Parity...Please

Not many in Bluff Diver Nation get the pleasure of dealing with drunken idiots on a daily basis as I do. In fact, most Bluff Divers are these drunken idiots. But nevertheless, every week some total knob-job comes into the bar and attempts to argue sports with yours truly. They will say asinine things like, “the NFL is not fixed,” “turn off this baseball crap I think the Pens preseason game is on,” “Journey is the greatest band of all time,” and “The Pirates should have kept Nate McClouth.” Most of the time I shrug this off as drunken Yinzers being drunken Yinzers and placate there idiocy, but recently I nearly fist fought a patron who tried to argue with me that there is parity in every professional sport except baseball because there is no salary cap. Clearly sir you are a moron. This one got me fired up.

Let’s face it, teams like the Pittsbrugh Pirates stinking for the better part of twenty years has more to do with the fact that they are horribly run organizations than any financial disparity in Major League Baseball. Don’t believe me? Think the Sox and Yankees are the pariah of the sporting world and Major League Baseball is so botched up?…well let’s look at some numbers:

Since 2000 (not including the 2009 season), MLB has had 8 different World Series champions and 0 repeat champions. The NBA has had 5 champions, the NFL 6. The NFL and NBA have both had repeat champs. MLB has had 14 different teams in the World Series. The NBA Finals has seen 10 different teams. The NFL has had 13 different teams make it to the Super Bowl. Want a smaller sample, from 2005-2008, 20 different teams in MLB have made the playoffs. Want a larger sample, since the Wild Card era began, all but 4 teams have made the playoffs? Can you guess the four? Let me help you out: Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Montreal/Washington, and the Toronto Blue Jays. Yes, three of these are considered “small market/low payroll” teams but look at the teams that have made the playoffs (some winning championships)in this same time frame: Milwaukee, Cincinnati, Oakland, Minnesota, Florida, Tampa Bay, Baltimore, Cleveland, San Diego, Detroit, and Arizona. Keep in mind that these stats reign true despite the fact that MLB, BY FAR, boasts the lowest percentage of its teams making the postseason.

MEMO TO YOU IDIOTS: BASEBALL PARITY IS NOT ONLY A REALITY BUT MAY EVEN USURP THE SO-CALLED GREAT PARITY IN THE NFL. Believe it or not, the same teams in the NFL are always good (Steelers, Patriots, Colts, Eagles, etc.), and for the most part the same teams are always bad. Most of you ‘burghers ignore this because you happen to live in a city whose team is always good. Try moving to Cleveland, or Oakland, or Detroit, or Houston, or Kansas City, or D.C. and ask them how they feel about their teams and parity in the NFL. And when someone says, “in football you can stink one year and be good the next and that doesn’t happen in baseball,” they are smoking crack. Its a heck of a lot easiear to improve a 40-man roster than it is to turn around an entire football team. Teams go from worst to first, or at least from worst to competitive, FAR MORE OFTEN in baseball than in football. Look it up. Its true folks. You can have a horrible team in baseball rebound from one year to the next just like you can in football. Just asked the folks in Miami or Tampa or Atlanta or Milwaukee, they will tell you!

And what is this myth about the necessity of parity in sports for the league and the sport to be successful anyways? What about college sports? Everybody seems to love when traditional powers are good. I am a much bigger fan of all college sports (except in baseball) than I am of pro sports. Many of you might feel the same way. Aren’t these big schools analogous to “big market” teams in pro sports? Don’t schools like Texas, Penn State, Alabama, Florida, etc. in football and Kansas, Kentucky, North Carolina, UCONN, etc. in basketball have way more money, better facilities, traditions, and exposure than smaller and less prominent teams that compete at the same level? Aren’t they naturally given a competitive advantage since there is no set draft that favors lower teams getting better players like in pro sports? Yet there seems to be no hoopla, no ballyhoo, no fa chey chey, about the lack of parity in college sports, except of course from Boise State and Utah. And while upsets in the NCAA basketball tourney are what makes that event great, very rarely do we see George Masons make it to the Final Four consitently, let alone win it all.

What does this all mean, Thorton? Well, I for one believe the NFL thrives only due to the amount of legal and illegal gambling that surrounds it. Just point to Roger Goodell trying to mandate that teams report if they are going to sit their players after clinching byes in the playoffs and you will see a glaring example of the connection between the two. Go ahead and watch the Steelers/Chargers game from last year, check the point spread, and then get back to me if you disagree. While some games can be exciting, the vast are by and large boring penalty fests that are ridiculously commercial laden and have less actual game action than all other sports (per a Sports Illustrated study on the subject), about 12 minutes of real action per game. The antichrist-network , ESPN, has shoved the NFL and NBA down our throat in an attempt to knock baseball as much as possible (see their steroid scandal coverage in baseball versus rampant steroid use in the NFL-which really began with the 70’s stiillers-that constantly gets swept under the rug ). Keep in mind EVERY major network and media conglomerate has a vested interest in the success of the NFL and attempts to gonzo the NFL down our throat as well. The same cannot be said for any other sport. Parity in the NFL is one of the many myths that The Man wants you to buy in to. Not being able to compete in baseball as a small market is a similar myth, and should not be a crutch for small market teams to lean their mediocrity upon!

The point of all of this? Don’t believe what they tell you…Baseball is still America’s sport: accessible and affordable to all, representative of all races, continents, countries, and creeds. It is a pastime not based on blackout drunk tailgates, bar fights, gambling, brute violence, and guns in the locker room but one of fathers and sons, enjoying beers on a warm summer day with some buds, patience, grace, excitement, and grit. It is still America’s pastime ….and it is only a couple of months away!

Five Factors....Duquesne vs. Shitt Preview

Well, we have reached it. The eve of the Dukes annual matchup against the Shitt Panthers and their egregious, ridiculously fairweather, awful, smelly fan base. Of all sporting events that take place on a yearly basis, particularly the ones in which the outcome is pretty much in the books, there is no other game that makes me more nervous, anxious, angry, and...well, drunk than the annual "City Game." By the way, I think Pittsburgh's own Dan Cortese came up with that ingenious and creative name when he was the "host" of the game circa 1994. I do believe that one day, when Thorton Mellon is the official game host, that we might come up with a better name for the game...like "Judges versus Janitors," for example. That being said, and since the Hippie Pinko Post-Gazette will only write about State-run institutions, I will now provide some reasons why our Dukes might just win this game. And in doing so will provide, in reality, five reasons they won't.

FIVE X FACTORS IN THE "CITY GAME"

1) Damian Saunders: While still playing out of position he is quickly becoming a dominate offensive and defensive force. He leads the nation in rebounding and is third in the country steals, averaging nearly 17, 16, and 4 per game. He grabbed 16 boards while facing the nation's second leading rebounder, surefire NBA prospect, and third cousin of Ivan Drago, Artisom Parakhouski of Radford (via Belarus). Pitt will run Nasir Robinson and Gary McGhee at him, and his play on both ends of the floor will make or break the Dukes. When he plays inspired basketball, the rest of the team responds to him in much the same way they did to Aaron Jackson, which is rare considering the position he plays.

2) Free Throw Shooting: I know this is a bit obvious and Madden-esque, but both teams are pretty abysmal from the charity stripe (Duq:61% Pitt:65%). This has plagued "Weasel" Dixon and "Teflon" Ron for as long as they both have been at the helm at each...eh em...respective school. "Helm" is a fitting word for both greased up sideline jockeys, isn't it? The team that can get to the line and actually knock down their fouls in clutch moments will come out on top. If they decide to not let Shitt play the mind-numbing, bull shit style typical of Big East rugby, nay basketball teams, the Dukes will get their chances at the line and they will need convert better than the sub-50% they shot against Radford to win.

3) Bench Play: Due to the injury of budding star Melquan Bolding, which I will argue is a bigger blow to the Dukes than Shitt losing Dixon for 8 weeks, the Dukes have been basically going a wopping total of 1-man deep on their bench. Additionally, Rodrigo Peggau is still not seeing minutes due to his bad knee and Melekalika Maka Williams looks like an incredible bust. If they get caught in foul trouble or shoot their emotional wad early, we could be facing a solid dose of Oliver Lewinson for extended parts of the game. I would rather stay at home and watch an endless loop of Failure to Launch than have to witness this in person. Pitt plays eight players and is very deep, albeit very young, in their front court. This could spell trouble for the Dukes.

4) Home-court Disadvantage: The Dukes "sold-out" their home-court advantage against Shitt in order to secure the 2012 NCAA tournament and to make nice-nice with the management staff of the Arena/Consol Energy center. This move will benefit fans of college hoops down the road, bring some cash into the program, and may allow the Dukes to ultimately host the A-10 tournament, but it definitely does not help this team beat the Shitt Panthers tomorrow night. I argued this 7 AND 12 years ago when the Dukes hosted the NCAA tourney...THE GOAL IS TO GO TO THE TOURNEY, NOT HOST IT!...A win against Shitt was way more probable at the Palumbo and would go a long way into legitimizing the Dukes' program in this city. The crowd will be decidedly in favor of Shitt, and this may play a factor if the game is close late and with the officials (who will probably be favoring Shitt anyways). It will also benefit Shitt's perimiter play as well, as the Panthers compete at many more venues with large or no shooting backgrounds, including the Pete. It may take a while for the Dukes to get used to the Arena, a notoriously difficult place to shoot.

5) Curses, and Ghosts, and Gin, oh my!: It is without a doubt that the passing of a certain legendary Bluff Diver, gin drinker, and sexual harrasser had a direct effect on the Dukes' magical run in the Atlantic-Ten tourney last year. Hopefully, the Dukes success will continue in the same fashion tomorrow night. In addition, I planted a Duquesne pin belonging to the curmudgeoned BluffDivers logo-model at Shitt's Chancellor's mansion this past summer in hopes of cursing the program and university that curdled both of our loins! Maybe, just maybe we will have someone looking down on our Dukes from up above that help get us just ONE VICTORY, ONE TIME against Shitt!!! If not, he will no doubt be watching with a smile as we get drunk either way.

LET'S GO DUKES! LET'S GO DUKES! LET'S GO DUKES!

Interview with the Enemy Part 2

Here is the interview I did with the number 1 biased Dayton Flyers website in the world, www.blackburnreview.com. These guys are awesome and know their shit, despite being from Ohio. Please comment here on www.bluffdivers.com or on their site...a good showing from bluff diver nation will be appreciated. Please keep in mind that this interview was given prior to Pitt strong-arming the Dukes into moving their game at the Palumbo to the Arena.

DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY: BACK FROM THE BRINK

The Duquesne University Dukes are coming off a stellar year where they quietly turned in a fantastic season. This year, they will not be able to sneak up on the competition. I got the exciting privilege to interview Thorton Mellon of the fantastic all things Duquesnse blog, Bluff Divers. We talked about the Dukes continuing on last year's success, what it means to have a true out of conference schedule, Ron Everhart staying in Pittsburgh forever and ever, and of course, that fucking insane "language" called Pittsburghese.

DD: Let's take a look back at Duquesne's stellar 2008-09 season. The Dukes finished 21-13 and not many people across the country will remember this but the Dukes were just 6 points away from an NCAA berth. While an NIT bid (the first postseason berth of any kind since 1994) is nothing to sneer at if you are a Dukes fan, it had to be a little heartbreaking knowing that the NCAA Tournament was so close, yet so far away. How would you rate last season in terms of all time Duquesne basketball history?

TM: To put everything in perspective, the Dukes season last year was like a really good trip to Vegas. The Dukes' run in the A-10 tourney championship was like unexpectedly waking up with $3,000 in your pocket after crushing a three card poker table in drunken stupor. And even though losing in the A-10 Championship was like blowing 2 of those g's at Sapphire without having your love muscle juiced, the trip was well worth the good times. It was also an invaluable experience for what was the youngest team in D1 hoops last year and really opened a lot of eyes to what type of team the Dukes have the potential to be.

On a side note: The A-10's worst officiating crew that had screwed us ridiculously at St. Joe's, among several other occasions, was calling the A-10 championship game. You know, the short old guy with white hair comb-over and the two black guys. The one who doesn't blow his whistle at all and the one who I think accidentally chokes on it then makes up a call. So I pretty much knew weren't going to win. FYI Jim Satilin (former disgruntled Dukes head coach who left the program in ruins in 1987) is the head of the A-10 officials, so we never seem to get any favorable calls, home or away. Every questionable call went in Temple's favor down the stretch and at least four missed calls went against the Dukes in the final five minutes. Conspiracy theory? You tell me.

Last season was tremendous and I think that the Dukes have a chance to sustain a high level of play for a long time to come. The first postseason appearance since 1994 is nothing to shake a stick at, but the best season in Dukes history is undoubtedly the 1955 NIT championship year. As I am sure you are aware, the NIT was really considered to be the premier tournament back then and when the #6 DUKES beat #9 DAYTON at the Garden in the final. The victory was considered by most pundits to be the true National Title. Both the Flyers and Dukes that year would have mopped the floor with an NCAA “Champion” San Francisco team that featured Bill Russell. This is according to the late, great Pops Jordanoff (Duquesne junior in '55, legendary Bluff Diver hof'er, Robert Goulet look-a-like, and model for the Bluff Divers logo). The '55 Dukes team featured back-to-back #1 overall NBA picks in Dick Ricketts and Sihugo Green. Duquesne remains the only team in NBA history to have back-to-back #1 overall picks. The Dukes continued to be a powerhouse in the fifties, sixties, and seventies, and as of 1980 were the 5th winningest program in college hoops history (Kentucky, UNC, Kansas, Duke, and Duquesne!!! No seriously, I am not bullshitting you on this one). So while last season was a great ride and a blast for long time Dukes fans, we still have a long long way to go.

DD: How can Duquesne build on that successful year? It looks as if Duquesne is returning a lot of players that will only help build on that successful season. However, Everhart and Co. will not have the services of 2009 First Team Atlantic 14 member and Most Improved player, Aaron Jackson. Who is going to fill the void of losing an almost 20 points a game player? Are there any incoming recruits that will help immediately?

TM: As Dayton definitely missed Brian Roberts last year the Dukes will certainly miss Jackson this year, but they will actually be a much deeper team with even greater athleticism with what they have coming in. I personally think they have a chance to be a better "team" now that they can't rely on AJAX to take over. Directly, Eric "Whachu talking about Willis" Evans and Melquan "Willis" Bolding, now sophomores, seem poised to pick up Jackson's slack. In fact, I went back and watched the entire A-10 tourney run on my DVR, and Bolding and Evans (not AJAX surprisingly) carried the team in many, if not most key moments. It will be exciting to see their development.

In other areas, the Dukes should have the most formidable frontcourt they have seen under Ron Everhart. 7 footer Morakinyo "Mele keleke maka" Williams, a Kentucky transfer and former top 150 recruit, and 6'8'' Brazilian native Rodrigo Peggau, a medical redshirt last year who also starred in Only the Strong, will give the Dukes a must needed presence underneath the basket. This will also free up Damian Saunders to play a lot of 3 in some sets and the 4 position when the Dukes go small, which will present a lot of problems both offensively and defensively for a lot of teams.

Coming in as freshmen, they have two highly regarded prospects at positions they are already fairly deep at. Small forward Andre Marhold, a Pittsburgh native, chose Duquesne over Clemson and Winthrop, and grades out as an 85 (High Major Prospect) per Scouts.com and is rated #75 SF by ESPN. He can play the 3 and 4 positions and is extremely athletic, aggressive, and apparently has a great work ethic which is exactly what Everhart looks for. Also coming in is shooting guard Sean Johnson, an 83 by Scouts.com and #121 SG by ESPN. He seems to be out of the MelRon Everhart, in an undated photoquan Bolding mode in that he is very athletic, can jump out of the gym and get to the basket, but can be streaky at times with his mid-range to long-range jumper. While these players will see valuable minutes, Everhart will make them earn their spots in the regular rotation as they sit behind returning starters at both of their positions. Regardless, the Dukes will be very deep and very athletic in Everhart's run and gun system.

DD: Looking at the Dukes' non-conference schedule, it looks a lot like Dayton's in terms of lots of so-so teams with a powerhouse team tinkered in there to keep the fans happy. I doubt it's just me, but do you agree with me in saying that the 2 most important games are December 9 at West Virginia and the December 2 game vs Pittsburgh AT home. Now, we all know that Duquesne is in Pittsburgh and Pitt rarely flirts with the lower level teams (and when they do, they get beat down...like Dayton did to them), but this has to be a HUGE game, right? What are you expecting from these 2 games?

TM: First off, Pitt can suck a big fat terd. So can their fan base, which I will contend is by and large one of the least knowledgeable groups of fair-weather idiots that you will ever meet. Yes, their fans are worse than most “yinzer” Steelers fans who scream for Charlie Batch to play every time Big Ben throws an incomplete pass. Most of these fans can’t spell their names and are currently part-time janitors or secretaries for the companies and law firms that most Duquesne graduates own.

Pitt fans cannot seem to realize why their team can never "get over the hump," yet they NEVER challenge themselves out of conference, especially on the road. When they do, the results haven't been good. Most Pitt fans also think college basketball began in the city started when Ben Howland took over as coach and think the double bonus is when Peter’s Pub runs Iron City AND IC Light bottles before home game. But even with Pitt's least experienced team in quite some time, their out of conference matchups, which I think includes games against the Oakland School for the Blind and the Bluffdivers All-Stars, will not present much of a challenge and should all but guarantee them a 20 win season.

For Duquesne, the Pitt game will undoubtedly be the biggest non-conference game of the year. Last time that Pitt played the Dukes at Palumbo, our Dukes staged a massive comeback after falling down early in the game, eventually losing at the end because of the stellar performance of man-child Sam Young. If the Dukes were to beat Pitt it would be the biggest victory of the Everhart era by far. This would be the type of victory that can significantly boost Alumni support from a very prominent and affluent Alumni base and at very least increase regional exposure for the program. It would also be huge in restoring a once great cross-town rivalry that would be very big for college hoops in the area.

The WVU game is also a long time Eastern 8 rivalry game that the Dukes blew last year. Everhart and Huggy Bear are good friends, which adds to the game, but it definitely plays second banana to the Pitt game. If the Dukes were able to miraculously pull off both victories, the city would be on fire with Dukes fever!

DD: Ron Everhart is entering his 4th season at Duquesne and has pretty much been a God send. I really don't feel like researching anymore so help us out. To me, Duquesne has to be locking this guy up before he moves onto a bigger school. Let's be honest, it's going to happen. What are your thoughts on what Everhart has done with this program?

TM: The Dukes signed Everhart to an extension after last season which runs through the 2013-14 season. Good Move. But as you know, a contract extension in college basketball is about as binding as the marriage vows between a low budget porn star and a crack dealer. Everhart is kinda local (from about an hour and a half south of the 'burgh in Fairmont, W.V.), is very Catholic, and his wife's from here, so I think he might stay. I have inside information that he wants to stay and build an Xavier/Dayton/St. Joes type program, but I received this insider tip from the same person that had inside info that John Belein was staying at WVU. Needless to say, he is seemingly on his way to fully resurrecting arguably the worst program in all of college basketball and has done an amazing overall job-despite how much I may malign his in-game coaching. If he does put the Dukes fully back on the NCAA map, he will be a hot commodity for many major programs. Prior to last season, he had been linked to Providence, LSU, and Virginia Tech because of his ties to those areas, but those three jobs seem much less likely to be available in the near future after last season. Duquesne's endowment is definitely large enough to bust up some serious green if need be and I think they will for Everhart. If he bolts, look for the Dukes to make assistant Coach and big time recruiter Bill Barton to succeed Teflon Ron.

DD: Last one. Don't think you are getting out of here without using some Pittsburghese language. If you can, please give us a few sentences with your prediction for this season and of course, including the words "yinz," "gumbands," "Sliberty," "Irrrrron City," and "Dahntahn." And more words if need be.

TM: I hesitate to respond to this question as the Yinzers who speak Pittsburghese are the bane of my daily existence and it is clear that this question would be more suitable for the aforementioned moronic Pitt fans. But that being said I will say that if the Dukes go to the “torrrney, chrisht…I doughno….I will beeer bong abahhht 15 Irrrrons n’at, put on some Donnnie Irrris, go dahn to Sliberty to eat ahht one of them there hookers…city of championsh baby….yinz got nuthin…we got tha Stillerrrs Pensh Pannthers, and them Dookesss…screw the bucccoooos, they stink. Can’t believe they traded Mcllaaath and Freddy and Jack Jack…Byooooteeeful park tho."

Translation: If the Dukes win the A-10 Tourney, I will get ridiculously drunk on crappy beer while listening to really bad garbage band rock music. I will the go to one of Pittsburgh's worst neighborhoods and sequester a street hooker with hopes of performing oral sex on HER. I am an idiot that knows nothing about football, basketball, or hockey and takes odd masochistic pleasure through complaining about my baseball team and their trading of mediocre players, even though I attend 30 games a year.

Do you know that Donnie Iris was actually announced on opening day last year as "International Recording Artist: Donnie Iris?" I guess that gig that they recorded on Donnie's camcorder in Hamilton, Ontario qualifies him as "international." Only in my hometown. GO DUKES!
Thanks to Thorton for the entertaining interview. Duquesne is going to be a good team this year, so watch out Flyer fans!

My Summertime Wish List

Dear Pops,

Now that you have firmly planted yourself next to Sammy, Frank, and Deano at the Big Martini Bar in the sky, I have a couple of things I would like you to ask the Big Guy to do for me. I am technically unemployed, overweight, going nowhere with my life, and generally miserable, so he should be up to grant me a couple of favors:

1) Please strike down Joe Buck with some horrible, horrible illness that makes him die a slow, painful, and humiliating death. But do this only after he is convicted of distributing child pornography while fondling small defenseless puppies. This will prevent any "Joe Buck's Dying a Slow and Painful Death" tribute specials from airing on FOX or any other garbage network. Please also allow the same fortune for Pirates announcer Greg Brown. And the Obama administration. And The Pitt Panthers Basketball team.

2) Please send me a secret formula for alleviating backne. There are a lot of medications for acne, but none specifically targeted at stopping backne. I figure I can make alot of money with this one...and also put it to good use!!!...As president of Backne-Be-Gone, I would have many former Major League sluggers at my disposal for spokesmen.

3) Please transform the shape of my penis into that of a large hammerhead shark, thus allowing me to finally produce one of the two porn scripts I wrote in high school, naturally entitled "Hammerheads."

4) Please allow Moms to re-marry Mark Cuban. I think me and Daddy Cubes could have a good time. Although I could not help but feel a little like Arnold from Different Strokes. If Daddy Cubes wanted, I would gladly say "Whatchu talking about, Iliya."

5) Please let Needle Nose Ned Ryerson get his own T.V. show

6) Please cancel "The View" and erase the fact that it ever existed from my memory.

7) Please put "Cheers" re-runs on during the day. As a practicing member of NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood), I really appreciate the "Married...With Children" episodes that are now running, but if I have to watch one more fricking episode of "Yes, Dear" or "Just Shoot Me" while nursing a hangover I may kill someone. Somehow I still watch these shows everytime they are on even though I know they suck. To quote the standup of one Clifford Claven, "Whatsup with that?"

8) Please make Ben Roethleseberger not a complete and total douchebag. I do realize this may be even beyond your powers and magic tricks, Big Guy. You may have to bring in Jeebus, or Buddha, or "the hawk" for this one.

9) Please allow the 80's women's hairstyle of side pony tails and hair pulled down to one side to make a comeback. It is a weird, while ridiculous Bluff Diver turn on that will be prominently featured in "Hammerheads."

10) Please allow the Dukes to land a couple of huge late recruits (like Damian Saunders) within the next month or two. Also please have security at the beginning of the year BSU dance at Duquesne. We don't need another repeat of "Boys in tha Bluff" before this promising season. FYI I am a former member of the BSU (Black Student Union). True Story.

March 3, 2009

From my earliest memories I have always shared many things with my dad, good and bad. My raunchy sense of humor, my nickname, my short temper, my penchant for wearing my emotions on my sleeve. My skin color, my anxiety, my alarming frequency of bowel movements, my accepting spirit of all people....to name a few. But of the many things my dad and I shared, one of our first mutual loves was Duquense basketball. As a young boy I heard countless stories of championships and great rivalries. I heard the tales of Dick Ricketts, Sihugo Green, and legendary coaches Chick Davies, Dudey Moore, and Red Manning. He often shared memories of the old Duquesne Gardens and of the magical season of 1955. To put it mildly, I was born a fan of the Duquesne Dukes.


On gamedays I would spread out on the dining room floor in front of the radio (in my younger days with a bowl of ice cream and in later years with homework) and listen to every away game on the airwaves with pops. He would guzzle martinis as I would quietly mark the days on the calendar when they would be playing their next home game, all while hanging on every Ray Goss word. See...me and pops both had hopes of one day sharing together the Dukes return to glory. We both would be there to see the Dukes once again be the toast of the town. To hoist championship banners and to give me the vivid memories and stories to pass on to my own children, his grandkids. Almost as importantly, we would share in the tumultuous demise of those hated Pitt Panthers!


On those special frigid winter nights when the Dukes were in town, he would bundle up my feeble frame and toss me into his Ford Pinto, or Escort, or Dodge Neon and cruise down the parkway east at a bawdy 35 mph. At first it was games at the Arena and then later it was our two seats at the Palumbo. And they were indeed our two seats (even when I was the star Dukes ball boy those were still our seats)! We would laugh and cheer, and often suffer with our Dukes. Sometimes my other brother would come. But most of the time it was just me and pops. I would hear Pops swear at the refs and I would swear too (although we wouldn't tell mom!). We would talk to Mr. Shubert next to us about, well, just about anything. More often than not we would both leave mad, but win or lose we always kept with our Dukes.


When the games were over it got even better (since most of the time they lost). We would take the long way home through Oakland. We would head right to Primanti's to see my hero at the time, my older brother Nicky. Pops would have a beer (to chase down the pre-game gin). I would have a Dr. Pepper, ham and cheese fries only, with some extra fries on the side. Everytime. We would stay for about an hour and shoot the breeze. I would find out years later that we would also undoubtedly mess up Nicky to the fullest with whatever young co-eds he and Jerome were scheming on! But that was ok and probably for the better!!! It was a great time for me and pops. When I got to high school he would even let me have a couple of sips of his beer. We always came home with a smile on our face! And no matter how much we argued, or fought, or bickered, it was all suspended for a Dukes game. It was just us, the game, a couple of guys being guys, and a cold winter night. For a brief couple of hours, we would just be together, willing on a common goal. This of course being a Dukes win!


When I got to college things changed. I was a Duquesne student. Students wouldn't dare to be caught at a Dukes game. There were a million better things to do. Hang out with buds, get nuts, try to find some girls (quite an anomoly in years previous). The Dukes were the laughing stock of the college basketball world, and clearly the university too. We were drawing about 5 people a game. Students (including my best friend and roommate) would make fun of "those dorks" who attended games. But I never once stopped going because of Pops. The two of us would meet and it was as if I was 8 years old again. We would sit in our seats and everything was ok with the world. We were best friends, not father and son. We would cheer, but mostly yell, we would laugh, but mostly.....well, yell. It was a few hours out of the week, on a cold night, that we would be able to get away from it all. The only problems we had at all were the horrible officiating and the ridiculous lack of talent on the team!


A couple of weeks ago, with my dad in better spirits from the sickness that had been keeping him down, I picked up Pops at his house and made sure HE was bundled up! We got his oxygen tank ready and he made sure that I dropped him off really close so he didn't have to walk far. We sat in Our Seats. We didn't talk about life, or what was wrong with me, or what was wrong with him. We didn't talk politics, or family issues, we just were together. It was just us (with a couple of great friends I might add). We were a couple of guys being guys, on one of those frigid winter nights that he really couldn't handle anymore. The Dukes lost, we swore at the refs, we went home happy just to be together.


My dad checked into the hospital early on Sunday morning. He had been in surgery earlier in the week but was supposed to be ok. We had made plans to see our Dukes play a huge game against Rhode Island that Sunday. Our Dukes had given us a glimmer of hope. We were going to celebrate their return to glory together. He was excited and nervous. So was I. As I walked into his room decked out in my Dukes gear, I was told he would be in for a couple of days and he would be alright. As I looked at him, I knew he wouldn't be. It was the first time in my life that I could see that my other hero was fallible, that he was very afraid. I looked at him and I could see death staring him in the face. I was afraid too. I didn't know what to say. It felt like we had both been in a big fight. Me for my dad. Him for his life. I, just as verbose as he, was speechless. So I talked about the Dukes. He asked if they were on t.v. and I told him I didn't know but that we were going to the game so it didn't matter!!! He normally would have smiled or laughed at that but he didn't. He said that this was a big game and I told him that we would go wednesday if he got out of the hospital and that I would give him updates of everything that happened. I told him that I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow. He said in typical pops fashion "me too, man." I had a very strange feeling that that was the last time I would see pops. My mother would talk to him later that night, and one of the first things out of his mouth was a brief lament about the Dukes loss!


On Monday morning I got the call to come to the hospital. Pops was in bad shape but they wouldn't tell us what or why. When I got to the hospital I was told that my dad was in a coma and had died for at least ten minutes. I was again speechless. And as he layed in his hospital, in what the doctors called a vegetative state, I knew he was still with me. I held his hand as he used to hold mine when we would walk to the arena or through oakland. I kissed him on the forehead as he used to kiss me goodnight. I talked to him by myself, and told him that I loved him and how much he meant to me. How all of our problems seemed so silly now and what a great friend he was to me-and a great father too! I told him as tears ran down my cheek, as they are flowing freely now, that he will always be with me and I will always be with him. How I would do anything to have him back to go to one Dukes game or cook me one macaroni and cheese dinner or tell me one more of his Uncle Phil and L.A. stories. I told him to wake up because going to the games would not be the same without you. When he passed this evening I realized that the games, our family, my life, or anything from now on would never be the same.


I love you so much dad. I wish I could bring you back and have just one more night with you. We would go to the game, see Nicky, have a beer and a sandwich, and realize that we weren't just father and son....that we have always been best friends. May you rest in peace and hey...throw some luck our Dukes way!

I love you, tat!

Almost March...And I Am Starting to Go Mad!!!

- Our Dukes begin the month of March with a solid chance to enter post-season play for the first time since 1994. With two of the final three contests at home, albeit against 20+ win Rhode Island team and an always tough St. Louis team, the N.I.T. remains a distinct possibilty. Winning two out of three (figuring March 7th @ Dayton will be a loss), and then grabbing a game in the A-10 tournmanent, would give the Dukes their first 20 win season since the Reagan administration. Regardless of what happens, the season must be considered a tremendous success as they are the youngest team in the country and have every reason to believe they will only get better in years to come. Two top recruits (Miko Williams-Kentucky transfer and A. Marhold- #22 power forward in the country) should help next year's....gasp.... tourney run! Similarly, I think we get at least another year of Teflon Ron Everhart. His rumored main suitor, Providence, just spanked your Pitt Panthers and are likely headed to the Big Dance. So thank you Pitt!.. for possibly choking your number one seed away late in the year and keeping Ron around for us!

- To honor that 1994 NIT team (which lost to Kerry Kittles and the Villanova Wildcats at the Palumbo in round 2), we will take a look back at life in 1994:

$- Duquesne was back in the A-10 after a brief stint in the ill-faded MCC (Evansville, Xavier, Butler, Etc). The Dukes still couldn't win close games and very easily could have made the NCAA tourney. They were officially listed as as "bubble team" on the selection show. Little did I know this would be a highlight of my young adult life.

$- Tom Pipkins was a heralded college frosh, snatched away from Michigan, who had not yet found out about the college special at Milano's or the weed available on the 7th floor of towers or at the "pink house." Back then it was known as Corleone's and he soon would find out about both.

$- Derrick Alston and Ricky Lopes headed a front-court of two 7 footers. Alston would go on the NBA and then to a successful career in Turkey. Ricky Lopes would go on to do 1-800-CAll ATT commercials with Marlon Wayans!

$- I was still successfully able to pleasure myself to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and the bra section of the JC Penny mid-year catalog. Hard core pornography or late night cable t.v. would not be needed for many years to come.

$- Kirstie Alley was still kind of hot---not really though

$- Michael Jackson was still kind of black---not really though

$-The Montreal Expos were considered contenders in the NL East. The "Jake" was set to open in Cleveland. Pending labor unrest would hamper both perennial losers bravado.

$- Basketball players shorts still were worn slightly above the knee.

$- Andre Agassi still had hair, as did most of us.

$- The Dukes hadn't stunk for almost thirty years. They had stunk for fifteen.

$- I still thought I would be the starting shortstop for the Boston Red Sox.

$- My parents still made me read four books a month and would not even consider the purchase of basic cable television. They kept the Sports Illustrated subscription rolling though!

$- Seinfeld started not to suck.

$- The Yankees weren't any good and hadn't been for years!

$-Steroids were cool!

$- Will Smith was still the Fresh Prince and MTV had not yet given its stamp of approval on homosexuality or casual interracial relationships. They also still played music videos...so I am told.

$-Party Rock, Zubaz Pants, Mullets, Ford Probes, MGD and Flourescent tank tops with spandex bottoms were all dying a slow death...not it Pittsburgh though baby!!!!

$- The Dukes still were considered the number one choice of Center-Power Forward Danny Forston. He had not yet been kicked out of the Palumbo by John Carrol.

$-Saturday Night Live was still funny.

GO DUKES!!!!!!

It Was The Best Of Times...The First Positive Post In Bluff Diver History!!!

Let's be honest. This wildly popular sports blog might be considered by some to be a tad....well...bitter. A little randy at times, a little silly, and yes, a little mean. By far and large I hate most things, most people, and most importantly, my own day to day life on earth. Yes, I do find retarded people funny and love to make fun of them. I make fun of and objectify women, and their crotch turkeys. I enjoy pornography and I am not ashamed to admit that my allegiance to it may be what some people consider to be a serious problem. I pretty much disagree with anybody of different political views, skin color (hate those whiteys), penis size, and anyone with a positive disposition. This being said, there is reason to celebrate in Bluff Diver Land...for life is almost bearable and things are good (for now). Here's why:

-The Duquesne University Dukes-

(that's right, I said it)

Last night I stormed the court at the A.J. Palumbo Center. Last night I stormed the court. Last night I stormed the court at the A.J. Palumbo Center. For the second time in my lifetime and for the first time in 17 years, the Palumbo crowd stormed the court as the Dukes clinched their second consecutive winning year by beating #9 Xavier. This is their biggest win over 30 years. Which leaves the question: Is there any greater story in local sports-fuck what the local media will tell you about Pitt and the Steelers- than the resurgence of the Dukes program? The answer is resoundingly no.

Just three short years ago, the Dukes were quite possibly the worst program in Major D1 basketball. Following a 3 win season, they did their best reenactment of the final scene in Above The Rim, and had to have open tryouts to fill their roster. They had posted one winning year in over twenty seasons and were the laughing stock of the basketball world. Going to a Dukes game was like going to Church, or a Bob Seger concert, or a grade school girls basketball game, or watching an Obama speech...it was just plain unbearable and would make any intelligent person want to puke. In other words, they were pretty much the Pittsburgh Pirates of college hoops. There were players on the team that I could legitamately beat in a game of two on two (this is well documented to be true).

Today they sit at 15-7 (and would be 16-6 if not for some highly questionable officiating against St. Joes). Last season they posted the second largest RPI improvement of any division one team (Buffalo was #1). They now have clinched a second consecutive winning campaign, have had two straight top 30 recruiting classes, and are poised to make a run to their first post-season in 15 seasons. Better yet, they are the youngest team in D1 and should only get better from here. Competitive hoops has returned to the bluff and has made this diver one satisfied customer. Every game at the Palumbo this year (except for the ODU game) has been a wildly entertaining...if not wildly popular like this sports blog. While there is much room for improvement in every aspect of the Dukes program (please Lord get rid of the MASSively embarrassing fattys on the cheerleader squad), there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is more than a glimmer of hope for us long suffering fans. Normally, I would think that after a big win the Dukes would transform into their alter ego-the Ducks- and go right into the toilet. But not this year! Not these Dukes. I think this young team is turning the corner right before our eyes! I am currently sipping on the Dukes kool-aid. Let's Go Dukes!!!! Let's Go Dukes!!! Let's Go Dukes!!!

Things in Sports that I Find Retarded! Part 1

THINGS IN SPORTS THAT I FIND RETARDED!

by Thorton Mellon.

1) The Gatorade Bath. Enough already with this crap. I think I will push for a gatorade bath for Ron Everhart if the Dukes cover the spread against Fordham Sunday. This should have gone by the waste side with many other things from the 80's, like Zubaz and The Human League. Its not even fricking Gatorade. Maybe they should work up to the bath. Like win a big game gets the RC cola bath. Clinch the division, Vitamin Water bath. Or crappy baths for poor performance... Lose the AFC Championship, Starbuck coffee bath. Lose the super bowl, Lime Jello Bath. Retarded.

2) The MLB Network. I love baseball more than anything, but Bud and his boys shit the bed with this one. How many times can you see a replay of the Phillies/Devil Rays World Series? Seriously, you own video rights to every Major League game/documentary/old school home run derbies-which were player vs. player- and you choose to show the magical season of the 2001 Seattle Mariners on a daily basis. Eghhhhhh! Retarded.

3) Frank Caliendo. This guy was great for about 1 season of mad t.v. in 2002, yet he is on t.v. more than Roadhouse and Home Improvement combined. Do we need to see a bad impersonation every fricking week...nay every hour on the hour? What do you have to do with sports except for your Madden impersonation? If this rupe is under contract, I think they should shoot the bastard and/or just make him do really demeaning stuff until he shoots himself...like slip-in-sliding into a pool of spoiled milk. Retarded.

4) Hockey Fans (mainly Pittsburgh hockey fans). Man are you double retarded! Have you ever played hockey? That two weeks in gym in middle school with the plastic sticks don't count you idiot. There are forty thousand games and half the teams make the playoffs, you don't need the fricking game on every t.v. at the bar! Face it, you are secretly racist. All the players are white, the surface is white, they play "Cotton-eyed Joe" and Journey at the games, the players still have mullets and many wear Zubaz, and your games are played nationally on the poor man's CMT station. Oh yeah, much like the NFL, you can have minimal athletic skill and just be a big, dumb, slow fighter and still make the league. Retarded.

5) Women's basketball highlights and games on ESPN. Honestly! Honestly! I am sick and tired of this sport being rammed down my throat. I remember a day when I didn't have to look at highlights of missed layups and turnovers in a 42-15 game. Well, except when Pitt plays St. Johns. Enough already. No one cares. Your network exists because of beer drinkers, gamblers, sports nerds, and fans of mens sports. Cater to them and get this dribble off the air. Until the players are hot, wearing skimpy outfits, and aren't bull dike lesbos, than this sport will never have any entertainment value to any heterosexual, sports loving male. Women have the Lifetime Network, put the damn highlights and games on it!!! Retarded.

Dukes Blow Game! Refs Blow Call! Dukes Fans Just Blow?

- After droping a game by nine to Dayton at home, the Dukes made the turnpike trip to Philly to play the St. Joe's Lunardi's (I hate that weisel bastard who spent the whole broadcast talking about his high school basketball coach, his kids PTA meeting, and that Nevins was going to score 30...like that was a tough one to predict asshole) . After needing a 22-4 second half run to be in the the game, the Dukes took a 7 point lead with a 1:22 left in regulation and pissed it away like a drunk at the bar. These are the very moment wen the beloved Dukes turn into...you guessed it...the Same Old Ducks. This overtime loss was helped by the fact that they can't inbound the freaking basketball...ever. Seriously, they have to be the worst inbounding team in basketball. Free throws down the stretch also proved to be an achilles heel! WHY CAN'T THEY EVER FREAKING GET OVER THE HUMP! I will say that it was encouraging to see the Ducks running screens for...and I begrudgingly say this...their best shooter in Jason Duty- who had a career high twenty.

-That being said, the Dukes CLEARLY GOT HOSED by the A10 officials. No matter what anyone says, the A10 needs St. Joe's to do well to get into the tourney and they realize that the Dukes tourney chances are slim. The last second tip in was waved off by two officials then, after minutes of deliberation, the game winning hoop was awarded to St. Joe's. There apparently was no video replay to look at-although somehow I was able to watch (and record) this game live on my computer. Complete Bull Shit! Please tell me how you go end to end, launch a shot, miss two tip ins, and then tip in a third bucket in under 8 seconds and I'll tell you about my three testicles and 27 inch penis! This was clearly a snow job by the A10 who needs its poster teams (Xavier, St. Joes, Umass) to win as many games as they can.

-In this pseudo-Dukes basketball renaissance, it still seems that that the Dukes go in the shitter whenever they start to spark some fan interest. After the Dayton game AJAX basically said we need to win one of these big conference games at home so that they can start drawing some crowds. Brian Gregory, Dayton head coach and future Just For Men spokesperson, was quoted after a game as saying that "It's a shame that attendance hasn't been better here. This place could be a good home-court advantage." While that was certainly a back-ended complement, it was spot on. Think about it! Crowd right on top of you, the stifling heat of the Palumbo, spell-bounding cheerleaders (you look at car wrecks on the highway don't you), a run-and-gun team. But why haven't the fans come out to support the Dukes. Well, Bluff Divers will tell you why:

1) A million years of losing. The biggest culprit to blame in all of this is Duquesne. For years they had a horrible product, horrible game atmosphere, and horrible everything.

2) Student body. Most of the student body lives in the South Side or Mt. Washington. When its 8 degrees and you can walk down the street and get $.25 wings and $1 yuenglings on Wednesday nights at Barry's (gratuitous plug) or go see a heartbreaking loss, I'd choose wings and beer as well.

3) People are too skeptical to drink the Dukes Kool-Aid. They don't want to buy into the Dukes because at any moment people-including myself- believe they will implode.

4) HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE local media coverage. There are more sports teams in this town than the Steelers, Penguins, and Pitt Panthers. The fact that Penn State and WVU get billing over the Dukes is just fricking ridiculous. The post-gazette and local news station clearly are run by the socialist/liberal assholes that own this town and want you to go to, and support, state schools. The trib is the best but still not good. Fact of the matter is a school who plays in a major conference with an enrollment of 14,000 and many prominent local alumni deserves better coverage.

5) Up until last year, zero marketing effort by the Dukes

6) The success of Pitt basketball. This is understandble. Yet I would rather watch a team that runs up and down the floor and actually attempts to score points than watch whatever rugby game they play over in Oakland. Even Joe Lunardi-idiot-said that the Dukes are the most exciting team to watch in the A10, if not one of the most exciting teams in all of college basketball.

The Dukes are a very fun team to watch, who play in a competitive league, but need to get over the hump. A two game road winning streak would have gone a long way to help. A run to the tourney would get everyone on the bandwagon. Well, at least I can dream!

My Interview With The Enemy!

Bill Clark, fresh off of committing a bad foul, looks to miss a wide open three!




For your reading pleasure, and living proof that Bluff Divers IS a wildly popular sports blog, and because I am a lazy Bulgarian Blogger....posted is my interview with Tom Blackburn. Tom is editor-in-chief of Dayton's premier fan website slash/blogg...the blackburn review. I highly suggest you check it out as is highly informative and entertaining to boot!(http://www.blackburnreview.blogspot.com/)....

A Interrogatory with: Duquesne
by Tom Blackburn

I had the sincere pleasure of exchanging dreams and fears with Thorton Mellon of the Duquesne blog, Bluff Divers. Mr. Mellon was courteous enough to share his thoughts on the upcoming tilt with Dayton. He explained why Dayton must stop Aaron Jackson, detailed Ron Everhart's affliation with the KGB, decided which four A-10 teams deserve to meet their timely demise, and states which former Flyer he hated the least. You can read the results below, or simply turn your head away and pretend the truth isn't right in front of your face. I can't decide for you.


Q: This game scares the hell out of me. Duquesne plays a style that can quickly take you out of your comfort zone. If Dayton loses this one, I'm not sure the world makes sense anymore. I felt like last year's loss to the Dukes put the final nail in Dayton's coffin, and a defeat Saturday could send this Flyer team into a deep shame spiral. Put yourself in Brian Gregory's size 6 shoes for a moment. What are the keys to beating the Dukes?

A: Let me just say two things about last season first my friend. (A) The Flyers got hosed in not getting a bid to the NCAA tournament. When they lost that game to the Dukes, the Dukes RPI was in the sixties if I recall so it really wasn't a "bad loss." I would have loved to see Brian Roberts in the tourney for sure. (B) Dayton crushing the massively overrated Pitt Panthers last year was one of the season's highlights. It was the first really good opponent Shitt has gone on the road to play in the Howland/Dixon era and they got their butts handed to them. It just astonishes me that local fans can't understand why Shitt gets lower seeds in the tournament and always are an "early out." It went a long way to prove my point that Pitt and the Big East are good....but not that good!

The formula for beating the Dukes this year seems to be quite simple: Pound the ball inside, play an extended 2-3 zone, and don't try to run with the Dukes. The Dukes glaring weakness this season is their size and strength. Damian Saunders at 6-7 is playing out of position at center, and there is really nothing else there. If he gets in foul trouble the game will be a laugher and the Dukes will be completely dominated on the glass. The bad news for all of us BluffDivers is that there is no help on the way until next season, when 6'10 Kentucky transfer Mike (shortened) Williams will be eligible and Brazilian stud Rod Peggau is healthy. Except against Duke, in all of their losses (Pitt, WVU, and Old Dominion) they have been taken out of their game by stifling zone defenses and a slow paced tempo. They have struggled at times to move the ball and find shots against a 2-3 and this forces this very young team into a lot turnovers. That being said, teams cannot play man against the Dukes because they typically are as athletic or more athletic one-on-one at every position. Aaron Jackson and freshman guard Eric "whatch you taking about Willis" Evans can create shots or scoring opportunities almost at will. Against Bowling Green and last night against George Washington, the Dukes staged massive comebacks because both teams went man for some ungodly reason. Ajax actually was quoted after BG saying that he "couldn't believe they went man."

Q: Ron Everhart looks like a former KGB agent. He has that steely stare and body language that indicates he has snapped a neck or two in his day. His mindset is to attack and let God sort 'em out. Last year, Everhart led the Dukes to their first winning season in 14 years. Duquesne was ranked in the top ten nationally in blocked shots, assists, scoring, and steals. What do you attribute this success to? Given their start this year, it must be more than a gimmicky offense. Hit me with it slowly, I'm taking notes.

A: The biggest complement you can pay to Everhart (his real KGB name is Everhartovich btw) is that his teams have always played extremely hard and that he typically gets the most out of his players. He really changed the attitude of the program from day one and he demands that his players will give 100% at all times-which is why walk-ons like Jason Duty see so many minutes. This is also why he basically gave A-10 rookie of the year Robert Mitchell a kick in the bum on his way out the door to Seton Hall, and really was not upset when Kojo Mensah and Shaun James left after one year.

When he first arrived on the Bluff, he cleaned house of all the slunk meat garbage the Dukes had on their roster and with the help of Bill Barton, and Kim Lewis (assistant coaches), the Dukes have really started to recruit better talent. AJAX and Keiron Archara were the only players to hold over from the Danny Nee era. Everhart also plays a very fun style of hoops: pressing defense, wide open offense, and lots of minutes are easy recruiting tools for those slasher type players who grew up on the black top. The Dukes, when playing well, are fun to watch and score a lot of points, which helps them recruit on a national level. A 2.5 to 1 female to male student body ratio also helps. I saw on your site that the Dukes remind you a little of those Kentucky teams under Pitino. Spot on, as Everhart and Pitino are good friends. Pitino recommended him for the Dukes job and is quoted in our media guide. Pitino's son was on our staff until this year.

Q: Which Dayton player, past or present, would you have like to have seen in a Dukes uniform? On the flip side, was there a UD player that you hated with fiery passion? Please show your work.

A: Without a doubt Brian Roberts would have looked great in the Blue and Red....wait a minute....well, our blue and red for that matter. He was not only a great player who would have fit in well in Everhart's system, but seemed like a class act as well. A backcourt last year with Jackson and Roberts would have been almost unstoppable and would have taken the Dukes to the tourney for sure.

As far as a Dayton player I have hated, or currently hate, I really have no answer. When you are so bad for so long and have absolutely no shot of beating teams like Dayton, it really makes you numb to disliking other A-10 teams and their players. As the Dukes get better, I am hopeful that A-10 rivalries will start to develop and therefore garner some ill will...but basically when you average single digit wins for five plus years, your loins are pretty devoid of passionate hatred (except for the Pitt Panthers, Duke Blue Devils, and New York Yankees, of course! ). Its been so bad, I have actually loathed many Duquesne players and coaches for being so awful. Being an avid Dukes fan for most of my 28 years has really been a sadistic and masochistic affair! So, to not answer your question, I do wholeheartedly cheer for all A-10 teams to do well so that the conference garners some much lacking respect. Phil Martelli can go make sweet love to a sheep, but I won't get started on that. Oh yeah, at Bluffdivers we use cliff notes and don't show our work!

I will say this much, wait till you guys play UNCC. Thay have a point guard Ian Anderson (#11) who blows a kiss in the air after every made shot. Apparently he is a newlywed and its for his wife, which makes it just that much more gay. Its ridiculous. I think you play them on the road this year but if you stream on your computer or if its on t.v., you will want to drive to Charlotte and punch him in the nads.

Q: Aaron Jackson--Ajax to the ladies, Mr. Jackson to his enemies, is a freakish athlete. Put him in Pizza Hut and he is making the most pies, put him on Iron Chef and he is going to embarrass Morimoto with his work on the wok. As a keen follower of the A-10, I certainly don't think he gets the recognition he deserves. AJ has shifted to point guard this year, what's your take? You likey, you no likey?

A: All things run through AJAX on this Dukes team, which is a very good thing as long as he stays healthy. Jackson has been splitting time at the point with freshman Eric Evans and Jason "he could marry my daughter" Duty, but in critical moments the ball is in AJAX hand. He is without a doubt the team leader and almost like a second coach on the floor. It is astonishing that he was not voted to one A-10 preseason team! Love the ball in his hands and his ability to drive to the lane and finish. His touch around the basket is unparalleled in the A-10 for a guard. His line drive jump shot leads him to be streaky at times, but as he goes the team goes and he always seems to be the brightest star at the biggest moments. He had two critical steals, an assist, and hit a huge three in [wednesday] night's comeback against GW (who shot 80% from three point land btw) after a fairly vanilla overall performance. He is a very, very underrated defensive player who, because of his athleticism, can match up against smaller true point guards and power forwards as well.

Q: Hypothetical time. Marcus Johnson is guarding Aaron Jackson so tight that not only can he tell what flavor bubble gum AJ is chewing, Marcus somehow ends up with it in his mouth at the end of the game. Jackson is Lehman Brothers, non-existent. Who steps up for the Dukes and makes up for Jackson's off night?

A: No need for the hypothetical, it happened [wednesday] night against GW and really worked in the Dukes favor. Jackson and Saunders were asleep for about thirty minutes of the game and were neutralized defensively by a surprisingly athletic GW team. Bill Clark-my current arch nemesis-was in foul trouble the whole game (side note: If they kept stats on bad fouls and/or charges per game he would undoubtedly be number one in the nation!) and was on the pine for most of the second half. Melquan "Willis" Boldin, who initially committed to Louisville and is the Dukes first ever top 150 recruit, stepped up with a career high 26 points. Defensive lapses aside, he has progressed nicely and will be a candidate for A-10 rookie of the year when its all said and done. He has a nose for the basket, can jump out of the gym, and he really wants the ball in his hands. Fellow freshman Eric "whatch you takin about Willis" Evans ran point for the entire second half as Jackson moved into Clark's small forward spot and Duty had an off night on both ends of the floor. He sank seven of eight foul shots, an Achilles heel for the Dukes, down the stretch to ice the victory.

Q: That bubble gum reference is of course from the movie Hoosiers. (Little known fact: in the original script, Chitwood misses the final shot and ends up committing suicide on Coach Dale's front lawn.) Let's say I host a round-robin tournament in my studio apartment. We got Hickory High lead by Jimmy Chitwood, Western University coached by the legend, Pete Bell, the five teenaged heroin addicts from the Basketball Diaries, and the Beacon Town Beavers led by a werewolf. Who wins the tourney?

A: As long as Happy Kikendorf doesn't fix the game and Tony passes T.V., Pete Bell takes this round-robin in a land slide. Being of Bulgarian heritage, I am now obligated to quote my favorite line from any sports movie ever and something I have always wanted to hear at a Dukes post-game press conference...

Happy Kikendorf: "Stick a fork in the creep! Because he's done! He's dead meat! You're finished! You will never coach in America again, you got that?! Why don't you try BULGARIA?! Hear they're looking for wimps like you!"

I wonder if Happy knows that Everhart is a K.G.B. agent? I also wondered why they would pick on Bulgaria, considering its history of Olympic Wrestlers, Weightlifters, Drug-Users, Hairy Women, and World's Strongest Man competitors?

Q: There's been some discussion on the blog regarding the possibility of cutting some teams from the A-10. I feel like you and I have become fast friends. Problem is, we have 12 other friends in our circle. We're getting older, time to simplify our lives. Let's cut 4 people from our group. Can't cut Mr. Xavier, he gets us girls. Mr. Temple has a great reputation and knows all the doormen. Mr. Saintjoe beats the shit out of tough guys when we mouth off in bars. So, who do we stop calling? I want the four names. Briefly explain your choices.

A: 1) Ms. Fordham- the A-10's fat friend who you still wouldn't go home with after bonging a fifth of whiskey!- this is a horrible program that really has no shot of being good. While the same could have been said about the Dukes a few years back, they are a charter member with a storied history and are now on the rise.

2), 3), and 4) Charlotte, Richmond, and St. Louis....The Blue Collar Comedy Friends- They really seem out of place in the league. Not that they are bad programs, far from it, but the A-10 is the bye product of the EASTERN 8 (what a great league btw). These Budweiser drinking, NASCAR watching buddies really don't fit the Atlantic-10 school build. Plus I believe that with ten teams, you could play everyone twice which would heat up the rivalries and be good for the league.

Q: Make a prediction. Dayton is 1-1 in the A-10, with a big loss to UMass, and a disturbingly close win over Fordham. The Dukes enter Saturday first in the conference, but those wins have come against the bottom of the league. Who wins? Give me the score and the game's MVP.

A: I like the Dukes to split with Dayton this year. My basketball knowledge warns me against picking Dayton to lose at home, but the Dukes have won there in the past (sorry if that stung a little)! I like the Flyers on Saturday. AJAX is a little banged up and while the Dukes are playing at a high level, I just think they are due for a down performance. I also think that the Flyers will be fired up to avenge last years upset and their experience will ultimately be too much for the youngest team in the nation to handle! Looking forward to the game, but think Dayton takes the Dukes by ten on Saturday. Love my Dukes coming back to Dayton on the final game of the year! Hopefully they won't damage Dayton's tourney hopes two years straight.

Encouraging signs!... Littlefield attends Dukes winner!

- The good news: The Dukes win over Charlotte (picked third in A-10 preseason poll) was not only exciting but greatly encouraging in this burgeoning A-10 season. The Dukes were able to successfully break a 2-3 zone against a team whose biggest strength is its frontcourt. Without a doubt this was their best win of the year and the first time they have been able to stand tall against a team with such a vast size advantage. Brutally physical play by Damian Saunders (future A-10 player of the year) and Bill Clark (future gas attendant at Sunoco in Redondo Beach, Ca) allowed the Dukes to beat UNCC for only the second time in school history, the first coming in the NIT tourney of 1994! AJAX's 30 points also helped a little.

- The Bad News: The Dukes were AWFUL from the free throw line (shot 58% compared to Charlottes 91%). That will bite the Dukes square in the ass down the road. It also seemed like Eric Evans and Melquan Bolding...now known as Arnold and Willis (watch you talking about willis!)... took a step back from the progress they have been making in their respective freshman years. Lots of turnovers, lapses on defense, poor decisions, and lots of missed wide-open looks plagued both of the Dukes' top newcomers. On a side note, Bolding's alley oop- And 1- stuff was just sick. On another side note, if Eric Evans is Arnold and Melquan Bolding is Willis, does that make Ron Everhart Mr. Drummond or Mrs. Garret?

- After being assaulted by a parking lot after the game- hit square in the head by an automated parking arm- I saw former Pirates G.M. David Littlefield getting into his car after the game. Well, well, well Mr. Littlefield. Do you miss the 33% of capacity crowds? Or is it the decades long streak of no post-season play? Do the 90 degree temps of the Palumbo Center remind you of those warm summer days of losing games at PNC Park? Were you trying to convince Duquesne to sign you on as a front office guru? I have got it! You are spear heading the Dukes new marketing campaign, "We Will."

"We will...have fat cheerleaders," "We will...go 12-4 only to lose the next 10 straight games," "We will...help people lose weight by turning up the heat at the Palumbo to 108, "We will...help our coach land a job with a bigger program," "We will...not let bluff divers sit courtside for the games," "We will...play David Theis as much as possible," We will...treat our season ticket holders poorly," "We will...never beat Pitt or West Virginia," "We will...let FUCKING JARAD SADOWSKI play point guard."

Hey its....its better than 60% of the time we work hard everytime!

- CONGRATS PITT! It is great for the program, team, city and...eh hem...fans of Pitt that their...eh hem...beloved panthers are unanimously the number one team in the country. I recently was questioned on how I could not cheer for Pitt to win the national title. I simply responded that I am an actual fan of my basketball team. I attended games and cheered for my team for most of my life when they were fricking horrible! Through Satalin (big east head of officials), Carrol, Edgar, Porter, and Nee. Through 3-25. Through Niksa Tarle, and Kevin Shand, and Jack May. Bottom line is, I love the Dukes and therefore I hate Pitt and will always hate Pitt. Go Choke on Your Number One Ranking ...eh hem.... Panther Fans!

Cheering for a sports teams is like a marriage, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health. And while "forever and ever doesn't mean it anymore," I stick to my guns and root for the Dukes and whoever is playing Pitt. And while Pitt has dominated Duquesne my entire life, THEY ARE CROSSTOWN RIVALS!, and I will alway hate them. When Pitt was Shitt (not too long ago by the way) most of their...eh hem... fans were cheering for other teams, like Indiana or Kentucky, and not attending games at perhaps the worst venue in all of sports history, the Fieldhouse. With your cushy new venue and winning teams, and while playing in the...eh hem...powerhouse Big East, you still don't sell out your building.

At the same time Pitt was Shitt (and when Pitt was the shit too!), I was going to every Dukes game with Pops and sitting and waiting (and suffering) for the day the Dukes would return to the glory they had in his college days. While those days may never come, it will be pure sweet revenge on all you bandwagon Pitt fans if they do! It will also be pure sweet happiness for this TRUE FAN OF THE DUKES! Its worth the ride either way.

HERE IS HOPING PITT BECOMES THE FIRST NUMBER ONE TOURNEY SEED TO LOSE TO A SIXTEEN! OR BETTER YET, MAYBE A TWO OR THREE SEED THAT LOSES TO THE DUKES AFTER THEY WIN THE A-10 TOURNEY!!!! I REMIND YOU...EH HEM... PITT FANS THAT ALL GLORY IS FLEETING!

Twas the Night Before A BluffDivers Christmas

'Twas the night before Chrsitmas, and all nestled in.
Young Thorton was stirring a martini with gin;
The pizza was left for Santa with cheer,
And a Genesse Cream Ale, for a certain reindeer!

The children were wrestling thoughts in their heads,
Will it be electric toothbrushes, or tube socks instead?
And moms in her nighty, and pops' breath of pine;
were mixing both beer, bad gin, and cheap wine!

When out on the front porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the kitchen to see what was the matter.
Was it a vixen wearing panties sans crotch?
It was the local priest who'd drunk too much scotch!

Away to bed I flew like a flash,
Knowing these rupes was like having a rash;
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Predicted tomorrow was sure to blow!

The morning arrived and what to my eyes did appear,
Huge gifts by the tree to surprise us with cheer.
With a little luck, and by gods grace to thee,
A computer? Big Screen? Or (Gasp) Cable TV?

I knew in a minute like timing an egg,
Pops' terrycloth robe and thin chicken legs
As they downed the stairs with speed not too swift
A Christmas miracle, they actually bought us GOOD GIFTS!!!

"Now Iliya, Now Thorton, Now Poohead, please see
That I get the paper and a black decaf coffee"
To the landing bathroom i must adhere
To a large dookee before any gifts this year!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
The sound of the flush came waffling by
As we sat under the piano we finally knew
They had made up for years of gifts that blew.

And then in a twinkling I heard living proof,
That pops j-noff was surely a goof!
As we sat by the fire with our hopes still around
Down with our dreams came a resounding sound

"Sons, with much due dillegence and with our great trust
We decided to make this Christmas...The Reading Christmas"
They surely were joking, this couldn't be true
We would open the boxes and wouldn't be blue!

We tore through the first box and with great disdain
Opened the complete hardback works of one Mark Twain.
The second box was opened with hope of the multimedia,
Nope! 40 volumes of Schmittanicca, the Amway Encyclopedia!

So bad was this gift on principle alone.
It made me want to leave and never come home.
The bad gifts continued to haunt poor Thortie
This encylcopedia was produced in early 1940!

Not only did this cause great stress and much strife!
It pretty much messed with a ten year old's life.
"What's wrong with the kids?" Cousin Dave quipped.
"These goddam brats, didn't like their gifts!"

"What did you get them, Uncle Nick, I might ask?"
"A nice set of encylopedia's." "Man, your an ass!"
And giving a nod, the glass he rose,
To torment his liver and blossom his nose!

But I still exclaim, and maybe I am right.
Happy Reading Christmas to All, And To All A Good Night!

Why No Response? My letter to athletic director Greg Amodio.

I can't believe he didn't respond to this

March 17, 2008

Mr. Greg Amodio
Director of Athletics
Duquesne University
Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Mr. Amodio.

Greetings! My name is [Thorton Mellon] and I am an avid supporter of Duquesne University Basketball. I am a third generation alumnus (Marketing and Sports Marketing '02, Magna Cum Laude) and a former Duquesne University Basketball ball boy (88-94). I currently share season tickets with my father (Bus '56), who is a Duquesne University faculty member and has been a season ticket holder for over thirty years. I am also the editor-in-chief of a satirical, informative, and wildly popular Duquesne Basketball sports blog known as http://www.bluffdivers.com/. In addition, I have professional experience in marketing, broadcasting, advertising, and sales with two separate Major League Baseball organziations.

We at "BluffDivers" would all like to extend our congratulations and thanks for this season's continued improvement and success. I speak for literally hundreds of my website's followers when I say it feels great to cheer on competitive basketball games being played at the Palumbo!!! We all appreciate the solid job that you and Coach Everhart have done. Hopefully this improvement will continue and we will one day be able to take our loyal legion of BluffDivers on the road to watch the Dukes in the NCAA tourney!!! That being said, we have come up with a list of suggestions that will take the Duquesne University hoops experience to the next level. I ask that you explore these suggestions with an open mind. The list is in no particular order:


1) Increase the athletic apparel options. The Dukes have a great new logo and we would love to support our alma mater by purchasing some new gear! Our choices, and access to purchase these choices, remain very limited compared to other top Atlantic Ten programs.
2) Bring the bleachers back down to the floor. The relatively new hardwood may limit this, but the closer the fans are to the players and the floor the better.
3) Have a cheering squad that better represents the spirit of college athletics and athleticisim. While we support the hard work that all of the members of the cheering squad put forth, the image of Duquesne that some participants portray is substantially less than that of health and fitness. Some members are honestly an embarassment to the school and program. I know we need bases for the pyramids, but at what cost to the the university's image? Let alone twinkie supply.
4) Play more family and sports oriented music at the games. This does not intend to bash the pep band, which we feel does a very commendable job. In fact the more pep band the better. Yet the rap music blasted through the PA and sound system at schrill volumes and pitch levels does not make for a festive game time atmosphere and quite frankly is abrasive and offensive to many. More jock jams, less Young Joc please.
5) Continue to increase the participation of local high schools, grade schools, and charities. There are lots of empty seats at the Palumbo that could be sold at substantial discounts to students or used in fundraising efforts by local schools and youth organizaitons.
6) TURN DOWN THE HEAT IN THE PALUMBO. It is a veritable sweat box in the place and has been for years. The temperature is legitamately stifling and it directly decreases the energy level of the crowd. We honestly wear t-shirts and shorts in the dead of winter to Dukes games because of the Palumbo's sauna-like ambience.
7) Involve students who live off campus. Many students live in the South Side, as I did when I attended Duquesne. Running a pre- and post-game shuttle would be a great service to upper classmen and of-age students who wish to responsibly consume adult beverages before Dukes games. It would also promote more of a "big game" atmosphere. When I was in school we had a "happy bus" that ran between South Side, Oakland, and campus on the weekends. The Palumbo needs to be a "happier" place.
8) Spruce up the Palumbo's interior (paint and stain) and remove the large black curtain to expose the brick (if possible). The black curtain just seems out of place and the building's maintenance seems dingy at times.
9) Bring back the halftime Dukes Court reception. I looked forward to this every game with my father when it was still operational. I would gladly donate to the Dukes Court if they brought this back as would many of my fellow alumni and almost all of the followers of http://www.bluffdivers.com/. I personally think this is a great tool to solicite donations and alumni giving. We were very dissappointed with the athletic department when this was discontinued.
10) Have a season ticket holder function and meet and greet before and after the season as a way to give back to your small, but loyal, hardcore Dukes fans.

I appreciate your time and consideration for all the above suggestions and welcome you to contact me personally to discuss any of the the aforementioned ideas. Thank you and we at BluffDivers wish you, Coach Everhart, the team, and the program succes for many years to come. Let's Go Dukes!

Yours Truly,

[Thorton Mellon]

Bluff Divers Hit the Road....And Realize Pitt Sucks.

-Taking the Red-Eye from Vegas to see our Dukes take on the much-hated Duke Blue Devils (then #9) was truly a great experience. A big thanks to the insider that hooked us up with tickets. You are now a lifetime Bluff Diver!

-Cameron indoor was amazing. The fans were friendly, knowledgeable, (the Duke fans sitting behind us knew more about the Dukes than most Dukes fans...that sounds a little confusing I know), and although the Dukes got smushed on national t.v. is was for lack of a better word "good times." Big shout out to Greg Immodium A.D., who doesn't return my letters, for getting our Ducks on national t.v. on a day where every high school prospect in the country does not have school.

-Also "good times" were the ugly hotel bartendar seeking a double team from the Road Bluff Divers because we were from the north, the amount of booze consumed on no sleep, quoting a UNC co-ed "we were just talking about how bad you suck," and having a cab stop at Wendy's and Rick Shaw walking through the drive through.

-Playing one of the toughest early schedules in the country, Bluff Divers then traveled to the Pitt's of hell, Oakland, PA. The Dukes took on a certain group of criminals who no doubt will end up in jail shortly after not graduating (taser) and are masquerading themselves as a good basketball team. At least one that will make it past the second round of the NCAA tournament. Wait a minute, some of these kids should be in jail now. Wait a minute, I think Sam Young is 29 years old so I shouldn't call them kids. And while the Dukes got smushed again, I have determined that the Pitt program, their fans, and their team all suck a big fat one! And here's why:

1) You are the number three team in the country and don't sell out your building when school is in session. If I were a Pitt fan (just threw up a little), I would be most embarassed about this.

2) You have the least knowledgable fans in the country. Pitiful how little you know about basketball...There was basketball played in this city prior to the Vonteego Cummings era! Or for those super fans, prior to the Jerome Lane and Charles Smith era of underachievers.

3) You have played one quality opponent on the ROAD in the last ten years (Duke at MSG does not count!) and Dayton, a team hosed by the NCAA tourney committee, bit the piss out of you last year. Wait a minute, Dayton plays in the A-10. This is why you need to stop whining about your seed in the tourney.

4) You stink in the NCAA tournament. When will teams realize that winning the Big Least tournaments MEANS NOTHING if you can't get out of the second round.

5) You sold your football soul out for your basketball program

6) You sold the city's soul out when you refused to work with the Penguins on a new arena.

7) Other than your medical and dental school, you are one step above CCAC and the vast majority of your students can't spell.

8) For the first time in 28 years of my life, Dukes season ticket holders could not buy tickets to the away Pitt vs. Duquesne game (I have refused to call this the City Game ever since Dan Cortese "hosted" the game at the arena circa '94)....This makes me wonder if Pitt might be a little nervous the red-headed stepchild Dukes program isn't catching up a little bit.

9) You play in the worlds most overrated sports entity, the Big East Conference.

10) YOU JUST PLAIN SUCK PITT!

All-Star Game '08- I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Are you serious with this crap?

Joe Buck just said "Let's hope the game can live up to what we just saw on the field." If what happens during the game is anything like what I just saw, I am turning it off and going to rent The Notebook. I will then watch it nine straight times while sticking sharp metal objects up my rear (which will be only done so I can stomach the worst movie of all time).

Let's See. Where do I start?

Seeing Wade Boggs in a Yankee cap standing next to Gay-Rod (homo juicer) just makes me want to puke. I hate you Wade. Go eat some chicken. 11 of your best 18 years (except for '92) were spent as a Sox until you took less money (after hitting .259 in '92) to sell your soul to to the devil. You were inducted into the Hall of Fame for what you did in Boston not NYC jagoff. You went in as a Red Sox, wear the right cap! ehhh. (FYI Dave Winfield and Gary Carter sported two hats... idiot!)

I just saw George Steinbrenner, one of the biggest assholes in professional sports history, get carted on to the field like he was some great baseball hero to throw out the first pitch (a fellow bluff diver confirmed that he greeted Reggie Jackson with a racial epithet btw). This whole thing is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham... to say the least.

Steinbrenner. WHATTT? The owner?? This owner? I thought this game was supposed to be about players, heroes, memories, etc. Complete bull shit.

Anyone remember in '99 when they carted Teddy Ballgame out to throw the first pitch at Fenway and everybody knew that it would be the last time the greatest hitter of all time (don't even try to argue that one!) would walk on to the true hallowed grounds of Fenway Park? I shed a tear that night. I just heaved my remote against the wall tonight. Leave it to the TRUE EVIL EMPIRE to fudge up the mid-summer classic (like Bud Selig already hasn't done that enough).

If anyone is keeping score at home... Ted Williams: .344 ba, .482 obp-wow, 521 hr, .634 slg, 525 2b, 1839 rbi, 2654 h, 709 career strikeouts (mind boggling for a power hitter at 1 so per every 3.33 games). Did I mention he missed 5 full seasons killing japs and koreans and keeping this country free? Did I mention he hit in one of the worst parks in major league history for pull hitting lefties? Did I mention he played the majority of his career after the color barrier had been broken and before the mound was lowered (1969)? Did I mention the "shift" was invented because of Ted Williams? Again, don't try to argue this one (that means you twinkie!). If he played at "Yankee Stadium" and stayed stateside during WWII and Korea he would have hit at least 800 home runs. Oh yeah, forgot to mention .406!

If anyone else is keeping score at home, YANKEE STADIUM WAS REBUILT ALMOST FROM SCRATCH IN 1974-75! This "renovation" cost $160 million, or about twice as much as what PNC Park cost to build in today's prices. It took two full seasons to "renovate" and the Yankees played in Shea. The Yankees are closing Yankee Stadium II to increase revenue streams that already are number one in the league by a wide margin. Greed chasing more greed. Would you please stop acting like this is some big deal? The stadium is 32 fricking years old. 32 fricking years old!!! Ridiculous. Just Ridiculous.

Anyone remember that the Indians wanted Xavier Nady for Cliff Lee? Wonder if they would take that deal now? That non-move may prove to be almost as bad as passing on Jason Christiansen for Andruw Jones, straight up, in Jones' rookie year. I just threw up in my mouth a little again.

They just showed a clip from 1956. Guess what, that game was played in a stadium that was torn down in 1974!

Why don't they show clips of the biggest CHOKE IN PLAYOFF HISTORY in 2004?

I can't believe we have five more years left on the Fox MLB contract. If I could pick a time period to go def for about five years, now would be that time.

This sucks. MicCarver Sucks (my new spelling). Buck Sucks. Fox Sucks. Yankees Suck. Jeter Sucks. O'Neil sucks. AROD swallows.

MicCarver just said Ichiro is "hands down" the best right fielder since Clemente. Hands Down Timmy? While Ichiro is sweet, I wonder what Reggie Jackson, Tony Gwynn, Dave Winfield, Dave Parker, Andre Dawson, Dwight Evans, Lary Walker, Rusty Staub (Le Grande Orange), MY BOY Harold Baines, and Joe Carter would have to say about that... asshole?

F' it. I am turning this off and going to watch the I am going to watch The Notebook.

Why Interleague Play Sucks and How BluffDivers Plans to Save Baseball!

- Interleague play is the brain child that Alan "Bud" Selig views as his crowing achievement. (Gee, I thought it would be juiced up freaks-brian giles-shooting monkey testosterone up each others butts post locker room shenanigan's for 10 years). It is hands down the worst thing that has ever happened to baseball (other than the Pirates red jerseys and having playgrounds at these new retro parks). Here's why interleague blows: It sort of ruined the world series and definitely ruined the all-star game, it is unfair to teams with and without "natural rivals," its screws up the schedule, it messes with pennant races, it puts American League pitchers in risk of being injured (you try swinging a bat and running the bases after not doing it for 4 months), and last but not least it makes deadline deal cross-league trades less sexy.

- Allow me to bitch a little. Remember 2003? The Aaron Boone game? The worst managed game in baseball history (thanks Grady Little). What people don't know is that game would have been played at Fenway Park had it not been for interleague. The Red Sox had the best record by 3 games over the Yankees against the AMERICAN LEAGUE. All that means was that they were the best team in their league, division, and probably baseball, and should have had home field advantage in the playoffs. They would have had the final say at the plate that game. Enter Bud Selig. Interleague play gave the Sox series against the stalwart Braves and gave the Yankees the "subway series" against the lowly Mets. Two questions remain: 1) How in the superbeing's name are the Braves the Red Sox natural rival? (eh hem they already have one of those Bud and the Braves stopped playing in baseball in Boston when Pops was in high school....a long time ago for those of you that don't know) and 2) When will this all end? The leagues should be separate! They should have separate presidents (Bud eliminated those too)! They already have separate rules, styles of play, ball parks, players, etc. Keep it that way.

- On a side note: Man do playgrounds at ball parks jack me off. I might have the worst case of ADHD ever diagnosed but when I was a kid I couldn't wait to just go to the ballpark and take in the sights and sounds of the greatest sport, game, activity, pastime, and social institution this world has ever known. If you want your kids to go to the playground take them to the fricking playground. Go to the ballpark if you want to teach your child our national treasure, and most importantly, provide him or her with memories that will last a lifetime.

That being said if I were commissioner of MLB heres how I save baseball:

1) Get rid of Interleague Play, immediately. Issue official apologies to everyone that had to suffer through Pirates vs Royals and to those fans whose teams got screwed by Interleague. Looks like I get two apologies, Bud!
2) Shorten the season to 154 games, then play the wild card series on what would have been the last week of the season. This will make the playoff races and regular season more intense and will allow the World Series to end before Christmas.
3) Play playoff day games. Even if maybe only on weekends (including Friday). For those of you that remember them, nothing beats 'em. If they are worried about losing advertising dollars they shouldn't. Imagine the good PR that a company would received if they said "Bluff Divers, bringing day baseball back to America because we love America and America loves day baseball! Game 3 up next from PNC PARK. Catch an all new Maury following the game!
4) Limit the number of bobblehead promotions to 3 per team and force the person whose likeness is being used to have appeared in at least one all-star game and/or have one post-season award and/or have lead the league in one positive category (Sorry Ronny Paulino, your record for hot dogs and nachos consumed during an innning break does not qualify).
5) Force people who buy tickets to bobblehead games either: a) prove they attend at least 10 non-bobblehead games within the last or current season or b) buy tickets to 5 tuesday night games and c) keep score of the game in progress. The same could be said about Fireworks nights.
6) Require all teams to release unsold seats one half hour prior to game time for $5 with a valid or quasi valid student id. Including seats in the club level and home plate area!
7) Get rid of all playgrounds and secondary mascots.
8) Allow select fans to tarp slide during rain delays (I have tarp slid on multiple occasions...its quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done and would be an awesome promotion).
9) BRING BACK BULL PEN CARTS!
10) TAKE TIM MCCARVER AND JOE BUCK AND SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!!! (please also slowly torture Greg Brown). Scratch that, please slowly torture those idiots too!
11) Require all teams to show either Field of Dreams, Natural, Bull Durham or "Enriquo Palaco" clips at all games.