of recent John Tesh cds purchased, and after a tennis racquet was found in his metallic burgundy Volvo.

7) Bluffdivers.com prints up "I like Oral....Roberts" t-shirts, thus angering the uber-religious, Tulsa, Oklahoma school. T-shirt orders quadruple after Oral Roberts upsets Pitt in round 1.

6) St Joe's coach Phil Martelli sports a full hair piece ala George Costanza....He then whispers and winks to a relativiely hot female sideline reporter..."so...hows you life?"

5) ESPN continues to give Bob Knight smaller and smaller ESPN logo'd sweaters to wear because he refuses to put on a neck tie. This ultimately suffocates The General to the point of hallucination and he picks Pitt to go the national title game...wait a minute, that already happened.

4) Inside sources indicate that Digger Phelps is actually black. His new nickname is of course, "Black Guy" Phelps.

3) The Stanford vs. Cornell game is cancelled. The teams agree to decide the winner by participating in a sciene and math related trivia game, or "Rich White Nerd Bowl I." "Black Guy" Phelps predicts that the team that answers the most questions correctly, will win the game. The rest of the analysts marvel at his insight. Reece Davis comments that Phelps is very articulate. Cornell wins in a squeaker.

2) UNLV attempts to disguise Greg Anthony, Stacy Augmon, and Larry Johnson as amatuer athletes and current players. No one notices until they blow the final game against Bobby Hurley's Duke Blue Devils...wait a minute, that already happened.

1) Kentucky super-fan Ashley Judd agrees to appear nude (and readily available) in the Wildcats locker room if they win the tournament. The Wildcats sweep their way to a title Major League style. Videos of the victory celebration are immediately linked to adult websites across the Internet, reviving Judd's career. Losing Coach Kansas Bill Self turns down an offer to star in a new Vivid picture with Brianna Banks entitled, "Self Stimulation."