The Snore of the Engines

Except for gay sex and certain far East food delicacies, I will give pretty much anything a shot or two. NASCAR racing, or as I like to call it Hicks Driving Quick, was no exception to this rule. I have given the "sport" its fair shake at winning over Bluff Divers and it keeps coming up empty every time.

First of all, I just can’t get into a sport that has so blatently sold its soul to the devil visa vie corporate sponsors. Its bad enough that the networks have to show me the cast of That 70’s Show fifteen times an inning during the World Series, but at least MLB, NFL, NBA, etc. aren’t stamping Dunkin Donut’s on the pant legs of Manny Ramirez while the Red Bull label is dyed into his dread locks. At least it’s the networks that are completely selling out, not the sport itself, and that’s somewhat ok in my book. I do have to give NASCAR credit as the sport recognizes that its fans are of the lowest common denominator. I am sure Billy Jo bought his first case of Amp Energy drink on his way to volunteer for the Tennessee National Guard (they denied him cause of a genetic mutation that is typical among in-breds and his poor dental records).

Secondly, the sport was built on tobacco, dishonesty, and breaking the law (i.e. moonshine runners) not sportsmanship, family, or tradition. Hillbilly/Racist cancer and booze pedlars founded the sport; Dr. Naismith and Abner Doubleday must be spinning in their grave! They love to talk about the glory days of NASCAR in a time period when many races were fixed. Most sports are ashamed of any sorded history of outcome fixing (see Black Sox, the movie Blue Chips, Etc.), but not NASCAR. By the way, Tony is still flunking T.V.

Also, tell me how a kid growing up in Pittsburgh, PA could break into the sport of racing without endangering his life and the lives of others (street racing?) or without a ton of money to buy track time and learn how to race? The barriers to entry in this sport are greater than any other in mainstream society and naturally exclude a huge portion of the population.

I prefer going to sporting events where participants don’t have a reasonable chance of dying. What is this, ancient Rome? That's just me.

How can a sport be anywhere near legitimate when you break into commercial in the middle of the action? Especially late in the race? Must not be that important if you ask me.

They never turn anywhere but left. And I don’t want to hear about strategy. Here it goes: Drive faster than everyone else, pit quicker, draft behind other cars and utilize teammates, try not to wreck….There it is, NASCAR strategy 101 and all you’ll ever need to know to follow the sport.

I love hearing the “you have to go to a race” theory. Look, anytime you combine massive amounts of alcohol, with good weather, and girls in their late 30’s with loose morals, you are going to have a good time. I will just the same go see the Steve Miller Band this summer when they come to Starlake. Furthermore, I do not feel like driving any amount of distance to party with rednecks. They typically don’t like my type (brown).

This theory is similar to cat lovers who say their cat is the greatest because "my cat is just like a dog." Just get a damn dog then.

Actually those theories aren't similar at all but I just fricking hate cats and cat lovers.

If I wanted to see guys change tires, I would go to the local Meineke. If you think it is exciting to watch guys fill up gas tanks, you’ve been sniffing fumes too long.

You want to see a quick tire change, go to a garage anywhere in the south in a suit and tie and scream "INS"….you’ll see a tire change, and a sub- 4 minute mile for a fraction of the price.

Nascar does have one thing going for it though: Tim Mcarver and Joe Buck don't cover the races...Yet