Twas the Night Before A BluffDivers Christmas

'Twas the night before Chrsitmas, and all nestled in.
Young Thorton was stirring a martini with gin;
The pizza was left for Santa with cheer,
And a Genesse Cream Ale, for a certain reindeer!

The children were wrestling thoughts in their heads,
Will it be electric toothbrushes, or tube socks instead?
And moms in her nighty, and pops' breath of pine;
were mixing both beer, bad gin, and cheap wine!

When out on the front porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the kitchen to see what was the matter.
Was it a vixen wearing panties sans crotch?
It was the local priest who'd drunk too much scotch!

Away to bed I flew like a flash,
Knowing these rupes was like having a rash;
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Predicted tomorrow was sure to blow!

The morning arrived and what to my eyes did appear,
Huge gifts by the tree to surprise us with cheer.
With a little luck, and by gods grace to thee,
A computer? Big Screen? Or (Gasp) Cable TV?

I knew in a minute like timing an egg,
Pops' terrycloth robe and thin chicken legs
As they downed the stairs with speed not too swift
A Christmas miracle, they actually bought us GOOD GIFTS!!!

"Now Iliya, Now Thorton, Now Poohead, please see
That I get the paper and a black decaf coffee"
To the landing bathroom i must adhere
To a large dookee before any gifts this year!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
The sound of the flush came waffling by
As we sat under the piano we finally knew
They had made up for years of gifts that blew.

And then in a twinkling I heard living proof,
That pops j-noff was surely a goof!
As we sat by the fire with our hopes still around
Down with our dreams came a resounding sound

"Sons, with much due dillegence and with our great trust
We decided to make this Christmas...The Reading Christmas"
They surely were joking, this couldn't be true
We would open the boxes and wouldn't be blue!

We tore through the first box and with great disdain
Opened the complete hardback works of one Mark Twain.
The second box was opened with hope of the multimedia,
Nope! 40 volumes of Schmittanicca, the Amway Encyclopedia!

So bad was this gift on principle alone.
It made me want to leave and never come home.
The bad gifts continued to haunt poor Thortie
This encylcopedia was produced in early 1940!

Not only did this cause great stress and much strife!
It pretty much messed with a ten year old's life.
"What's wrong with the kids?" Cousin Dave quipped.
"These goddam brats, didn't like their gifts!"

"What did you get them, Uncle Nick, I might ask?"
"A nice set of encylopedia's." "Man, your an ass!"
And giving a nod, the glass he rose,
To torment his liver and blossom his nose!

But I still exclaim, and maybe I am right.
Happy Reading Christmas to All, And To All A Good Night!