Things in Sports that I Find Retarded! Part 1

THINGS IN SPORTS THAT I FIND RETARDED!

by Thorton Mellon.

1) The Gatorade Bath. Enough already with this crap. I think I will push for a gatorade bath for Ron Everhart if the Dukes cover the spread against Fordham Sunday. This should have gone by the waste side with many other things from the 80's, like Zubaz and The Human League. Its not even fricking Gatorade. Maybe they should work up to the bath. Like win a big game gets the RC cola bath. Clinch the division, Vitamin Water bath. Or crappy baths for poor performance... Lose the AFC Championship, Starbuck coffee bath. Lose the super bowl, Lime Jello Bath. Retarded.

2) The MLB Network. I love baseball more than anything, but Bud and his boys shit the bed with this one. How many times can you see a replay of the Phillies/Devil Rays World Series? Seriously, you own video rights to every Major League game/documentary/old school home run derbies-which were player vs. player- and you choose to show the magical season of the 2001 Seattle Mariners on a daily basis. Eghhhhhh! Retarded.

3) Frank Caliendo. This guy was great for about 1 season of mad t.v. in 2002, yet he is on t.v. more than Roadhouse and Home Improvement combined. Do we need to see a bad impersonation every fricking week...nay every hour on the hour? What do you have to do with sports except for your Madden impersonation? If this rupe is under contract, I think they should shoot the bastard and/or just make him do really demeaning stuff until he shoots himself...like slip-in-sliding into a pool of spoiled milk. Retarded.

4) Hockey Fans (mainly Pittsburgh hockey fans). Man are you double retarded! Have you ever played hockey? That two weeks in gym in middle school with the plastic sticks don't count you idiot. There are forty thousand games and half the teams make the playoffs, you don't need the fricking game on every t.v. at the bar! Face it, you are secretly racist. All the players are white, the surface is white, they play "Cotton-eyed Joe" and Journey at the games, the players still have mullets and many wear Zubaz, and your games are played nationally on the poor man's CMT station. Oh yeah, much like the NFL, you can have minimal athletic skill and just be a big, dumb, slow fighter and still make the league. Retarded.

5) Women's basketball highlights and games on ESPN. Honestly! Honestly! I am sick and tired of this sport being rammed down my throat. I remember a day when I didn't have to look at highlights of missed layups and turnovers in a 42-15 game. Well, except when Pitt plays St. Johns. Enough already. No one cares. Your network exists because of beer drinkers, gamblers, sports nerds, and fans of mens sports. Cater to them and get this dribble off the air. Until the players are hot, wearing skimpy outfits, and aren't bull dike lesbos, than this sport will never have any entertainment value to any heterosexual, sports loving male. Women have the Lifetime Network, put the damn highlights and games on it!!! Retarded.

Dukes Blow Game! Refs Blow Call! Dukes Fans Just Blow?

- After droping a game by nine to Dayton at home, the Dukes made the turnpike trip to Philly to play the St. Joe's Lunardi's (I hate that weisel bastard who spent the whole broadcast talking about his high school basketball coach, his kids PTA meeting, and that Nevins was going to score 30...like that was a tough one to predict asshole) . After needing a 22-4 second half run to be in the the game, the Dukes took a 7 point lead with a 1:22 left in regulation and pissed it away like a drunk at the bar. These are the very moment wen the beloved Dukes turn into...you guessed it...the Same Old Ducks. This overtime loss was helped by the fact that they can't inbound the freaking basketball...ever. Seriously, they have to be the worst inbounding team in basketball. Free throws down the stretch also proved to be an achilles heel! WHY CAN'T THEY EVER FREAKING GET OVER THE HUMP! I will say that it was encouraging to see the Ducks running screens for...and I begrudgingly say this...their best shooter in Jason Duty- who had a career high twenty.

-That being said, the Dukes CLEARLY GOT HOSED by the A10 officials. No matter what anyone says, the A10 needs St. Joe's to do well to get into the tourney and they realize that the Dukes tourney chances are slim. The last second tip in was waved off by two officials then, after minutes of deliberation, the game winning hoop was awarded to St. Joe's. There apparently was no video replay to look at-although somehow I was able to watch (and record) this game live on my computer. Complete Bull Shit! Please tell me how you go end to end, launch a shot, miss two tip ins, and then tip in a third bucket in under 8 seconds and I'll tell you about my three testicles and 27 inch penis! This was clearly a snow job by the A10 who needs its poster teams (Xavier, St. Joes, Umass) to win as many games as they can.

-In this pseudo-Dukes basketball renaissance, it still seems that that the Dukes go in the shitter whenever they start to spark some fan interest. After the Dayton game AJAX basically said we need to win one of these big conference games at home so that they can start drawing some crowds. Brian Gregory, Dayton head coach and future Just For Men spokesperson, was quoted after a game as saying that "It's a shame that attendance hasn't been better here. This place could be a good home-court advantage." While that was certainly a back-ended complement, it was spot on. Think about it! Crowd right on top of you, the stifling heat of the Palumbo, spell-bounding cheerleaders (you look at car wrecks on the highway don't you), a run-and-gun team. But why haven't the fans come out to support the Dukes. Well, Bluff Divers will tell you why:

1) A million years of losing. The biggest culprit to blame in all of this is Duquesne. For years they had a horrible product, horrible game atmosphere, and horrible everything.

2) Student body. Most of the student body lives in the South Side or Mt. Washington. When its 8 degrees and you can walk down the street and get $.25 wings and $1 yuenglings on Wednesday nights at Barry's (gratuitous plug) or go see a heartbreaking loss, I'd choose wings and beer as well.

3) People are too skeptical to drink the Dukes Kool-Aid. They don't want to buy into the Dukes because at any moment people-including myself- believe they will implode.

4) HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE local media coverage. There are more sports teams in this town than the Steelers, Penguins, and Pitt Panthers. The fact that Penn State and WVU get billing over the Dukes is just fricking ridiculous. The post-gazette and local news station clearly are run by the socialist/liberal assholes that own this town and want you to go to, and support, state schools. The trib is the best but still not good. Fact of the matter is a school who plays in a major conference with an enrollment of 14,000 and many prominent local alumni deserves better coverage.

5) Up until last year, zero marketing effort by the Dukes

6) The success of Pitt basketball. This is understandble. Yet I would rather watch a team that runs up and down the floor and actually attempts to score points than watch whatever rugby game they play over in Oakland. Even Joe Lunardi-idiot-said that the Dukes are the most exciting team to watch in the A10, if not one of the most exciting teams in all of college basketball.

The Dukes are a very fun team to watch, who play in a competitive league, but need to get over the hump. A two game road winning streak would have gone a long way to help. A run to the tourney would get everyone on the bandwagon. Well, at least I can dream!

My Interview With The Enemy!

Bill Clark, fresh off of committing a bad foul, looks to miss a wide open three!




For your reading pleasure, and living proof that Bluff Divers IS a wildly popular sports blog, and because I am a lazy Bulgarian Blogger....posted is my interview with Tom Blackburn. Tom is editor-in-chief of Dayton's premier fan website slash/blogg...the blackburn review. I highly suggest you check it out as is highly informative and entertaining to boot!(http://www.blackburnreview.blogspot.com/)....

A Interrogatory with: Duquesne
by Tom Blackburn

I had the sincere pleasure of exchanging dreams and fears with Thorton Mellon of the Duquesne blog, Bluff Divers. Mr. Mellon was courteous enough to share his thoughts on the upcoming tilt with Dayton. He explained why Dayton must stop Aaron Jackson, detailed Ron Everhart's affliation with the KGB, decided which four A-10 teams deserve to meet their timely demise, and states which former Flyer he hated the least. You can read the results below, or simply turn your head away and pretend the truth isn't right in front of your face. I can't decide for you.


Q: This game scares the hell out of me. Duquesne plays a style that can quickly take you out of your comfort zone. If Dayton loses this one, I'm not sure the world makes sense anymore. I felt like last year's loss to the Dukes put the final nail in Dayton's coffin, and a defeat Saturday could send this Flyer team into a deep shame spiral. Put yourself in Brian Gregory's size 6 shoes for a moment. What are the keys to beating the Dukes?

A: Let me just say two things about last season first my friend. (A) The Flyers got hosed in not getting a bid to the NCAA tournament. When they lost that game to the Dukes, the Dukes RPI was in the sixties if I recall so it really wasn't a "bad loss." I would have loved to see Brian Roberts in the tourney for sure. (B) Dayton crushing the massively overrated Pitt Panthers last year was one of the season's highlights. It was the first really good opponent Shitt has gone on the road to play in the Howland/Dixon era and they got their butts handed to them. It just astonishes me that local fans can't understand why Shitt gets lower seeds in the tournament and always are an "early out." It went a long way to prove my point that Pitt and the Big East are good....but not that good!

The formula for beating the Dukes this year seems to be quite simple: Pound the ball inside, play an extended 2-3 zone, and don't try to run with the Dukes. The Dukes glaring weakness this season is their size and strength. Damian Saunders at 6-7 is playing out of position at center, and there is really nothing else there. If he gets in foul trouble the game will be a laugher and the Dukes will be completely dominated on the glass. The bad news for all of us BluffDivers is that there is no help on the way until next season, when 6'10 Kentucky transfer Mike (shortened) Williams will be eligible and Brazilian stud Rod Peggau is healthy. Except against Duke, in all of their losses (Pitt, WVU, and Old Dominion) they have been taken out of their game by stifling zone defenses and a slow paced tempo. They have struggled at times to move the ball and find shots against a 2-3 and this forces this very young team into a lot turnovers. That being said, teams cannot play man against the Dukes because they typically are as athletic or more athletic one-on-one at every position. Aaron Jackson and freshman guard Eric "whatch you taking about Willis" Evans can create shots or scoring opportunities almost at will. Against Bowling Green and last night against George Washington, the Dukes staged massive comebacks because both teams went man for some ungodly reason. Ajax actually was quoted after BG saying that he "couldn't believe they went man."

Q: Ron Everhart looks like a former KGB agent. He has that steely stare and body language that indicates he has snapped a neck or two in his day. His mindset is to attack and let God sort 'em out. Last year, Everhart led the Dukes to their first winning season in 14 years. Duquesne was ranked in the top ten nationally in blocked shots, assists, scoring, and steals. What do you attribute this success to? Given their start this year, it must be more than a gimmicky offense. Hit me with it slowly, I'm taking notes.

A: The biggest complement you can pay to Everhart (his real KGB name is Everhartovich btw) is that his teams have always played extremely hard and that he typically gets the most out of his players. He really changed the attitude of the program from day one and he demands that his players will give 100% at all times-which is why walk-ons like Jason Duty see so many minutes. This is also why he basically gave A-10 rookie of the year Robert Mitchell a kick in the bum on his way out the door to Seton Hall, and really was not upset when Kojo Mensah and Shaun James left after one year.

When he first arrived on the Bluff, he cleaned house of all the slunk meat garbage the Dukes had on their roster and with the help of Bill Barton, and Kim Lewis (assistant coaches), the Dukes have really started to recruit better talent. AJAX and Keiron Archara were the only players to hold over from the Danny Nee era. Everhart also plays a very fun style of hoops: pressing defense, wide open offense, and lots of minutes are easy recruiting tools for those slasher type players who grew up on the black top. The Dukes, when playing well, are fun to watch and score a lot of points, which helps them recruit on a national level. A 2.5 to 1 female to male student body ratio also helps. I saw on your site that the Dukes remind you a little of those Kentucky teams under Pitino. Spot on, as Everhart and Pitino are good friends. Pitino recommended him for the Dukes job and is quoted in our media guide. Pitino's son was on our staff until this year.

Q: Which Dayton player, past or present, would you have like to have seen in a Dukes uniform? On the flip side, was there a UD player that you hated with fiery passion? Please show your work.

A: Without a doubt Brian Roberts would have looked great in the Blue and Red....wait a minute....well, our blue and red for that matter. He was not only a great player who would have fit in well in Everhart's system, but seemed like a class act as well. A backcourt last year with Jackson and Roberts would have been almost unstoppable and would have taken the Dukes to the tourney for sure.

As far as a Dayton player I have hated, or currently hate, I really have no answer. When you are so bad for so long and have absolutely no shot of beating teams like Dayton, it really makes you numb to disliking other A-10 teams and their players. As the Dukes get better, I am hopeful that A-10 rivalries will start to develop and therefore garner some ill will...but basically when you average single digit wins for five plus years, your loins are pretty devoid of passionate hatred (except for the Pitt Panthers, Duke Blue Devils, and New York Yankees, of course! ). Its been so bad, I have actually loathed many Duquesne players and coaches for being so awful. Being an avid Dukes fan for most of my 28 years has really been a sadistic and masochistic affair! So, to not answer your question, I do wholeheartedly cheer for all A-10 teams to do well so that the conference garners some much lacking respect. Phil Martelli can go make sweet love to a sheep, but I won't get started on that. Oh yeah, at Bluffdivers we use cliff notes and don't show our work!

I will say this much, wait till you guys play UNCC. Thay have a point guard Ian Anderson (#11) who blows a kiss in the air after every made shot. Apparently he is a newlywed and its for his wife, which makes it just that much more gay. Its ridiculous. I think you play them on the road this year but if you stream on your computer or if its on t.v., you will want to drive to Charlotte and punch him in the nads.

Q: Aaron Jackson--Ajax to the ladies, Mr. Jackson to his enemies, is a freakish athlete. Put him in Pizza Hut and he is making the most pies, put him on Iron Chef and he is going to embarrass Morimoto with his work on the wok. As a keen follower of the A-10, I certainly don't think he gets the recognition he deserves. AJ has shifted to point guard this year, what's your take? You likey, you no likey?

A: All things run through AJAX on this Dukes team, which is a very good thing as long as he stays healthy. Jackson has been splitting time at the point with freshman Eric Evans and Jason "he could marry my daughter" Duty, but in critical moments the ball is in AJAX hand. He is without a doubt the team leader and almost like a second coach on the floor. It is astonishing that he was not voted to one A-10 preseason team! Love the ball in his hands and his ability to drive to the lane and finish. His touch around the basket is unparalleled in the A-10 for a guard. His line drive jump shot leads him to be streaky at times, but as he goes the team goes and he always seems to be the brightest star at the biggest moments. He had two critical steals, an assist, and hit a huge three in [wednesday] night's comeback against GW (who shot 80% from three point land btw) after a fairly vanilla overall performance. He is a very, very underrated defensive player who, because of his athleticism, can match up against smaller true point guards and power forwards as well.

Q: Hypothetical time. Marcus Johnson is guarding Aaron Jackson so tight that not only can he tell what flavor bubble gum AJ is chewing, Marcus somehow ends up with it in his mouth at the end of the game. Jackson is Lehman Brothers, non-existent. Who steps up for the Dukes and makes up for Jackson's off night?

A: No need for the hypothetical, it happened [wednesday] night against GW and really worked in the Dukes favor. Jackson and Saunders were asleep for about thirty minutes of the game and were neutralized defensively by a surprisingly athletic GW team. Bill Clark-my current arch nemesis-was in foul trouble the whole game (side note: If they kept stats on bad fouls and/or charges per game he would undoubtedly be number one in the nation!) and was on the pine for most of the second half. Melquan "Willis" Boldin, who initially committed to Louisville and is the Dukes first ever top 150 recruit, stepped up with a career high 26 points. Defensive lapses aside, he has progressed nicely and will be a candidate for A-10 rookie of the year when its all said and done. He has a nose for the basket, can jump out of the gym, and he really wants the ball in his hands. Fellow freshman Eric "whatch you takin about Willis" Evans ran point for the entire second half as Jackson moved into Clark's small forward spot and Duty had an off night on both ends of the floor. He sank seven of eight foul shots, an Achilles heel for the Dukes, down the stretch to ice the victory.

Q: That bubble gum reference is of course from the movie Hoosiers. (Little known fact: in the original script, Chitwood misses the final shot and ends up committing suicide on Coach Dale's front lawn.) Let's say I host a round-robin tournament in my studio apartment. We got Hickory High lead by Jimmy Chitwood, Western University coached by the legend, Pete Bell, the five teenaged heroin addicts from the Basketball Diaries, and the Beacon Town Beavers led by a werewolf. Who wins the tourney?

A: As long as Happy Kikendorf doesn't fix the game and Tony passes T.V., Pete Bell takes this round-robin in a land slide. Being of Bulgarian heritage, I am now obligated to quote my favorite line from any sports movie ever and something I have always wanted to hear at a Dukes post-game press conference...

Happy Kikendorf: "Stick a fork in the creep! Because he's done! He's dead meat! You're finished! You will never coach in America again, you got that?! Why don't you try BULGARIA?! Hear they're looking for wimps like you!"

I wonder if Happy knows that Everhart is a K.G.B. agent? I also wondered why they would pick on Bulgaria, considering its history of Olympic Wrestlers, Weightlifters, Drug-Users, Hairy Women, and World's Strongest Man competitors?

Q: There's been some discussion on the blog regarding the possibility of cutting some teams from the A-10. I feel like you and I have become fast friends. Problem is, we have 12 other friends in our circle. We're getting older, time to simplify our lives. Let's cut 4 people from our group. Can't cut Mr. Xavier, he gets us girls. Mr. Temple has a great reputation and knows all the doormen. Mr. Saintjoe beats the shit out of tough guys when we mouth off in bars. So, who do we stop calling? I want the four names. Briefly explain your choices.

A: 1) Ms. Fordham- the A-10's fat friend who you still wouldn't go home with after bonging a fifth of whiskey!- this is a horrible program that really has no shot of being good. While the same could have been said about the Dukes a few years back, they are a charter member with a storied history and are now on the rise.

2), 3), and 4) Charlotte, Richmond, and St. Louis....The Blue Collar Comedy Friends- They really seem out of place in the league. Not that they are bad programs, far from it, but the A-10 is the bye product of the EASTERN 8 (what a great league btw). These Budweiser drinking, NASCAR watching buddies really don't fit the Atlantic-10 school build. Plus I believe that with ten teams, you could play everyone twice which would heat up the rivalries and be good for the league.

Q: Make a prediction. Dayton is 1-1 in the A-10, with a big loss to UMass, and a disturbingly close win over Fordham. The Dukes enter Saturday first in the conference, but those wins have come against the bottom of the league. Who wins? Give me the score and the game's MVP.

A: I like the Dukes to split with Dayton this year. My basketball knowledge warns me against picking Dayton to lose at home, but the Dukes have won there in the past (sorry if that stung a little)! I like the Flyers on Saturday. AJAX is a little banged up and while the Dukes are playing at a high level, I just think they are due for a down performance. I also think that the Flyers will be fired up to avenge last years upset and their experience will ultimately be too much for the youngest team in the nation to handle! Looking forward to the game, but think Dayton takes the Dukes by ten on Saturday. Love my Dukes coming back to Dayton on the final game of the year! Hopefully they won't damage Dayton's tourney hopes two years straight.

Encouraging signs!... Littlefield attends Dukes winner!

- The good news: The Dukes win over Charlotte (picked third in A-10 preseason poll) was not only exciting but greatly encouraging in this burgeoning A-10 season. The Dukes were able to successfully break a 2-3 zone against a team whose biggest strength is its frontcourt. Without a doubt this was their best win of the year and the first time they have been able to stand tall against a team with such a vast size advantage. Brutally physical play by Damian Saunders (future A-10 player of the year) and Bill Clark (future gas attendant at Sunoco in Redondo Beach, Ca) allowed the Dukes to beat UNCC for only the second time in school history, the first coming in the NIT tourney of 1994! AJAX's 30 points also helped a little.

- The Bad News: The Dukes were AWFUL from the free throw line (shot 58% compared to Charlottes 91%). That will bite the Dukes square in the ass down the road. It also seemed like Eric Evans and Melquan Bolding...now known as Arnold and Willis (watch you talking about willis!)... took a step back from the progress they have been making in their respective freshman years. Lots of turnovers, lapses on defense, poor decisions, and lots of missed wide-open looks plagued both of the Dukes' top newcomers. On a side note, Bolding's alley oop- And 1- stuff was just sick. On another side note, if Eric Evans is Arnold and Melquan Bolding is Willis, does that make Ron Everhart Mr. Drummond or Mrs. Garret?

- After being assaulted by a parking lot after the game- hit square in the head by an automated parking arm- I saw former Pirates G.M. David Littlefield getting into his car after the game. Well, well, well Mr. Littlefield. Do you miss the 33% of capacity crowds? Or is it the decades long streak of no post-season play? Do the 90 degree temps of the Palumbo Center remind you of those warm summer days of losing games at PNC Park? Were you trying to convince Duquesne to sign you on as a front office guru? I have got it! You are spear heading the Dukes new marketing campaign, "We Will."

"We will...have fat cheerleaders," "We will...go 12-4 only to lose the next 10 straight games," "We will...help people lose weight by turning up the heat at the Palumbo to 108, "We will...help our coach land a job with a bigger program," "We will...not let bluff divers sit courtside for the games," "We will...play David Theis as much as possible," We will...treat our season ticket holders poorly," "We will...never beat Pitt or West Virginia," "We will...let FUCKING JARAD SADOWSKI play point guard."

Hey its....its better than 60% of the time we work hard everytime!

- CONGRATS PITT! It is great for the program, team, city and...eh hem...fans of Pitt that their...eh hem...beloved panthers are unanimously the number one team in the country. I recently was questioned on how I could not cheer for Pitt to win the national title. I simply responded that I am an actual fan of my basketball team. I attended games and cheered for my team for most of my life when they were fricking horrible! Through Satalin (big east head of officials), Carrol, Edgar, Porter, and Nee. Through 3-25. Through Niksa Tarle, and Kevin Shand, and Jack May. Bottom line is, I love the Dukes and therefore I hate Pitt and will always hate Pitt. Go Choke on Your Number One Ranking ...eh hem.... Panther Fans!

Cheering for a sports teams is like a marriage, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health. And while "forever and ever doesn't mean it anymore," I stick to my guns and root for the Dukes and whoever is playing Pitt. And while Pitt has dominated Duquesne my entire life, THEY ARE CROSSTOWN RIVALS!, and I will alway hate them. When Pitt was Shitt (not too long ago by the way) most of their...eh hem... fans were cheering for other teams, like Indiana or Kentucky, and not attending games at perhaps the worst venue in all of sports history, the Fieldhouse. With your cushy new venue and winning teams, and while playing in the...eh hem...powerhouse Big East, you still don't sell out your building.

At the same time Pitt was Shitt (and when Pitt was the shit too!), I was going to every Dukes game with Pops and sitting and waiting (and suffering) for the day the Dukes would return to the glory they had in his college days. While those days may never come, it will be pure sweet revenge on all you bandwagon Pitt fans if they do! It will also be pure sweet happiness for this TRUE FAN OF THE DUKES! Its worth the ride either way.

HERE IS HOPING PITT BECOMES THE FIRST NUMBER ONE TOURNEY SEED TO LOSE TO A SIXTEEN! OR BETTER YET, MAYBE A TWO OR THREE SEED THAT LOSES TO THE DUKES AFTER THEY WIN THE A-10 TOURNEY!!!! I REMIND YOU...EH HEM... PITT FANS THAT ALL GLORY IS FLEETING!

Twas the Night Before A BluffDivers Christmas

'Twas the night before Chrsitmas, and all nestled in.
Young Thorton was stirring a martini with gin;
The pizza was left for Santa with cheer,
And a Genesse Cream Ale, for a certain reindeer!

The children were wrestling thoughts in their heads,
Will it be electric toothbrushes, or tube socks instead?
And moms in her nighty, and pops' breath of pine;
were mixing both beer, bad gin, and cheap wine!

When out on the front porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the kitchen to see what was the matter.
Was it a vixen wearing panties sans crotch?
It was the local priest who'd drunk too much scotch!

Away to bed I flew like a flash,
Knowing these rupes was like having a rash;
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Predicted tomorrow was sure to blow!

The morning arrived and what to my eyes did appear,
Huge gifts by the tree to surprise us with cheer.
With a little luck, and by gods grace to thee,
A computer? Big Screen? Or (Gasp) Cable TV?

I knew in a minute like timing an egg,
Pops' terrycloth robe and thin chicken legs
As they downed the stairs with speed not too swift
A Christmas miracle, they actually bought us GOOD GIFTS!!!

"Now Iliya, Now Thorton, Now Poohead, please see
That I get the paper and a black decaf coffee"
To the landing bathroom i must adhere
To a large dookee before any gifts this year!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
The sound of the flush came waffling by
As we sat under the piano we finally knew
They had made up for years of gifts that blew.

And then in a twinkling I heard living proof,
That pops j-noff was surely a goof!
As we sat by the fire with our hopes still around
Down with our dreams came a resounding sound

"Sons, with much due dillegence and with our great trust
We decided to make this Christmas...The Reading Christmas"
They surely were joking, this couldn't be true
We would open the boxes and wouldn't be blue!

We tore through the first box and with great disdain
Opened the complete hardback works of one Mark Twain.
The second box was opened with hope of the multimedia,
Nope! 40 volumes of Schmittanicca, the Amway Encyclopedia!

So bad was this gift on principle alone.
It made me want to leave and never come home.
The bad gifts continued to haunt poor Thortie
This encylcopedia was produced in early 1940!

Not only did this cause great stress and much strife!
It pretty much messed with a ten year old's life.
"What's wrong with the kids?" Cousin Dave quipped.
"These goddam brats, didn't like their gifts!"

"What did you get them, Uncle Nick, I might ask?"
"A nice set of encylopedia's." "Man, your an ass!"
And giving a nod, the glass he rose,
To torment his liver and blossom his nose!

But I still exclaim, and maybe I am right.
Happy Reading Christmas to All, And To All A Good Night!

Why No Response? My letter to athletic director Greg Amodio.

I can't believe he didn't respond to this

March 17, 2008

Mr. Greg Amodio
Director of Athletics
Duquesne University
Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Mr. Amodio.

Greetings! My name is [Thorton Mellon] and I am an avid supporter of Duquesne University Basketball. I am a third generation alumnus (Marketing and Sports Marketing '02, Magna Cum Laude) and a former Duquesne University Basketball ball boy (88-94). I currently share season tickets with my father (Bus '56), who is a Duquesne University faculty member and has been a season ticket holder for over thirty years. I am also the editor-in-chief of a satirical, informative, and wildly popular Duquesne Basketball sports blog known as http://www.bluffdivers.com/. In addition, I have professional experience in marketing, broadcasting, advertising, and sales with two separate Major League Baseball organziations.

We at "BluffDivers" would all like to extend our congratulations and thanks for this season's continued improvement and success. I speak for literally hundreds of my website's followers when I say it feels great to cheer on competitive basketball games being played at the Palumbo!!! We all appreciate the solid job that you and Coach Everhart have done. Hopefully this improvement will continue and we will one day be able to take our loyal legion of BluffDivers on the road to watch the Dukes in the NCAA tourney!!! That being said, we have come up with a list of suggestions that will take the Duquesne University hoops experience to the next level. I ask that you explore these suggestions with an open mind. The list is in no particular order:


1) Increase the athletic apparel options. The Dukes have a great new logo and we would love to support our alma mater by purchasing some new gear! Our choices, and access to purchase these choices, remain very limited compared to other top Atlantic Ten programs.
2) Bring the bleachers back down to the floor. The relatively new hardwood may limit this, but the closer the fans are to the players and the floor the better.
3) Have a cheering squad that better represents the spirit of college athletics and athleticisim. While we support the hard work that all of the members of the cheering squad put forth, the image of Duquesne that some participants portray is substantially less than that of health and fitness. Some members are honestly an embarassment to the school and program. I know we need bases for the pyramids, but at what cost to the the university's image? Let alone twinkie supply.
4) Play more family and sports oriented music at the games. This does not intend to bash the pep band, which we feel does a very commendable job. In fact the more pep band the better. Yet the rap music blasted through the PA and sound system at schrill volumes and pitch levels does not make for a festive game time atmosphere and quite frankly is abrasive and offensive to many. More jock jams, less Young Joc please.
5) Continue to increase the participation of local high schools, grade schools, and charities. There are lots of empty seats at the Palumbo that could be sold at substantial discounts to students or used in fundraising efforts by local schools and youth organizaitons.
6) TURN DOWN THE HEAT IN THE PALUMBO. It is a veritable sweat box in the place and has been for years. The temperature is legitamately stifling and it directly decreases the energy level of the crowd. We honestly wear t-shirts and shorts in the dead of winter to Dukes games because of the Palumbo's sauna-like ambience.
7) Involve students who live off campus. Many students live in the South Side, as I did when I attended Duquesne. Running a pre- and post-game shuttle would be a great service to upper classmen and of-age students who wish to responsibly consume adult beverages before Dukes games. It would also promote more of a "big game" atmosphere. When I was in school we had a "happy bus" that ran between South Side, Oakland, and campus on the weekends. The Palumbo needs to be a "happier" place.
8) Spruce up the Palumbo's interior (paint and stain) and remove the large black curtain to expose the brick (if possible). The black curtain just seems out of place and the building's maintenance seems dingy at times.
9) Bring back the halftime Dukes Court reception. I looked forward to this every game with my father when it was still operational. I would gladly donate to the Dukes Court if they brought this back as would many of my fellow alumni and almost all of the followers of http://www.bluffdivers.com/. I personally think this is a great tool to solicite donations and alumni giving. We were very dissappointed with the athletic department when this was discontinued.
10) Have a season ticket holder function and meet and greet before and after the season as a way to give back to your small, but loyal, hardcore Dukes fans.

I appreciate your time and consideration for all the above suggestions and welcome you to contact me personally to discuss any of the the aforementioned ideas. Thank you and we at BluffDivers wish you, Coach Everhart, the team, and the program succes for many years to come. Let's Go Dukes!

Yours Truly,

[Thorton Mellon]

Bluff Divers Hit the Road....And Realize Pitt Sucks.

-Taking the Red-Eye from Vegas to see our Dukes take on the much-hated Duke Blue Devils (then #9) was truly a great experience. A big thanks to the insider that hooked us up with tickets. You are now a lifetime Bluff Diver!

-Cameron indoor was amazing. The fans were friendly, knowledgeable, (the Duke fans sitting behind us knew more about the Dukes than most Dukes fans...that sounds a little confusing I know), and although the Dukes got smushed on national t.v. is was for lack of a better word "good times." Big shout out to Greg Immodium A.D., who doesn't return my letters, for getting our Ducks on national t.v. on a day where every high school prospect in the country does not have school.

-Also "good times" were the ugly hotel bartendar seeking a double team from the Road Bluff Divers because we were from the north, the amount of booze consumed on no sleep, quoting a UNC co-ed "we were just talking about how bad you suck," and having a cab stop at Wendy's and Rick Shaw walking through the drive through.

-Playing one of the toughest early schedules in the country, Bluff Divers then traveled to the Pitt's of hell, Oakland, PA. The Dukes took on a certain group of criminals who no doubt will end up in jail shortly after not graduating (taser) and are masquerading themselves as a good basketball team. At least one that will make it past the second round of the NCAA tournament. Wait a minute, some of these kids should be in jail now. Wait a minute, I think Sam Young is 29 years old so I shouldn't call them kids. And while the Dukes got smushed again, I have determined that the Pitt program, their fans, and their team all suck a big fat one! And here's why:

1) You are the number three team in the country and don't sell out your building when school is in session. If I were a Pitt fan (just threw up a little), I would be most embarassed about this.

2) You have the least knowledgable fans in the country. Pitiful how little you know about basketball...There was basketball played in this city prior to the Vonteego Cummings era! Or for those super fans, prior to the Jerome Lane and Charles Smith era of underachievers.

3) You have played one quality opponent on the ROAD in the last ten years (Duke at MSG does not count!) and Dayton, a team hosed by the NCAA tourney committee, bit the piss out of you last year. Wait a minute, Dayton plays in the A-10. This is why you need to stop whining about your seed in the tourney.

4) You stink in the NCAA tournament. When will teams realize that winning the Big Least tournaments MEANS NOTHING if you can't get out of the second round.

5) You sold your football soul out for your basketball program

6) You sold the city's soul out when you refused to work with the Penguins on a new arena.

7) Other than your medical and dental school, you are one step above CCAC and the vast majority of your students can't spell.

8) For the first time in 28 years of my life, Dukes season ticket holders could not buy tickets to the away Pitt vs. Duquesne game (I have refused to call this the City Game ever since Dan Cortese "hosted" the game at the arena circa '94)....This makes me wonder if Pitt might be a little nervous the red-headed stepchild Dukes program isn't catching up a little bit.

9) You play in the worlds most overrated sports entity, the Big East Conference.

10) YOU JUST PLAIN SUCK PITT!