THINGS IN SPORTS THAT I FIND RETARDED!
by Thorton Mellon.
1) The Gatorade Bath. Enough already with this crap. I think I will push for a gatorade bath for Ron Everhart if the Dukes cover the spread against Fordham Sunday. This should have gone by the waste side with many other things from the 80's, like Zubaz and The Human League. Its not even fricking Gatorade. Maybe they should work up to the bath. Like win a big game gets the RC cola bath. Clinch the division, Vitamin Water bath. Or crappy baths for poor performance... Lose the AFC Championship, Starbuck coffee bath. Lose the super bowl, Lime Jello Bath. Retarded.
2) The MLB Network. I love baseball more than anything, but Bud and his boys shit the bed with this one. How many times can you see a replay of the Phillies/Devil Rays World Series? Seriously, you own video rights to every Major League game/documentary/old school home run derbies-which were player vs. player- and you choose to show the magical season of the 2001 Seattle Mariners on a daily basis. Eghhhhhh! Retarded.
3) Frank Caliendo. This guy was great for about 1 season of mad t.v. in 2002, yet he is on t.v. more than Roadhouse and Home Improvement combined. Do we need to see a bad impersonation every fricking week...nay every hour on the hour? What do you have to do with sports except for your Madden impersonation? If this rupe is under contract, I think they should shoot the bastard and/or just make him do really demeaning stuff until he shoots himself...like slip-in-sliding into a pool of spoiled milk. Retarded.
4) Hockey Fans (mainly Pittsburgh hockey fans). Man are you double retarded! Have you ever played hockey? That two weeks in gym in middle school with the plastic sticks don't count you idiot. There are forty thousand games and half the teams make the playoffs, you don't need the fricking game on every t.v. at the bar! Face it, you are secretly racist. All the players are white, the surface is white, they play "Cotton-eyed Joe" and Journey at the games, the players still have mullets and many wear Zubaz, and your games are played nationally on the poor man's CMT station. Oh yeah, much like the NFL, you can have minimal athletic skill and just be a big, dumb, slow fighter and still make the league. Retarded.
5) Women's basketball highlights and games on ESPN. Honestly! Honestly! I am sick and tired of this sport being rammed down my throat. I remember a day when I didn't have to look at highlights of missed layups and turnovers in a 42-15 game. Well, except when Pitt plays St. Johns. Enough already. No one cares. Your network exists because of beer drinkers, gamblers, sports nerds, and fans of mens sports. Cater to them and get this dribble off the air. Until the players are hot, wearing skimpy outfits, and aren't bull dike lesbos, than this sport will never have any entertainment value to any heterosexual, sports loving male. Women have the Lifetime Network, put the damn highlights and games on it!!! Retarded.
2 comments:
I'd like to thank my lord and savior...retarded.
Here are a few other things to add to the list:
1. The Tuck Rule. Left open for translation. How do you determine this? I still don't understand. 90% of the time, it looks like a fumble. Why isn't it? Hit the ball or the arm, player loses control, and fumbles. Oh wait that was an incomplete pass.
2. The champions tour. Who in their right mind watches this? What companies actually sponser this? Golf is the only sport that does this, and it should not be happening. The only reason to tune in is to show your son one of the greatest golfers of the past. Otherwise, no reason. There isn't an old-timers baseball league. Though, I think this would make more sense. What 30-something male would not want to go see 9 past baseball icons/boyhood heroes play a short season around the U.S. May not be good for TV, but neither is the champions tour. I can go to the country club to watch old guys golf.
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