I just had to shell out $1500 bucks for two root canals.
I just had to shell out $2000 to the federal government cause my last employer botched my taxes and because I pretty much spent my time as a beer rep, well to be honest, drunk, i didn't notice.
I just lost my current job. I was let go by someone who lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Most certainly a left wing conspiracy.
This series of events can only mean one thing...Its time to go on a trip to Vegas! What the hey, I did win my NCAA tourney poll! And while most usually write a journal during or after trips such as these, we at bluff divers know exactly what is going to happen over the next few days. My pre-emptive Day One Vegas journal:
Day One Thursday:
Woke up 7:00 AM. First double absolut and cran 7:02. First ativan 7:04. I then proceeded to the airport where I got "randomly selected" for a full security check. Why this happens every time I go to the airport is beyond me. My only comfort was that the man performing the full body cavity search looks kind of like the G. Gordon Liddy character from Fletch (Its all ball bearings nowadays). After me and Mr. Liddy's latex gloved finger got "friendly" I needed a smoke, but since I couldn't have one and don't smoke I settled for about 6 more double vodka crans and a couple more of ativan. Needless to say, I don't remember much about the flight. Vegas Baby! We'll be up five hundred by midnight!!!
Stpoped at the MGM Grand to lay a hundy on the Dukes to win it all next year. This has to pay out about $15o million. Of which I will donate $5o million to Duquesne to rename the palumbo center The Bluff Divers Dance Party Emporium and Basketball Bonanza Palace. Awesome! (Awesome! is part of the name). I will also ban Fr. Hogan from the newly remodeled digs unless he dawns a full clown costume at all times. I will also build a special suite that is really just a large room with a bar and a hot tub and toss out a special invite to the Dukes cheerleader with the short haircut (you know who Im talking about) that will be my future ex-wife.
Anyways, back to Vegas. I lost an additional $250 at the MGM before heading to my parents time share. I arrived at the time share to find out in order to stay there I have to pass out those porn papers on the street with a guy named simply "El Guapo." Much to my dismay this man was not Rich Garces, although he was quite handsome.
Hit up the pool around 3. There is a 75 year old woman sun bathing at the pool that deserves an honorable mention for the crotch turkey award. I actually think I see a crotch turkey through her two piece. Nice. I may have a chance with her 46 year old divorced daughter Mildred. I am HUGE with the over forty crowd...I am a stud!
Headed back to the casino around 5. Lose $250. Think laying that hundy on the Dukes might have been a bad play. Charge some chips to my credit card, this may not be a good move but why not? Lose $300.
I stole 452 sweet and lows (now drunk and broke) from the casino bar to compensate for the lost money. Think I got them good... I then got roughed up by security as the casino has now decieded to do "radom security checks" to prevent potential terrorist strikes. What the hell is it with these things? I am staying out of the fricking sun. I went to Catholic school my entire life for crying out loud! I might as well throw in the towel and just change my name to Achmed, grow a mustache, and drive around in a white van with no windows listening to Kolky Bulcek albums (bing bong bing bong bing ban)
11:00 PM Back at the condo. took a bubble bath. noticed my clothes were still on. not good, this might ruin my dress hawaiian shirt. not to fear I have brought multiple back ups.
12:00 AM Rebound. Have a martini while eating a tombstone pizza. Double nice. Pass Out.
Realize when I woke up Friday that this was going to be a long trip. Why I decided to stay untill Monday is beyond me. Oh yeah, my buddy's wedding...almost forgot...better get out my special wedding edition hawaiian shirt.
Just if you are wondering... 70000-1 odds on the Dukes. Just guessing of course
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This man IS NOT A BLUFF DIVER
2 comments:
I saw one of the hot Duquesne cheerleaders at The Town Tavern a few weeks back on a Saturday night, she was smokin. The funny thing is that I am actually not kidding, the Dukes cheerleading staff actually had a handful of hotties this year.
check out my first post ever...talk about the dukes cheerleaders...btw the one with the short hair is fantastic.
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