Reader Mail Bag #2

Always Devoted to my Loyal Legion of Bluff Divers.... (these are all actual questions this time!)


Q: What's the big deal about performing enhancing drugs? I use them all time... for sex! Their called rumpleminze and tequilla!
A: Amen! Like I have always said, nothing complements a nice batch of lies like a good shot of tequilla (and vice versa). And we all know that the drunker I get, the better looking I become. To your point however, I am so sick of hearing about steroids that I think they should let these guys use whatever the heck they want...what the hey? They already do it in the NFL and the networks are paid not to report it. The point of sports, moves, music, etc. is to entertain us and what would be more entertaining than a bunch of muscle bound freaks hopped up on amphetamines ripping down backboards or breaking bats over their legs (see Bo Jackson and Jerome Lane). To quote Needle Nose Ned the Head, "It's all one big crap shoot anywho." I would love to see the All Steroid League sponsored by Bluff Divers.


Q: Who is your big tourney upset pick?
A: Well, that all depends. If I don't prescribe to gambling, my picks are typically dead locks. Twice in my life I did not enter a money poll and both times I had under four losses for the entire tourney, picked the final four, and the eventual winner. That being said in the first round I love San Diego over UCONN, Temple over MSU, Villanova over Clemson (they have to be pissed about the lack of respect they are getting, right?) and Kentucky over Marquette.


Q: What will you right about when basketball season is over?
A: First of all, nice spelling. Its "write" not "right." But for those of you that know me, I will have plenty to blabber about. In addition, the sport that was hand picked by the Superbeing as its #1 favorite, baseball, is set to begin as my beloved Bosox take on the "Moneyballs" in Japan next week (if they pay the coaches the $40 g's they were supposed to). I also intend to invite a guest columnist once per week.


Q: You should have a vote for the Bluff Divers "got of the month." The first "gotm" should be my ex-girlfriend getting a job with my company. "They" love to get me!
A:They don't get you! Granted, that's a got...but not worthy of a Bluff Divers "GOTME" (got of the month "extreme") award. An example of a GOTME award would be: my ex-girlfriend got a job with my company as my boss, started dating Raul the mail boy, apparently she has a rare strain of herpes she passed along to me while we were dating (Raul is immune to this disease because he is from Haiti), and she has demoted me to assistant custodian with a special focus on cleaning the female waste recepticles. Now that's a got! Nay, that's a GOTME. Great idea though and this monthly vote will begin in the near future!!!

Q: If you had to recast people you know for a remake of Caddyshack, who would play what role?
A: Ahhh, good question. Way too difficult to answer because of great characters like Maggie O'Hooligan, Smoke Porterhouse, and the Chef (who also has a brief cameo in Spaceballs..."you idiots, these are their stunt doubles.") The only definite is Pops as Al Czervik. Actually I think Pops may be Al Czervik. Other solid picks include Cuomo as D'Annunzio, Mac as Danny Noonan, Myself as Chuck Schick (Judge Smails' legal clerk), and JK as a 21st century spastic version of Spalding Smails. But Alas, there is only one Ted Knight so I am afraid it would be impossible to cast Judge Smails and this remake would never get off the ground. Bluff Divers, I encourage you to respond with your choices for this question with current celebs, athletes, or friends!

Q: Who is your tourney winner?
A: I am going to jinx them if I say their real name, so I am going to say a lovely school in the next town across from Durham, NC.