My Summertime Wish List

Dear Pops,

Now that you have firmly planted yourself next to Sammy, Frank, and Deano at the Big Martini Bar in the sky, I have a couple of things I would like you to ask the Big Guy to do for me. I am technically unemployed, overweight, going nowhere with my life, and generally miserable, so he should be up to grant me a couple of favors:

1) Please strike down Joe Buck with some horrible, horrible illness that makes him die a slow, painful, and humiliating death. But do this only after he is convicted of distributing child pornography while fondling small defenseless puppies. This will prevent any "Joe Buck's Dying a Slow and Painful Death" tribute specials from airing on FOX or any other garbage network. Please also allow the same fortune for Pirates announcer Greg Brown. And the Obama administration. And The Pitt Panthers Basketball team.

2) Please send me a secret formula for alleviating backne. There are a lot of medications for acne, but none specifically targeted at stopping backne. I figure I can make alot of money with this one...and also put it to good use!!!...As president of Backne-Be-Gone, I would have many former Major League sluggers at my disposal for spokesmen.

3) Please transform the shape of my penis into that of a large hammerhead shark, thus allowing me to finally produce one of the two porn scripts I wrote in high school, naturally entitled "Hammerheads."

4) Please allow Moms to re-marry Mark Cuban. I think me and Daddy Cubes could have a good time. Although I could not help but feel a little like Arnold from Different Strokes. If Daddy Cubes wanted, I would gladly say "Whatchu talking about, Iliya."

5) Please let Needle Nose Ned Ryerson get his own T.V. show

6) Please cancel "The View" and erase the fact that it ever existed from my memory.

7) Please put "Cheers" re-runs on during the day. As a practicing member of NO MA'AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood), I really appreciate the "Married...With Children" episodes that are now running, but if I have to watch one more fricking episode of "Yes, Dear" or "Just Shoot Me" while nursing a hangover I may kill someone. Somehow I still watch these shows everytime they are on even though I know they suck. To quote the standup of one Clifford Claven, "Whatsup with that?"

8) Please make Ben Roethleseberger not a complete and total douchebag. I do realize this may be even beyond your powers and magic tricks, Big Guy. You may have to bring in Jeebus, or Buddha, or "the hawk" for this one.

9) Please allow the 80's women's hairstyle of side pony tails and hair pulled down to one side to make a comeback. It is a weird, while ridiculous Bluff Diver turn on that will be prominently featured in "Hammerheads."

10) Please allow the Dukes to land a couple of huge late recruits (like Damian Saunders) within the next month or two. Also please have security at the beginning of the year BSU dance at Duquesne. We don't need another repeat of "Boys in tha Bluff" before this promising season. FYI I am a former member of the BSU (Black Student Union). True Story.