Things in Sports that I Find Retarded! Part 1

THINGS IN SPORTS THAT I FIND RETARDED!

by Thorton Mellon.

1) The Gatorade Bath. Enough already with this crap. I think I will push for a gatorade bath for Ron Everhart if the Dukes cover the spread against Fordham Sunday. This should have gone by the waste side with many other things from the 80's, like Zubaz and The Human League. Its not even fricking Gatorade. Maybe they should work up to the bath. Like win a big game gets the RC cola bath. Clinch the division, Vitamin Water bath. Or crappy baths for poor performance... Lose the AFC Championship, Starbuck coffee bath. Lose the super bowl, Lime Jello Bath. Retarded.

2) The MLB Network. I love baseball more than anything, but Bud and his boys shit the bed with this one. How many times can you see a replay of the Phillies/Devil Rays World Series? Seriously, you own video rights to every Major League game/documentary/old school home run derbies-which were player vs. player- and you choose to show the magical season of the 2001 Seattle Mariners on a daily basis. Eghhhhhh! Retarded.

3) Frank Caliendo. This guy was great for about 1 season of mad t.v. in 2002, yet he is on t.v. more than Roadhouse and Home Improvement combined. Do we need to see a bad impersonation every fricking week...nay every hour on the hour? What do you have to do with sports except for your Madden impersonation? If this rupe is under contract, I think they should shoot the bastard and/or just make him do really demeaning stuff until he shoots himself...like slip-in-sliding into a pool of spoiled milk. Retarded.

4) Hockey Fans (mainly Pittsburgh hockey fans). Man are you double retarded! Have you ever played hockey? That two weeks in gym in middle school with the plastic sticks don't count you idiot. There are forty thousand games and half the teams make the playoffs, you don't need the fricking game on every t.v. at the bar! Face it, you are secretly racist. All the players are white, the surface is white, they play "Cotton-eyed Joe" and Journey at the games, the players still have mullets and many wear Zubaz, and your games are played nationally on the poor man's CMT station. Oh yeah, much like the NFL, you can have minimal athletic skill and just be a big, dumb, slow fighter and still make the league. Retarded.

5) Women's basketball highlights and games on ESPN. Honestly! Honestly! I am sick and tired of this sport being rammed down my throat. I remember a day when I didn't have to look at highlights of missed layups and turnovers in a 42-15 game. Well, except when Pitt plays St. Johns. Enough already. No one cares. Your network exists because of beer drinkers, gamblers, sports nerds, and fans of mens sports. Cater to them and get this dribble off the air. Until the players are hot, wearing skimpy outfits, and aren't bull dike lesbos, than this sport will never have any entertainment value to any heterosexual, sports loving male. Women have the Lifetime Network, put the damn highlights and games on it!!! Retarded.

Dukes Blow Game! Refs Blow Call! Dukes Fans Just Blow?

- After droping a game by nine to Dayton at home, the Dukes made the turnpike trip to Philly to play the St. Joe's Lunardi's (I hate that weisel bastard who spent the whole broadcast talking about his high school basketball coach, his kids PTA meeting, and that Nevins was going to score 30...like that was a tough one to predict asshole) . After needing a 22-4 second half run to be in the the game, the Dukes took a 7 point lead with a 1:22 left in regulation and pissed it away like a drunk at the bar. These are the very moment wen the beloved Dukes turn into...you guessed it...the Same Old Ducks. This overtime loss was helped by the fact that they can't inbound the freaking basketball...ever. Seriously, they have to be the worst inbounding team in basketball. Free throws down the stretch also proved to be an achilles heel! WHY CAN'T THEY EVER FREAKING GET OVER THE HUMP! I will say that it was encouraging to see the Ducks running screens for...and I begrudgingly say this...their best shooter in Jason Duty- who had a career high twenty.

-That being said, the Dukes CLEARLY GOT HOSED by the A10 officials. No matter what anyone says, the A10 needs St. Joe's to do well to get into the tourney and they realize that the Dukes tourney chances are slim. The last second tip in was waved off by two officials then, after minutes of deliberation, the game winning hoop was awarded to St. Joe's. There apparently was no video replay to look at-although somehow I was able to watch (and record) this game live on my computer. Complete Bull Shit! Please tell me how you go end to end, launch a shot, miss two tip ins, and then tip in a third bucket in under 8 seconds and I'll tell you about my three testicles and 27 inch penis! This was clearly a snow job by the A10 who needs its poster teams (Xavier, St. Joes, Umass) to win as many games as they can.

-In this pseudo-Dukes basketball renaissance, it still seems that that the Dukes go in the shitter whenever they start to spark some fan interest. After the Dayton game AJAX basically said we need to win one of these big conference games at home so that they can start drawing some crowds. Brian Gregory, Dayton head coach and future Just For Men spokesperson, was quoted after a game as saying that "It's a shame that attendance hasn't been better here. This place could be a good home-court advantage." While that was certainly a back-ended complement, it was spot on. Think about it! Crowd right on top of you, the stifling heat of the Palumbo, spell-bounding cheerleaders (you look at car wrecks on the highway don't you), a run-and-gun team. But why haven't the fans come out to support the Dukes. Well, Bluff Divers will tell you why:

1) A million years of losing. The biggest culprit to blame in all of this is Duquesne. For years they had a horrible product, horrible game atmosphere, and horrible everything.

2) Student body. Most of the student body lives in the South Side or Mt. Washington. When its 8 degrees and you can walk down the street and get $.25 wings and $1 yuenglings on Wednesday nights at Barry's (gratuitous plug) or go see a heartbreaking loss, I'd choose wings and beer as well.

3) People are too skeptical to drink the Dukes Kool-Aid. They don't want to buy into the Dukes because at any moment people-including myself- believe they will implode.

4) HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE local media coverage. There are more sports teams in this town than the Steelers, Penguins, and Pitt Panthers. The fact that Penn State and WVU get billing over the Dukes is just fricking ridiculous. The post-gazette and local news station clearly are run by the socialist/liberal assholes that own this town and want you to go to, and support, state schools. The trib is the best but still not good. Fact of the matter is a school who plays in a major conference with an enrollment of 14,000 and many prominent local alumni deserves better coverage.

5) Up until last year, zero marketing effort by the Dukes

6) The success of Pitt basketball. This is understandble. Yet I would rather watch a team that runs up and down the floor and actually attempts to score points than watch whatever rugby game they play over in Oakland. Even Joe Lunardi-idiot-said that the Dukes are the most exciting team to watch in the A10, if not one of the most exciting teams in all of college basketball.

The Dukes are a very fun team to watch, who play in a competitive league, but need to get over the hump. A two game road winning streak would have gone a long way to help. A run to the tourney would get everyone on the bandwagon. Well, at least I can dream!