Ten NON-Basketball Stories to Look For in the NCAA Tournament:

Caucasion Persuasion, Greg Gumbel.

Ten NON-Basketball Stories to Look For in the NCAA Tournament:

10) Sam Young's backne and inherant daily use of monkey testosterone garners national attention. Bluffdivers founder, Thorton Mellon, is required to testify in front of Congress. The committe concludes that Mr. Young is the ugliest man on the planet, replacing Hillary Clinton.

9) It is revealed that Hubert Davis and Clark Kellog are actually the same person.

8) Inside sources indicate that Greg Gumbel is 100% white. This is confirmed following a credit check, a survey of recent John Tesh cds purchased, and after a tennis racquet was found in his metallic burgundy Volvo.

7) Bluffdivers.com prints up "I like Oral....Roberts" t-shirts, thus angering the uber-religious, Tulsa, Oklahoma school. T-shirt orders quadruple after Oral Roberts upsets Pitt in round 1.

6) St Joe's coach Phil Martelli sports a full hair piece ala George Costanza....He then whispers and winks to a relativiely hot female sideline reporter..."so...hows you life?"

5) ESPN continues to give Bob Knight smaller and smaller ESPN logo'd sweaters to wear because he refuses to put on a neck tie. This ultimately suffocates The General to the point of hallucination and he picks Pitt to go the national title game...wait a minute, that already happened.

4) Inside sources indicate that Digger Phelps is actually black. His new nickname is of course, "Black Guy" Phelps.

3) The Stanford vs. Cornell game is cancelled. The teams agree to decide the winner by participating in a sciene and math related trivia game, or "Rich White Nerd Bowl I." "Black Guy" Phelps predicts that the team that answers the most questions correctly, will win the game. The rest of the analysts marvel at his insight. Reece Davis comments that Phelps is very articulate. Cornell wins in a squeaker.

2) UNLV attempts to disguise Greg Anthony, Stacy Augmon, and Larry Johnson as amatuer athletes and current players. No one notices until they blow the final game against Bobby Hurley's Duke Blue Devils...wait a minute, that already happened.

1) Kentucky super-fan Ashley Judd agrees to appear nude (and readily available) in the Wildcats locker room if they win the tournament. The Wildcats sweep their way to a title Major League style. Videos of the victory celebration are immediately linked to adult websites across the Internet, reviving Judd's career. Losing Coach Kansas Bill Self turns down an offer to star in a new Vivid picture with Brianna Banks entitled, "Self Stimulation."