Bluff Divers, Mange La Gouche!

It has started....the Bluff Diver revolution. I expect the divers to be in full force Saturday against Richmond...there are no excuses this time gentlemen. 7 PM tip off. 5 PM pre-game meeting at Shales, Milano's, or the Red Ring (if they got their liquor license). This is a must win as the Dukes cannot afford a let down if they want to make a post-season tournament... With that said, what a fantastic year this has been, despite all the close losses that could have made this a dream season....

After talking to one of the original Bluff Divers this morning, who took me to Dukes games when I was in diapers although Uncle Bill he is not, I have decided to take it upon myself to be negative (go figure) and tell you things they need to fix....here are 10 things they need to do that have nothing to do with the on court performance, and are fixable per the a.d....

1) Get some decent athletic apparel. Duquesne has great colors, logos, and now a decent team...why is the gear they sell so bunk? It honestly hasn't changed, except for a shirt or two, in 10 years. Plus, you can't find this gear anywhere but the book store. I checked at every sporting goods store and department store last night and found a couple of hats at lids and more Booby Mo gear than Dukes gear.

2) Get rid of the black curtains at the Palumbo and bring the bleachers back down to the floor. New stain on the risers and a paint touch up wouldn't hurt the facility either.

3) Stop letting fat girls cheer and dance. This has always blown my mind. Duquesne has tons of hot chicks and even some hot cheerleaders, but these large pieces of slunk meat stick out like a sore thumb and are an embarassment. I talked to a former and reallly hot cheerleader who is married to a friend of the Bluff Divers (and potential recruit) and she said they needed these tubbers to be the base of the pyramids since they have no male cheerleaders....I'd rather not see the pyramid and not see the cellulite at the same time.
*****I will eventually marry the current cheerleader with the short hair

4) Turn down the heat in the Palumbo center. This has been the hottest, tempature wise, sports venue since it opened in 1988. It's a veritable sweat box in there.

5) Get a new PA and Sound system. Also Click Effects software (used in most sports venues) would allow you to play anything you wanted at the touch of a button, mix and match, use sound effects, etc. I operated this while working for a professional sports team and it extremely enhances the in-game setting

6) Get a new PA announcer. He has to be the worst PA guy in all of Sports, amatuer and professional. He may evoke violence from me if the Dukes lose Saturday and I hear his chubby bald ass say Threecola!

7) Give free or drastically discounted tickets to local high schools and grade schools. This just makes sense. For 99.9 % of the games, they could give away minimum a 1000 seats and make it a great atmosphere. Tie it in with some charity somehow...possibly the human or greg fund....and it would be the feel good story of the year and something that most teams do. Good programs and professional teams have Community Relations departments that take care of this.

8) Make the game a drinking event for students. They have made steps by putting a restaurant/bar in the new rec building (although without a liquor license yet), but if you relaxed your policies on drinking, or maybe got the frats involved or something, this would get some student involvement. Maybe bring back the Happy Bus and shuttle kids from the south side.

9) Get rid of the metal detectors. This is ridiculous. I have been to many college and pro venues in many cities much worse than Pittsburgh and I have never seen full blown metal detactors. (they may have them at Heinz field but I am typically too drunk to notice this). Wands yes, but airport security checks, no! Ok, there was a shooting but this is a complete over-reaction. No one feels good about going to a sporting event and being reminded that someone might be packing. Getting rid of these things will make it easier to sneak in flasks for students. Its an invasion of personal freedom from my hippy liberal alma mater.

10) BRING BACK THE DUKES COURT (i will post a separate column about this). It use to be if you were a season ticket holder, esteemed faculty member, or DU athletic booster, you were able to go into a very nice bar area (complete with wood panels, a tv, and pictures of Duquesne basketball greats, at halftime and have a couple of beers). This is complete BULL SHIT that the new president and AD got rid of this. You need to kiss ass to people that kept dancing with you even though you smelled like the back seat of the 61 C. I will never contribute until they bring this back. And it can't be money, as I specifically now of a local beer wholesaler who is more than willing to donate free product if they bring this back!

***11) Bonus: Grease the local media in orde to get some press coverage