'Twas the night before Chrsitmas, and all nestled in.
Young Thorton was stirring a martini with gin;
The pizza was left for Santa with cheer,
And a Genesse Cream Ale, for a certain reindeer!
The children were wrestling thoughts in their heads,
Will it be electric toothbrushes, or tube socks instead?
And moms in her nighty, and pops' breath of pine;
were mixing both beer, bad gin, and cheap wine!
When out on the front porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the kitchen to see what was the matter.
Was it a vixen wearing panties sans crotch?
It was the local priest who'd drunk too much scotch!
Away to bed I flew like a flash,
Knowing these rupes was like having a rash;
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Predicted tomorrow was sure to blow!
The morning arrived and what to my eyes did appear,
Huge gifts by the tree to surprise us with cheer.
With a little luck, and by gods grace to thee,
A computer? Big Screen? Or (Gasp) Cable TV?
I knew in a minute like timing an egg,
Pops' terrycloth robe and thin chicken legs
As they downed the stairs with speed not too swift
A Christmas miracle, they actually bought us GOOD GIFTS!!!
"Now Iliya, Now Thorton, Now Poohead, please see
That I get the paper and a black decaf coffee"
To the landing bathroom i must adhere
To a large dookee before any gifts this year!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
The sound of the flush came waffling by
As we sat under the piano we finally knew
They had made up for years of gifts that blew.
And then in a twinkling I heard living proof,
That pops j-noff was surely a goof!
As we sat by the fire with our hopes still around
Down with our dreams came a resounding sound
"Sons, with much due dillegence and with our great trust
We decided to make this Christmas...The Reading Christmas"
They surely were joking, this couldn't be true
We would open the boxes and wouldn't be blue!
We tore through the first box and with great disdain
Opened the complete hardback works of one Mark Twain.
The second box was opened with hope of the multimedia,
Nope! 40 volumes of Schmittanicca, the Amway Encyclopedia!
So bad was this gift on principle alone.
It made me want to leave and never come home.
The bad gifts continued to haunt poor Thortie
This encylcopedia was produced in early 1940!
Not only did this cause great stress and much strife!
It pretty much messed with a ten year old's life.
"What's wrong with the kids?" Cousin Dave quipped.
"These goddam brats, didn't like their gifts!"
"What did you get them, Uncle Nick, I might ask?"
"A nice set of encylopedia's." "Man, your an ass!"
And giving a nod, the glass he rose,
To torment his liver and blossom his nose!
But I still exclaim, and maybe I am right.
Happy Reading Christmas to All, And To All A Good Night!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Why No Response? My letter to athletic director Greg Amodio.
I can't believe he didn't respond to this
March 17, 2008
Mr. Greg Amodio
Director of Athletics
Duquesne University
Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Mr. Amodio.
Greetings! My name is [Thorton Mellon] and I am an avid supporter of Duquesne University Basketball. I am a third generation alumnus (Marketing and Sports Marketing '02, Magna Cum Laude) and a former Duquesne University Basketball ball boy (88-94). I currently share season tickets with my father (Bus '56), who is a Duquesne University faculty member and has been a season ticket holder for over thirty years. I am also the editor-in-chief of a satirical, informative, and wildly popular Duquesne Basketball sports blog known as http://www.bluffdivers.com/. In addition, I have professional experience in marketing, broadcasting, advertising, and sales with two separate Major League Baseball organziations.
We at "BluffDivers" would all like to extend our congratulations and thanks for this season's continued improvement and success. I speak for literally hundreds of my website's followers when I say it feels great to cheer on competitive basketball games being played at the Palumbo!!! We all appreciate the solid job that you and Coach Everhart have done. Hopefully this improvement will continue and we will one day be able to take our loyal legion of BluffDivers on the road to watch the Dukes in the NCAA tourney!!! That being said, we have come up with a list of suggestions that will take the Duquesne University hoops experience to the next level. I ask that you explore these suggestions with an open mind. The list is in no particular order:
1) Increase the athletic apparel options. The Dukes have a great new logo and we would love to support our alma mater by purchasing some new gear! Our choices, and access to purchase these choices, remain very limited compared to other top Atlantic Ten programs.
2) Bring the bleachers back down to the floor. The relatively new hardwood may limit this, but the closer the fans are to the players and the floor the better.
3) Have a cheering squad that better represents the spirit of college athletics and athleticisim. While we support the hard work that all of the members of the cheering squad put forth, the image of Duquesne that some participants portray is substantially less than that of health and fitness. Some members are honestly an embarassment to the school and program. I know we need bases for the pyramids, but at what cost to the the university's image? Let alone twinkie supply.
4) Play more family and sports oriented music at the games. This does not intend to bash the pep band, which we feel does a very commendable job. In fact the more pep band the better. Yet the rap music blasted through the PA and sound system at schrill volumes and pitch levels does not make for a festive game time atmosphere and quite frankly is abrasive and offensive to many. More jock jams, less Young Joc please.
5) Continue to increase the participation of local high schools, grade schools, and charities. There are lots of empty seats at the Palumbo that could be sold at substantial discounts to students or used in fundraising efforts by local schools and youth organizaitons.
6) TURN DOWN THE HEAT IN THE PALUMBO. It is a veritable sweat box in the place and has been for years. The temperature is legitamately stifling and it directly decreases the energy level of the crowd. We honestly wear t-shirts and shorts in the dead of winter to Dukes games because of the Palumbo's sauna-like ambience.
7) Involve students who live off campus. Many students live in the South Side, as I did when I attended Duquesne. Running a pre- and post-game shuttle would be a great service to upper classmen and of-age students who wish to responsibly consume adult beverages before Dukes games. It would also promote more of a "big game" atmosphere. When I was in school we had a "happy bus" that ran between South Side, Oakland, and campus on the weekends. The Palumbo needs to be a "happier" place.
8) Spruce up the Palumbo's interior (paint and stain) and remove the large black curtain to expose the brick (if possible). The black curtain just seems out of place and the building's maintenance seems dingy at times.
9) Bring back the halftime Dukes Court reception. I looked forward to this every game with my father when it was still operational. I would gladly donate to the Dukes Court if they brought this back as would many of my fellow alumni and almost all of the followers of http://www.bluffdivers.com/. I personally think this is a great tool to solicite donations and alumni giving. We were very dissappointed with the athletic department when this was discontinued.
10) Have a season ticket holder function and meet and greet before and after the season as a way to give back to your small, but loyal, hardcore Dukes fans.
I appreciate your time and consideration for all the above suggestions and welcome you to contact me personally to discuss any of the the aforementioned ideas. Thank you and we at BluffDivers wish you, Coach Everhart, the team, and the program succes for many years to come. Let's Go Dukes!
Yours Truly,
[Thorton Mellon]
March 17, 2008
Mr. Greg Amodio
Director of Athletics
Duquesne University
Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Mr. Amodio.
Greetings! My name is [Thorton Mellon] and I am an avid supporter of Duquesne University Basketball. I am a third generation alumnus (Marketing and Sports Marketing '02, Magna Cum Laude) and a former Duquesne University Basketball ball boy (88-94). I currently share season tickets with my father (Bus '56), who is a Duquesne University faculty member and has been a season ticket holder for over thirty years. I am also the editor-in-chief of a satirical, informative, and wildly popular Duquesne Basketball sports blog known as http://www.bluffdivers.com/. In addition, I have professional experience in marketing, broadcasting, advertising, and sales with two separate Major League Baseball organziations.
We at "BluffDivers" would all like to extend our congratulations and thanks for this season's continued improvement and success. I speak for literally hundreds of my website's followers when I say it feels great to cheer on competitive basketball games being played at the Palumbo!!! We all appreciate the solid job that you and Coach Everhart have done. Hopefully this improvement will continue and we will one day be able to take our loyal legion of BluffDivers on the road to watch the Dukes in the NCAA tourney!!! That being said, we have come up with a list of suggestions that will take the Duquesne University hoops experience to the next level. I ask that you explore these suggestions with an open mind. The list is in no particular order:
1) Increase the athletic apparel options. The Dukes have a great new logo and we would love to support our alma mater by purchasing some new gear! Our choices, and access to purchase these choices, remain very limited compared to other top Atlantic Ten programs.
2) Bring the bleachers back down to the floor. The relatively new hardwood may limit this, but the closer the fans are to the players and the floor the better.
3) Have a cheering squad that better represents the spirit of college athletics and athleticisim. While we support the hard work that all of the members of the cheering squad put forth, the image of Duquesne that some participants portray is substantially less than that of health and fitness. Some members are honestly an embarassment to the school and program. I know we need bases for the pyramids, but at what cost to the the university's image? Let alone twinkie supply.
4) Play more family and sports oriented music at the games. This does not intend to bash the pep band, which we feel does a very commendable job. In fact the more pep band the better. Yet the rap music blasted through the PA and sound system at schrill volumes and pitch levels does not make for a festive game time atmosphere and quite frankly is abrasive and offensive to many. More jock jams, less Young Joc please.
5) Continue to increase the participation of local high schools, grade schools, and charities. There are lots of empty seats at the Palumbo that could be sold at substantial discounts to students or used in fundraising efforts by local schools and youth organizaitons.
6) TURN DOWN THE HEAT IN THE PALUMBO. It is a veritable sweat box in the place and has been for years. The temperature is legitamately stifling and it directly decreases the energy level of the crowd. We honestly wear t-shirts and shorts in the dead of winter to Dukes games because of the Palumbo's sauna-like ambience.
7) Involve students who live off campus. Many students live in the South Side, as I did when I attended Duquesne. Running a pre- and post-game shuttle would be a great service to upper classmen and of-age students who wish to responsibly consume adult beverages before Dukes games. It would also promote more of a "big game" atmosphere. When I was in school we had a "happy bus" that ran between South Side, Oakland, and campus on the weekends. The Palumbo needs to be a "happier" place.
8) Spruce up the Palumbo's interior (paint and stain) and remove the large black curtain to expose the brick (if possible). The black curtain just seems out of place and the building's maintenance seems dingy at times.
9) Bring back the halftime Dukes Court reception. I looked forward to this every game with my father when it was still operational. I would gladly donate to the Dukes Court if they brought this back as would many of my fellow alumni and almost all of the followers of http://www.bluffdivers.com/. I personally think this is a great tool to solicite donations and alumni giving. We were very dissappointed with the athletic department when this was discontinued.
10) Have a season ticket holder function and meet and greet before and after the season as a way to give back to your small, but loyal, hardcore Dukes fans.
I appreciate your time and consideration for all the above suggestions and welcome you to contact me personally to discuss any of the the aforementioned ideas. Thank you and we at BluffDivers wish you, Coach Everhart, the team, and the program succes for many years to come. Let's Go Dukes!
Yours Truly,
[Thorton Mellon]
Friday, December 5, 2008
Bluff Divers Hit the Road....And Realize Pitt Sucks.
-Taking the Red-Eye from Vegas to see our Dukes take on the much-hated Duke Blue Devils (then #9) was truly a great experience. A big thanks to the insider that hooked us up with tickets. You are now a lifetime Bluff Diver!
-Cameron indoor was amazing. The fans were friendly, knowledgeable, (the Duke fans sitting behind us knew more about the Dukes than most Dukes fans...that sounds a little confusing I know), and although the Dukes got smushed on national t.v. is was for lack of a better word "good times." Big shout out to Greg Immodium A.D., who doesn't return my letters, for getting our Ducks on national t.v. on a day where every high school prospect in the country does not have school.
-Also "good times" were the ugly hotel bartendar seeking a double team from the Road Bluff Divers because we were from the north, the amount of booze consumed on no sleep, quoting a UNC co-ed "we were just talking about how bad you suck," and having a cab stop at Wendy's and Rick Shaw walking through the drive through.
-Playing one of the toughest early schedules in the country, Bluff Divers then traveled to the Pitt's of hell, Oakland, PA. The Dukes took on a certain group of criminals who no doubt will end up in jail shortly after not graduating (taser) and are masquerading themselves as a good basketball team. At least one that will make it past the second round of the NCAA tournament. Wait a minute, some of these kids should be in jail now. Wait a minute, I think Sam Young is 29 years old so I shouldn't call them kids. And while the Dukes got smushed again, I have determined that the Pitt program, their fans, and their team all suck a big fat one! And here's why:
1) You are the number three team in the country and don't sell out your building when school is in session. If I were a Pitt fan (just threw up a little), I would be most embarassed about this.
2) You have the least knowledgable fans in the country. Pitiful how little you know about basketball...There was basketball played in this city prior to the Vonteego Cummings era! Or for those super fans, prior to the Jerome Lane and Charles Smith era of underachievers.
3) You have played one quality opponent on the ROAD in the last ten years (Duke at MSG does not count!) and Dayton, a team hosed by the NCAA tourney committee, bit the piss out of you last year. Wait a minute, Dayton plays in the A-10. This is why you need to stop whining about your seed in the tourney.
4) You stink in the NCAA tournament. When will teams realize that winning the Big Least tournaments MEANS NOTHING if you can't get out of the second round.
5) You sold your football soul out for your basketball program
6) You sold the city's soul out when you refused to work with the Penguins on a new arena.
7) Other than your medical and dental school, you are one step above CCAC and the vast majority of your students can't spell.
8) For the first time in 28 years of my life, Dukes season ticket holders could not buy tickets to the away Pitt vs. Duquesne game (I have refused to call this the City Game ever since Dan Cortese "hosted" the game at the arena circa '94)....This makes me wonder if Pitt might be a little nervous the red-headed stepchild Dukes program isn't catching up a little bit.
9) You play in the worlds most overrated sports entity, the Big East Conference.
10) YOU JUST PLAIN SUCK PITT!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
All-Star Game '08- I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Are you serious with this crap?
Joe Buck just said "Let's hope the game can live up to what we just saw on the field." If what happens during the game is anything like what I just saw, I am turning it off and going to rent The Notebook. I will then watch it nine straight times while sticking sharp metal objects up my rear (which will be only done so I can stomach the worst movie of all time).
Let's See. Where do I start?
Seeing Wade Boggs in a Yankee cap standing next to Gay-Rod (homo juicer) just makes me want to puke. I hate you Wade. Go eat some chicken. 11 of your best 18 years (except for '92) were spent as a Sox until you took less money (after hitting .259 in '92) to sell your soul to to the devil. You were inducted into the Hall of Fame for what you did in Boston not NYC jagoff. You went in as a Red Sox, wear the right cap! ehhh. (FYI Dave Winfield and Gary Carter sported two hats... idiot!)
I just saw George Steinbrenner, one of the biggest assholes in professional sports history, get carted on to the field like he was some great baseball hero to throw out the first pitch (a fellow bluff diver confirmed that he greeted Reggie Jackson with a racial epithet btw). This whole thing is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham... to say the least.
Steinbrenner. WHATTT? The owner?? This owner? I thought this game was supposed to be about players, heroes, memories, etc. Complete bull shit.
Anyone remember in '99 when they carted Teddy Ballgame out to throw the first pitch at Fenway and everybody knew that it would be the last time the greatest hitter of all time (don't even try to argue that one!) would walk on to the true hallowed grounds of Fenway Park? I shed a tear that night. I just heaved my remote against the wall tonight. Leave it to the TRUE EVIL EMPIRE to fudge up the mid-summer classic (like Bud Selig already hasn't done that enough).
If anyone is keeping score at home... Ted Williams: .344 ba, .482 obp-wow, 521 hr, .634 slg, 525 2b, 1839 rbi, 2654 h, 709 career strikeouts (mind boggling for a power hitter at 1 so per every 3.33 games). Did I mention he missed 5 full seasons killing japs and koreans and keeping this country free? Did I mention he hit in one of the worst parks in major league history for pull hitting lefties? Did I mention he played the majority of his career after the color barrier had been broken and before the mound was lowered (1969)? Did I mention the "shift" was invented because of Ted Williams? Again, don't try to argue this one (that means you twinkie!). If he played at "Yankee Stadium" and stayed stateside during WWII and Korea he would have hit at least 800 home runs. Oh yeah, forgot to mention .406!
If anyone else is keeping score at home, YANKEE STADIUM WAS REBUILT ALMOST FROM SCRATCH IN 1974-75! This "renovation" cost $160 million, or about twice as much as what PNC Park cost to build in today's prices. It took two full seasons to "renovate" and the Yankees played in Shea. The Yankees are closing Yankee Stadium II to increase revenue streams that already are number one in the league by a wide margin. Greed chasing more greed. Would you please stop acting like this is some big deal? The stadium is 32 fricking years old. 32 fricking years old!!! Ridiculous. Just Ridiculous.
Anyone remember that the Indians wanted Xavier Nady for Cliff Lee? Wonder if they would take that deal now? That non-move may prove to be almost as bad as passing on Jason Christiansen for Andruw Jones, straight up, in Jones' rookie year. I just threw up in my mouth a little again.
They just showed a clip from 1956. Guess what, that game was played in a stadium that was torn down in 1974!
Why don't they show clips of the biggest CHOKE IN PLAYOFF HISTORY in 2004?
I can't believe we have five more years left on the Fox MLB contract. If I could pick a time period to go def for about five years, now would be that time.
This sucks. MicCarver Sucks (my new spelling). Buck Sucks. Fox Sucks. Yankees Suck. Jeter Sucks. O'Neil sucks. AROD swallows.
MicCarver just said Ichiro is "hands down" the best right fielder since Clemente. Hands Down Timmy? While Ichiro is sweet, I wonder what Reggie Jackson, Tony Gwynn, Dave Winfield, Dave Parker, Andre Dawson, Dwight Evans, Lary Walker, Rusty Staub (Le Grande Orange), MY BOY Harold Baines, and Joe Carter would have to say about that... asshole?
F' it. I am turning this off and going to watch the I am going to watch The Notebook.
Joe Buck just said "Let's hope the game can live up to what we just saw on the field." If what happens during the game is anything like what I just saw, I am turning it off and going to rent The Notebook. I will then watch it nine straight times while sticking sharp metal objects up my rear (which will be only done so I can stomach the worst movie of all time).
Let's See. Where do I start?
Seeing Wade Boggs in a Yankee cap standing next to Gay-Rod (homo juicer) just makes me want to puke. I hate you Wade. Go eat some chicken. 11 of your best 18 years (except for '92) were spent as a Sox until you took less money (after hitting .259 in '92) to sell your soul to to the devil. You were inducted into the Hall of Fame for what you did in Boston not NYC jagoff. You went in as a Red Sox, wear the right cap! ehhh. (FYI Dave Winfield and Gary Carter sported two hats... idiot!)
I just saw George Steinbrenner, one of the biggest assholes in professional sports history, get carted on to the field like he was some great baseball hero to throw out the first pitch (a fellow bluff diver confirmed that he greeted Reggie Jackson with a racial epithet btw). This whole thing is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham... to say the least.
Steinbrenner. WHATTT? The owner?? This owner? I thought this game was supposed to be about players, heroes, memories, etc. Complete bull shit.
Anyone remember in '99 when they carted Teddy Ballgame out to throw the first pitch at Fenway and everybody knew that it would be the last time the greatest hitter of all time (don't even try to argue that one!) would walk on to the true hallowed grounds of Fenway Park? I shed a tear that night. I just heaved my remote against the wall tonight. Leave it to the TRUE EVIL EMPIRE to fudge up the mid-summer classic (like Bud Selig already hasn't done that enough).
If anyone is keeping score at home... Ted Williams: .344 ba, .482 obp-wow, 521 hr, .634 slg, 525 2b, 1839 rbi, 2654 h, 709 career strikeouts (mind boggling for a power hitter at 1 so per every 3.33 games). Did I mention he missed 5 full seasons killing japs and koreans and keeping this country free? Did I mention he hit in one of the worst parks in major league history for pull hitting lefties? Did I mention he played the majority of his career after the color barrier had been broken and before the mound was lowered (1969)? Did I mention the "shift" was invented because of Ted Williams? Again, don't try to argue this one (that means you twinkie!). If he played at "Yankee Stadium" and stayed stateside during WWII and Korea he would have hit at least 800 home runs. Oh yeah, forgot to mention .406!
If anyone else is keeping score at home, YANKEE STADIUM WAS REBUILT ALMOST FROM SCRATCH IN 1974-75! This "renovation" cost $160 million, or about twice as much as what PNC Park cost to build in today's prices. It took two full seasons to "renovate" and the Yankees played in Shea. The Yankees are closing Yankee Stadium II to increase revenue streams that already are number one in the league by a wide margin. Greed chasing more greed. Would you please stop acting like this is some big deal? The stadium is 32 fricking years old. 32 fricking years old!!! Ridiculous. Just Ridiculous.
Anyone remember that the Indians wanted Xavier Nady for Cliff Lee? Wonder if they would take that deal now? That non-move may prove to be almost as bad as passing on Jason Christiansen for Andruw Jones, straight up, in Jones' rookie year. I just threw up in my mouth a little again.
They just showed a clip from 1956. Guess what, that game was played in a stadium that was torn down in 1974!
Why don't they show clips of the biggest CHOKE IN PLAYOFF HISTORY in 2004?
I can't believe we have five more years left on the Fox MLB contract. If I could pick a time period to go def for about five years, now would be that time.
This sucks. MicCarver Sucks (my new spelling). Buck Sucks. Fox Sucks. Yankees Suck. Jeter Sucks. O'Neil sucks. AROD swallows.
MicCarver just said Ichiro is "hands down" the best right fielder since Clemente. Hands Down Timmy? While Ichiro is sweet, I wonder what Reggie Jackson, Tony Gwynn, Dave Winfield, Dave Parker, Andre Dawson, Dwight Evans, Lary Walker, Rusty Staub (Le Grande Orange), MY BOY Harold Baines, and Joe Carter would have to say about that... asshole?
F' it. I am turning this off and going to watch the I am going to watch The Notebook.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Why Interleague Play Sucks and How BluffDivers Plans to Save Baseball!
- Interleague play is the brain child that Alan "Bud" Selig views as his crowing achievement. (Gee, I thought it would be juiced up freaks-brian giles-shooting monkey testosterone up each others butts post locker room shenanigan's for 10 years). It is hands down the worst thing that has ever happened to baseball (other than the Pirates red jerseys and having playgrounds at these new retro parks). Here's why interleague blows: It sort of ruined the world series and definitely ruined the all-star game, it is unfair to teams with and without "natural rivals," its screws up the schedule, it messes with pennant races, it puts American League pitchers in risk of being injured (you try swinging a bat and running the bases after not doing it for 4 months), and last but not least it makes deadline deal cross-league trades less sexy.
- Allow me to bitch a little. Remember 2003? The Aaron Boone game? The worst managed game in baseball history (thanks Grady Little). What people don't know is that game would have been played at Fenway Park had it not been for interleague. The Red Sox had the best record by 3 games over the Yankees against the AMERICAN LEAGUE. All that means was that they were the best team in their league, division, and probably baseball, and should have had home field advantage in the playoffs. They would have had the final say at the plate that game. Enter Bud Selig. Interleague play gave the Sox series against the stalwart Braves and gave the Yankees the "subway series" against the lowly Mets. Two questions remain: 1) How in the superbeing's name are the Braves the Red Sox natural rival? (eh hem they already have one of those Bud and the Braves stopped playing in baseball in Boston when Pops was in high school....a long time ago for those of you that don't know) and 2) When will this all end? The leagues should be separate! They should have separate presidents (Bud eliminated those too)! They already have separate rules, styles of play, ball parks, players, etc. Keep it that way.
- On a side note: Man do playgrounds at ball parks jack me off. I might have the worst case of ADHD ever diagnosed but when I was a kid I couldn't wait to just go to the ballpark and take in the sights and sounds of the greatest sport, game, activity, pastime, and social institution this world has ever known. If you want your kids to go to the playground take them to the fricking playground. Go to the ballpark if you want to teach your child our national treasure, and most importantly, provide him or her with memories that will last a lifetime.
That being said if I were commissioner of MLB heres how I save baseball:
1) Get rid of Interleague Play, immediately. Issue official apologies to everyone that had to suffer through Pirates vs Royals and to those fans whose teams got screwed by Interleague. Looks like I get two apologies, Bud!
2) Shorten the season to 154 games, then play the wild card series on what would have been the last week of the season. This will make the playoff races and regular season more intense and will allow the World Series to end before Christmas.
3) Play playoff day games. Even if maybe only on weekends (including Friday). For those of you that remember them, nothing beats 'em. If they are worried about losing advertising dollars they shouldn't. Imagine the good PR that a company would received if they said "Bluff Divers, bringing day baseball back to America because we love America and America loves day baseball! Game 3 up next from PNC PARK. Catch an all new Maury following the game!
4) Limit the number of bobblehead promotions to 3 per team and force the person whose likeness is being used to have appeared in at least one all-star game and/or have one post-season award and/or have lead the league in one positive category (Sorry Ronny Paulino, your record for hot dogs and nachos consumed during an innning break does not qualify).
5) Force people who buy tickets to bobblehead games either: a) prove they attend at least 10 non-bobblehead games within the last or current season or b) buy tickets to 5 tuesday night games and c) keep score of the game in progress. The same could be said about Fireworks nights.
6) Require all teams to release unsold seats one half hour prior to game time for $5 with a valid or quasi valid student id. Including seats in the club level and home plate area!
7) Get rid of all playgrounds and secondary mascots.
8) Allow select fans to tarp slide during rain delays (I have tarp slid on multiple occasions...its quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done and would be an awesome promotion).
9) BRING BACK BULL PEN CARTS!
10) TAKE TIM MCCARVER AND JOE BUCK AND SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!!! (please also slowly torture Greg Brown). Scratch that, please slowly torture those idiots too!
11) Require all teams to show either Field of Dreams, Natural, Bull Durham or "Enriquo Palaco" clips at all games.
- Allow me to bitch a little. Remember 2003? The Aaron Boone game? The worst managed game in baseball history (thanks Grady Little). What people don't know is that game would have been played at Fenway Park had it not been for interleague. The Red Sox had the best record by 3 games over the Yankees against the AMERICAN LEAGUE. All that means was that they were the best team in their league, division, and probably baseball, and should have had home field advantage in the playoffs. They would have had the final say at the plate that game. Enter Bud Selig. Interleague play gave the Sox series against the stalwart Braves and gave the Yankees the "subway series" against the lowly Mets. Two questions remain: 1) How in the superbeing's name are the Braves the Red Sox natural rival? (eh hem they already have one of those Bud and the Braves stopped playing in baseball in Boston when Pops was in high school....a long time ago for those of you that don't know) and 2) When will this all end? The leagues should be separate! They should have separate presidents (Bud eliminated those too)! They already have separate rules, styles of play, ball parks, players, etc. Keep it that way.
- On a side note: Man do playgrounds at ball parks jack me off. I might have the worst case of ADHD ever diagnosed but when I was a kid I couldn't wait to just go to the ballpark and take in the sights and sounds of the greatest sport, game, activity, pastime, and social institution this world has ever known. If you want your kids to go to the playground take them to the fricking playground. Go to the ballpark if you want to teach your child our national treasure, and most importantly, provide him or her with memories that will last a lifetime.
That being said if I were commissioner of MLB heres how I save baseball:
1) Get rid of Interleague Play, immediately. Issue official apologies to everyone that had to suffer through Pirates vs Royals and to those fans whose teams got screwed by Interleague. Looks like I get two apologies, Bud!
2) Shorten the season to 154 games, then play the wild card series on what would have been the last week of the season. This will make the playoff races and regular season more intense and will allow the World Series to end before Christmas.
3) Play playoff day games. Even if maybe only on weekends (including Friday). For those of you that remember them, nothing beats 'em. If they are worried about losing advertising dollars they shouldn't. Imagine the good PR that a company would received if they said "Bluff Divers, bringing day baseball back to America because we love America and America loves day baseball! Game 3 up next from PNC PARK. Catch an all new Maury following the game!
4) Limit the number of bobblehead promotions to 3 per team and force the person whose likeness is being used to have appeared in at least one all-star game and/or have one post-season award and/or have lead the league in one positive category (Sorry Ronny Paulino, your record for hot dogs and nachos consumed during an innning break does not qualify).
5) Force people who buy tickets to bobblehead games either: a) prove they attend at least 10 non-bobblehead games within the last or current season or b) buy tickets to 5 tuesday night games and c) keep score of the game in progress. The same could be said about Fireworks nights.
6) Require all teams to release unsold seats one half hour prior to game time for $5 with a valid or quasi valid student id. Including seats in the club level and home plate area!
7) Get rid of all playgrounds and secondary mascots.
8) Allow select fans to tarp slide during rain delays (I have tarp slid on multiple occasions...its quite possibly the most fun thing I have ever done and would be an awesome promotion).
9) BRING BACK BULL PEN CARTS!
10) TAKE TIM MCCARVER AND JOE BUCK AND SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!!! (please also slowly torture Greg Brown). Scratch that, please slowly torture those idiots too!
11) Require all teams to show either Field of Dreams, Natural, Bull Durham or "Enriquo Palaco" clips at all games.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
It's been a long time since I left you...with a dope blog to step two.
A PLEDGE TO ALL BLUFF DIVERS....FROM HERE ON FORTH I PROMISE TO BLUFF DIVE AT LEAST ONCE PER WEEK UNTIL THE FALL RECRUITING PERIOD ENDS FOR HOOPS. I WILL THEN GO BLACK! TO BLUFF DIVING AT LEAST TRI-WEEKLY. THAT BEING SAID, A BRIEF EXPLANATION OF MY CONSPICUOUS WHEREABOUTS.....
Top Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging:
1) My Hippie Liberal Bull Shit Hand Me Down Macintosh Computer Sucks.
2) My mind has gone completely numb watching Pirate baseball
3) I am working like a Jamaican with tenteen jobs...booyaca, rasta rasta, falla me, de gyal dem suga
4) Did I mention I have a homosexual computer? FYI I am officially the only registered republican that has a macintosh in their possession
5) I have finally gone blind from spending way too much time with man's best friend....internet porn
6) I have been busy brushing up my game at local college bars...as many of you know this consists mainly of "lies and tequilla." If you were wondering, its like riding a bike. And, when at the pinnacle of its effectiveness, women between the ages of 18-21 cannot defend against it.
7) I have not yet recovered from Kojo Mensah and Shawn James signing agents....on a side note the pot on the bluff must be really good nowadays.
8) I have been doing stunt double work for Mario Lopez.
9) I have taken up jazzercise at the robinson senior center. I am also volunteering at planned parenthood (you can actually do both!)
10) Everytime I see Hillary Cee U Next Tuesday Clinton's chipmunk face on television I vomit for about ten days.....I also have to be restrained from bludgeoning my McGovern voting computer with a baseball bat on a daily basis....
Top Reasons I Have Not Been Blogging:
1) My Hippie Liberal Bull Shit Hand Me Down Macintosh Computer Sucks.
2) My mind has gone completely numb watching Pirate baseball
3) I am working like a Jamaican with tenteen jobs...booyaca, rasta rasta, falla me, de gyal dem suga
4) Did I mention I have a homosexual computer? FYI I am officially the only registered republican that has a macintosh in their possession
5) I have finally gone blind from spending way too much time with man's best friend....internet porn
6) I have been busy brushing up my game at local college bars...as many of you know this consists mainly of "lies and tequilla." If you were wondering, its like riding a bike. And, when at the pinnacle of its effectiveness, women between the ages of 18-21 cannot defend against it.
7) I have not yet recovered from Kojo Mensah and Shawn James signing agents....on a side note the pot on the bluff must be really good nowadays.
8) I have been doing stunt double work for Mario Lopez.
9) I have taken up jazzercise at the robinson senior center. I am also volunteering at planned parenthood (you can actually do both!)
10) Everytime I see Hillary Cee U Next Tuesday Clinton's chipmunk face on television I vomit for about ten days.....I also have to be restrained from bludgeoning my McGovern voting computer with a baseball bat on a daily basis....
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Its Vegas Time...Bluff Divers Style
I just had to shell out $1500 bucks for two root canals.
I just had to shell out $2000 to the federal government cause my last employer botched my taxes and because I pretty much spent my time as a beer rep, well to be honest, drunk, i didn't notice.
I just lost my current job. I was let go by someone who lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Most certainly a left wing conspiracy.
This series of events can only mean one thing...Its time to go on a trip to Vegas! What the hey, I did win my NCAA tourney poll! And while most usually write a journal during or after trips such as these, we at bluff divers know exactly what is going to happen over the next few days. My pre-emptive Day One Vegas journal:
Day One Thursday:
Woke up 7:00 AM. First double absolut and cran 7:02. First ativan 7:04. I then proceeded to the airport where I got "randomly selected" for a full security check. Why this happens every time I go to the airport is beyond me. My only comfort was that the man performing the full body cavity search looks kind of like the G. Gordon Liddy character from Fletch (Its all ball bearings nowadays). After me and Mr. Liddy's latex gloved finger got "friendly" I needed a smoke, but since I couldn't have one and don't smoke I settled for about 6 more double vodka crans and a couple more of ativan. Needless to say, I don't remember much about the flight. Vegas Baby! We'll be up five hundred by midnight!!!
Stpoped at the MGM Grand to lay a hundy on the Dukes to win it all next year. This has to pay out about $15o million. Of which I will donate $5o million to Duquesne to rename the palumbo center The Bluff Divers Dance Party Emporium and Basketball Bonanza Palace. Awesome! (Awesome! is part of the name). I will also ban Fr. Hogan from the newly remodeled digs unless he dawns a full clown costume at all times. I will also build a special suite that is really just a large room with a bar and a hot tub and toss out a special invite to the Dukes cheerleader with the short haircut (you know who Im talking about) that will be my future ex-wife.
Anyways, back to Vegas. I lost an additional $250 at the MGM before heading to my parents time share. I arrived at the time share to find out in order to stay there I have to pass out those porn papers on the street with a guy named simply "El Guapo." Much to my dismay this man was not Rich Garces, although he was quite handsome.
Hit up the pool around 3. There is a 75 year old woman sun bathing at the pool that deserves an honorable mention for the crotch turkey award. I actually think I see a crotch turkey through her two piece. Nice. I may have a chance with her 46 year old divorced daughter Mildred. I am HUGE with the over forty crowd...I am a stud!
Headed back to the casino around 5. Lose $250. Think laying that hundy on the Dukes might have been a bad play. Charge some chips to my credit card, this may not be a good move but why not? Lose $300.
I stole 452 sweet and lows (now drunk and broke) from the casino bar to compensate for the lost money. Think I got them good... I then got roughed up by security as the casino has now decieded to do "radom security checks" to prevent potential terrorist strikes. What the hell is it with these things? I am staying out of the fricking sun. I went to Catholic school my entire life for crying out loud! I might as well throw in the towel and just change my name to Achmed, grow a mustache, and drive around in a white van with no windows listening to Kolky Bulcek albums (bing bong bing bong bing ban)
11:00 PM Back at the condo. took a bubble bath. noticed my clothes were still on. not good, this might ruin my dress hawaiian shirt. not to fear I have brought multiple back ups.
12:00 AM Rebound. Have a martini while eating a tombstone pizza. Double nice. Pass Out.
Realize when I woke up Friday that this was going to be a long trip. Why I decided to stay untill Monday is beyond me. Oh yeah, my buddy's wedding...almost forgot...better get out my special wedding edition hawaiian shirt.
Just if you are wondering... 70000-1 odds on the Dukes. Just guessing of course
I just had to shell out $2000 to the federal government cause my last employer botched my taxes and because I pretty much spent my time as a beer rep, well to be honest, drunk, i didn't notice.
I just lost my current job. I was let go by someone who lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Most certainly a left wing conspiracy.
This series of events can only mean one thing...Its time to go on a trip to Vegas! What the hey, I did win my NCAA tourney poll! And while most usually write a journal during or after trips such as these, we at bluff divers know exactly what is going to happen over the next few days. My pre-emptive Day One Vegas journal:
Day One Thursday:
Woke up 7:00 AM. First double absolut and cran 7:02. First ativan 7:04. I then proceeded to the airport where I got "randomly selected" for a full security check. Why this happens every time I go to the airport is beyond me. My only comfort was that the man performing the full body cavity search looks kind of like the G. Gordon Liddy character from Fletch (Its all ball bearings nowadays). After me and Mr. Liddy's latex gloved finger got "friendly" I needed a smoke, but since I couldn't have one and don't smoke I settled for about 6 more double vodka crans and a couple more of ativan. Needless to say, I don't remember much about the flight. Vegas Baby! We'll be up five hundred by midnight!!!
Stpoped at the MGM Grand to lay a hundy on the Dukes to win it all next year. This has to pay out about $15o million. Of which I will donate $5o million to Duquesne to rename the palumbo center The Bluff Divers Dance Party Emporium and Basketball Bonanza Palace. Awesome! (Awesome! is part of the name). I will also ban Fr. Hogan from the newly remodeled digs unless he dawns a full clown costume at all times. I will also build a special suite that is really just a large room with a bar and a hot tub and toss out a special invite to the Dukes cheerleader with the short haircut (you know who Im talking about) that will be my future ex-wife.
Anyways, back to Vegas. I lost an additional $250 at the MGM before heading to my parents time share. I arrived at the time share to find out in order to stay there I have to pass out those porn papers on the street with a guy named simply "El Guapo." Much to my dismay this man was not Rich Garces, although he was quite handsome.
Hit up the pool around 3. There is a 75 year old woman sun bathing at the pool that deserves an honorable mention for the crotch turkey award. I actually think I see a crotch turkey through her two piece. Nice. I may have a chance with her 46 year old divorced daughter Mildred. I am HUGE with the over forty crowd...I am a stud!
Headed back to the casino around 5. Lose $250. Think laying that hundy on the Dukes might have been a bad play. Charge some chips to my credit card, this may not be a good move but why not? Lose $300.
I stole 452 sweet and lows (now drunk and broke) from the casino bar to compensate for the lost money. Think I got them good... I then got roughed up by security as the casino has now decieded to do "radom security checks" to prevent potential terrorist strikes. What the hell is it with these things? I am staying out of the fricking sun. I went to Catholic school my entire life for crying out loud! I might as well throw in the towel and just change my name to Achmed, grow a mustache, and drive around in a white van with no windows listening to Kolky Bulcek albums (bing bong bing bong bing ban)
11:00 PM Back at the condo. took a bubble bath. noticed my clothes were still on. not good, this might ruin my dress hawaiian shirt. not to fear I have brought multiple back ups.
12:00 AM Rebound. Have a martini while eating a tombstone pizza. Double nice. Pass Out.
Realize when I woke up Friday that this was going to be a long trip. Why I decided to stay untill Monday is beyond me. Oh yeah, my buddy's wedding...almost forgot...better get out my special wedding edition hawaiian shirt.
Just if you are wondering... 70000-1 odds on the Dukes. Just guessing of course
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Pittsburgh Sports Fans...Quite Possibly the Worst!
Sorry for the brief delay....but BLUFF DIVERS IS BACK IN FULL FORCE....
did this a week ago but oh well...
Sun, Beer, Bad Baseball, and Buds....Its got to be Bucco Opening day. With that being said, let me give our mulleted millvale brethren some answers to their concerns about me and how I roll at openers.
did this a week ago but oh well...
Sun, Beer, Bad Baseball, and Buds....Its got to be Bucco Opening day. With that being said, let me give our mulleted millvale brethren some answers to their concerns about me and how I roll at openers.
1) Yes I am wearing a Red Sox jersey. Yes they are the best team in baseball this decade. Go suck on a lemon losers.
2) Yes I am from Pittsburgh. I know you never passed geography class, or even no what geography is, but the last time I checked Greenfield was a suburb IN the city!
3) Yes I am an actual Red Sox FAN....pretty much since birth. Liked Marty Barret just as much as Dustin Pedroia! I am willing to bet that I know more about Red Sox baseball than you do about your beloved Stillers, Buccos, and Pens N' At combined. BTW you mustache sporting, cowher loving bandwagon idiots couldn't pack 3 rivers for baseball playoff games. With fans like that, who needs enemies?
4) No I don't like the Patriots. I don't like the Steelers or the NFL either butt munches. Its one step above studio wrestling. I am wearing a Dukes hat.
5) Yes I attend more Pirate games in a year than most will in their lifetime (I am not afraid to leave my neighborhood or town more than twice a year like most yinzers). I think this gives me a right to wear whatever the hell I want to the games. Also, if the Pirates ever get good, by the way the FREAKING DUQUESNE DUKES HAD A WINNING RECORD, you can all kiss my ass for not going to games other than on bobblehead nights or opening day. Or if Foghat is playing an hour set before the game. Or Styx. Or Charlie Daniels. Or the Clarks. Or the Country Clarks (aka Poverty Neck Hillibillies). Or Donnie Iris. Or Joe Grusheky.
Side Note: The words "Donnie Iris" and "Internationally renowned recording artist" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Ever.
Side Note: The words "Donnie Iris" and "Internationally renowned recording artist" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. Ever.
6) I also am a Duquesne Dukes season ticket holder of 20 plus years. That should allow me to go to all sporting events wearing nothing but black tube socks and a smile if I want to.
Special Thanks to all those who started the "Lets Go Dukes" cheer in the outfield. 2008 baby! Tourney Time! Couple of Diaper Dandies coming in!
Special Thanks to all those who started the "Lets Go Dukes" cheer in the outfield. 2008 baby! Tourney Time! Couple of Diaper Dandies coming in!
7) The Red Sox DO NOT have the highest, second highest, or third highest payroll in baseball. After this year when they dump Schilling they may drop out of the top ten. They have signed players like David Ortiz and Cocoa Crisp for nothing and Pedroia, Papelbon, Youkilis, Buckholtz, Ellsbury, and Varitek (via trade) are all products of their minor league system or smart front office decisions. Pirate fans get this straight, YOUR ENTIRE ORGANIZATION SUCKS AND THEY DONT CARE ABOUT WINNING. You sign Pat Meares, Derrick Bell, KY (not the gel) long term, and develop studs such as JJ Davis and Tike "where is my rental car" Redman. Lick my balls.
8) You know NOTHING about baseball if you boo ARAM and call him a traitor. Please go directly home and put on your back up set of Zubaz immediately. BTW I have never really seen before or since a pre-emptive salary dump since ARAM. Unbelievable.
9) Did I mention that the words "Donnie Iris" and "Internationally renowned recording artist" should never be mentioned in the same sentence. It made my skin crawl to write that again but I wanted to get my point across.
10) Learn how to handle you beer and heckle. Nothing is worse than a bad sports heckler. Nothing is worse than the "fans" in this fricking town.
10) Learn how to handle you beer and heckle. Nothing is worse than a bad sports heckler. Nothing is worse than the "fans" in this fricking town.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Voodoo Child...The REAL reason the Pirates stink!
Many people point to 1993 as the downful of the Pittsburgh Pirates. They look to the departure of Bonds, Bonilla, Smiley, Drabek, etc. as when this once proud franchise took the Hershey Highway straight into the pooper. Some may believe that the Buccos took their turn for the worse when they hired the worst broadcaster in professional sports, Greg Brown, in 1994. Others point to poor free agent signings, horrible marketing faux-pas, money mismanagement, a myriad of bad drafts, a putred minor league development system, and complete ignorance of latin based talent among other reasons this franchise stinks. True yinzers (and yinzers disguising themselves as local media members) like to blame MLB's financial inequities amidst small market teams. These idiots clearly have know idea what they are talking about...go stillers!.
None of these people are even close to being on point. The downfall of the Pittsburgh Pirates can be summed up in two words:
Vincente Palacios
Who? That's right, Vincente Diaz Palacios. Many of you might not know who this is. Many of you do. Born in Manlio Fabio Altamirano, Veracruz de Ignacio de la Llave, Mexico, Vincente Palacios made his Pirates debut as a 24 year old right handed relief pitcher in 1987. Not much was known about the young Mexican fireballer except 1 thing: he openly practiced Voodoo. That's right folks, he openly practiced Voodoo. Are you telling me Jesus Christ couldn't hit a curve ball? Palacios didn't think so. F%^k you Joboo...I do eet my self!
After limited but effective action in 87 and 88, he took a year off from baseball in 1989. Many think it was to sacrifice live "chickens" in his hometown somewhere deep in the Mexican country side. And if you think I mean small mexican children by the word "chickens," you're exactly right. Most believe he spent 1990 in the minor's (although there is no record of him pitching anywhere in the minors) with Bob "Round Tripper" Kipper and Ted "Magnum PI" Power holding down middle relief for the big league club. Let's be honest here, there was an equal shot of him pitching in the minors that year with him spending the year ingesting hallucinagenic plants in the Mayan ruins. I choose choice B.
This brings us to 1991: The Pirates were the best team in baseball, I was the most popular kid in the 6 grade, and Snap had a huge hit with "I Got the Power" (be honest, you just sang that song in your head!). Vincente Palacios was 6-3 that year with a 3.75 ERA and 64 strikouts in 82 innings of middle relief. Not exactly setting the world on fire, but solid enough to lead the Pirates bullpen in innings pitched, rank second in strikeouts and opponents batting average, make 7 spots starts, throw a complete game shutout in an emergency start against the Reds late in the year, and garner three saves (this was before the "hold" statistic was invented).
Then the Pirates management team struck a deal with the devil. Inexplicably, Vincente Palacios was left off the post-season roster for the likes of Bob Patterson, Rosario Rodriguez, and Roger Mason. A pre-NLCS interview with Palacios turned into an incoherant rant on local news outlets (I remember this vividly as a pre-teen). There were some small rumblings from the fans but not many people made much of it. No one back then made a bid deal about middle relief. I distinctly remember thinking that Palacios was going to put a voodoo hex on the Pirates that year and voiced these concerns to my 6th grade chums.
This curse will forever be known as:
THE CURSE OF VINCENTE PALACIOS!!!
The following year, and last year the Pirates had a winning season, Palacios again was left of the post-season roster. The curse was alive and growing. Sid Bream, Francisco Cabrera, and a heart wrenching ninth inning game seven loss would only be the commencement of the torment that Bucco fans would have to faced for the next 15 seasons.
You have every right to say I am out of my mind. But Palacios would virtually disappear from baseball following a year off in 93 (more sacrifices no doubt) and 94-95 with the Cards until....
None of these people are even close to being on point. The downfall of the Pittsburgh Pirates can be summed up in two words:
Vincente Palacios
Who? That's right, Vincente Diaz Palacios. Many of you might not know who this is. Many of you do. Born in Manlio Fabio Altamirano, Veracruz de Ignacio de la Llave, Mexico, Vincente Palacios made his Pirates debut as a 24 year old right handed relief pitcher in 1987. Not much was known about the young Mexican fireballer except 1 thing: he openly practiced Voodoo. That's right folks, he openly practiced Voodoo. Are you telling me Jesus Christ couldn't hit a curve ball? Palacios didn't think so. F%^k you Joboo...I do eet my self!
After limited but effective action in 87 and 88, he took a year off from baseball in 1989. Many think it was to sacrifice live "chickens" in his hometown somewhere deep in the Mexican country side. And if you think I mean small mexican children by the word "chickens," you're exactly right. Most believe he spent 1990 in the minor's (although there is no record of him pitching anywhere in the minors) with Bob "Round Tripper" Kipper and Ted "Magnum PI" Power holding down middle relief for the big league club. Let's be honest here, there was an equal shot of him pitching in the minors that year with him spending the year ingesting hallucinagenic plants in the Mayan ruins. I choose choice B.
This brings us to 1991: The Pirates were the best team in baseball, I was the most popular kid in the 6 grade, and Snap had a huge hit with "I Got the Power" (be honest, you just sang that song in your head!). Vincente Palacios was 6-3 that year with a 3.75 ERA and 64 strikouts in 82 innings of middle relief. Not exactly setting the world on fire, but solid enough to lead the Pirates bullpen in innings pitched, rank second in strikeouts and opponents batting average, make 7 spots starts, throw a complete game shutout in an emergency start against the Reds late in the year, and garner three saves (this was before the "hold" statistic was invented).
Then the Pirates management team struck a deal with the devil. Inexplicably, Vincente Palacios was left off the post-season roster for the likes of Bob Patterson, Rosario Rodriguez, and Roger Mason. A pre-NLCS interview with Palacios turned into an incoherant rant on local news outlets (I remember this vividly as a pre-teen). There were some small rumblings from the fans but not many people made much of it. No one back then made a bid deal about middle relief. I distinctly remember thinking that Palacios was going to put a voodoo hex on the Pirates that year and voiced these concerns to my 6th grade chums.
This curse will forever be known as:
THE CURSE OF VINCENTE PALACIOS!!!
The following year, and last year the Pirates had a winning season, Palacios again was left of the post-season roster. The curse was alive and growing. Sid Bream, Francisco Cabrera, and a heart wrenching ninth inning game seven loss would only be the commencement of the torment that Bucco fans would have to faced for the next 15 seasons.
You have every right to say I am out of my mind. But Palacios would virtually disappear from baseball following a year off in 93 (more sacrifices no doubt) and 94-95 with the Cards until....
Spring of 2000. Sophomore year in college: I never made mention of this curse, for fear of somewhow inflicting its Voodoo upon me. Since I already had to deal with Them almost everyday, there was no way I needed a Voodoo hex in my life.
A buddy of mine, known only as Rick Shaw, and I decided to take in a Wednesday night affair at Three Rivers against the Padres, oddly enough the only team with religious undertones in its name. It was Wednesday April 26th, 2000. I still have the score card. I wrote on the card, "Man is Jimmy Anderson Fat." We were sitting on the first base side keeping score and drinking beer. Good times. Great Friends. Good Oldies. We inevitably started talking about whats wrong with the Bucs. After arguing for a couple of innings, I broke every superstitious bone in my body and mentioned The Curse of Vincente Palacios. Rick said that I was completely out of my mind.
The bottom of the eigth rolls around. Last call we grabbed a couple of could ones, making plans for a trip to Kopy's because, hey, we were business majors. The pa announcer then gets on the mic, "Now pitching for the Padres, Vincente Palacios." It was his first appearance in the major leagues 5 years. He "retired" one week later.
You tell me who is fricking out of their mind?
The Curse Lives
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Classic "Other Guys" (Part 2)
In what will be come an ongoing Bluff Divers Series...Classic Other Guys (Part 2):
1) Larry Dallas (Richard Kline)- Greasy, sweaty, leisure suit Larry Dallas was the perfect "Other Guy" to light in the loafers but reluctantly hetero Jack Tripper in the classic 3 AM Nick at Night series, Threes Company. Always in a gold chain and always ready to swing, Larry Dallas would never pass up the chance to give Crissy a back rub! But I still would rather do Janet...She might be a classic "Other Girl!"
1) Larry Dallas (Richard Kline)- Greasy, sweaty, leisure suit Larry Dallas was the perfect "Other Guy" to light in the loafers but reluctantly hetero Jack Tripper in the classic 3 AM Nick at Night series, Threes Company. Always in a gold chain and always ready to swing, Larry Dallas would never pass up the chance to give Crissy a back rub! But I still would rather do Janet...She might be a classic "Other Girl!"
2) Daffy Duck- No other character in cartoons, movies, sports, real life, and telelvision do I identify more with than Daffy Duck. Talented, handsome, at times misunderstood. Loud, obnoxious, argumentative, volatile. Its almost scary how much this character is like me. He is constantly losing to a smug counterpart in Bugs and, to make a complete understatement, THEY love to get Daffy duck. He also gets bonus points for one of the best disgruntled scowls of all time!
3) Major Healy (Bill Daily)- He gets Other Guy legend status merely for getting to hang out with the hottest women every to walk the earth, the Jeannie (aka Barbara Eden). He was also rumored to be nailing her on the side which in my mind puts him into the realm of immortality. Unfortunately he was also rumored to be nailing Major Nelson which brings him down a noch, but not by much. I would bang Major Nelson to get 19 seconds with the Jeannie. By the way, Barbara Eden is like 1000 years old (ironically the same age as Jeannie) and I would still totally do her.
4) Jermaine Jackson- ahh...this could be my favorite Other Guy of all time. This guy was the "that guy" of other guys! The sad thing is Jermaine actually had a lot of talent...just not as much as his younger brother. He must have felt much like my older brothers did growing up, drastically inadequate. But lets give him props for his solid fro, "Let's Get Serious," "Daddy's Home," and for marrying Barry Gordy's daughter. He also managed to not become a complete freakazoid like Michael.
5) Paul from Cheers (Paul Wilson)- Many of you know Paul as one of the Bobs from Office Space. Needless to say I am a Michael Bolton fan! Nevertheless, Paul was one of the cronies at the Bull n' Finch (Cheers' real name) that I wish they would have developed more. He really only gets play in three episodes: 1) He dates a hot chick who is a "chubby chaser" which frustrates Sammy 2) He misses all the hijinx and feels left out by the gang 3) Comforts Rebecca before she leaves Robin Colcort on the altar ("did you talk to Paul"). All great stuff from an all time great Other Guy!
5) Paul from Cheers (Paul Wilson)- Many of you know Paul as one of the Bobs from Office Space. Needless to say I am a Michael Bolton fan! Nevertheless, Paul was one of the cronies at the Bull n' Finch (Cheers' real name) that I wish they would have developed more. He really only gets play in three episodes: 1) He dates a hot chick who is a "chubby chaser" which frustrates Sammy 2) He misses all the hijinx and feels left out by the gang 3) Comforts Rebecca before she leaves Robin Colcort on the altar ("did you talk to Paul"). All great stuff from an all time great Other Guy!
MORE TO COME FROM CLASSIC OTHER GUYS + CLASSIC OTHER GUYS IN SPORTS!
Oh where o where has my bluff divers gone? Partial Reader Mail Bag #3
-Where have you been? No posts in like a week! What's going on?
In order to delay my eventual lay-off from Triumph Douchebags, LLC., I have taken a brief hiatus from at-work bluff diving. Once let go by these ass munches I will be able to devote full effort into Bluff Divers nation. I am planning on taking BDs international in my quest to be the next Hasselhoff (btw great other guy: The Black Guy from Baywatch!) However, I have remained strong in my other areas of interest including but not limited to: annoying my friends and family, breaking out in echsima, drinking, pleasuring myself, Redsox baseball, my man-crush on Nomar!, hot pockets, general insanity, and the mis-treatment of the fairer sex. I will be back to full time bluff diving in a week or two.
-How 'ya doing in your poll?
Winner winner chicken dinner. The irony is my poll was really strong because I picked the Big East to choke (easy) but I would have clinched after weekend one (yes, weekend one) if I would have not switched Villanova at the last second. I might have won national polls had the A-10 not let me down in round one! Picking 27 of 32 first round games, 14 of 16 sweet sixteen, 7 of 8 elite eight, and 3 of 4 final four teams just goes to show you how sweet I really am!
-Is the Big East really overrated? If ESPN is the reason this is true, aren't the Red Sox and Yankees (and their rivalry) overrated too?
Are you personally trying to piss me off? First off the Big East is WAY overrated. This "super-conference" is basically a creation of the cable networks that single handedly tried to deplete and/or ruin two other good basketball conferences, the Eastern Eight (predeccesor of the A10) and Conference USA. Memphis might laugh their way to a national title! Due yourself a small favor and look up national titles, head to head league matchups, pro-sports stars from the Big East compared to other conferences, fan attendance, etc. and ESPECIALLY this years tournament performance and you will find the Big East WAY behind some of the other conferences historically and currently. There is NO way they deserve 8 teams in the tourney...ever. Eight teams in the tourney, 1 in the elite eight, 0 in the final four. Enough said. Do yourself another favor and attend an ACC game (any except for the former Big East schools) and then go to a Big East game the next day...and then tell me which conference is better in terms of style of play, level of play, atmoshpere, etc. Its not even close folks.
Here is they deal. The Red Sox and Yankees are overhyped not overrated. Professional sports is decided by play on the field and "rankings," clearly guided by media bias, have no effect on post-season play and/or the eventual champion. So you cannot truly overrate a pro-team as its success is determined ONLY by its play. You can overhype a pro-team, which ESPN does to a lot of teams so kiss me where the pampers are. Regardless, "overrating" or "overhyping" has no calculated or proven effect on outcome in any pro-sports, except for maybe influincing officials and umpires (see 1999 ALCS), so your answer is no!
Side Note: The fact that the media has any part in deciding a champion (seeding and at-large bids) is the biggest downfall in college athletics. This is why the tournament should not be seeded and only include conference champions and second place "wild card" finishers within each conference. Then and only then can you crown a true champ. This would also due wonders to spreading the talent around to different teams (like the Dukes) because every team would be basically on an equal playing field in terms of making it to post-season play. Regular season play would be massively more important and conference play would be fantastic. This would make the NCAA a true champion of amateur athletics.
Back to your questions: The Red Sox are the best team in baseball, on the field, the last five years (and one of the best franchises in history) and the Yankees are the winningest franchise, on the field, in all of pro-sports (as much as it pains me to admit that). Kind of hard to overrate those two teams performance-wise although its very easy to overrate players (...see Phil Rizzouto, Mantle, Mattingly, Guidry, Jeter, etc.).
The Yankees vs. Red Sox rivalry existed prior to the advent of television and before even the first radio broadcast...so you cannot argue that ESPN and/or the national media had any effect on its inception. The close proximatey of the cities to each other and the fact that the two teams dominated the sport (particularly the BOSOX) at its inception, made this rivalry what it is today...tits.
It is the greatest (and only true) rivaly in PRO SPORTS today as these two teams actually hate each other (which is hard to find in this day and age), and the rivalry overwhemingly capitvates 9 states, nevermind the rest of the country.
SO NO....RED SOX vs. YANKEES IS NOT OVERRATED AND THE BIG EAST SUCKS!
Is Shawn James going pro?
No. At least not to the NBA. A lot of players test the water by declaring themselves eligible for the draft to get the league's assesment of where they will be drafted. Shawn James won't be drafted so I don't forsee him signing an agent other than Swiftus Lazarus any time soon. FYI, He is not on one reputable draft board as going in either the first two rounds. He could play in Europe if he wants to and since he is 24 years old this may be an option, especially since he is getting married and is injury prone. My gut tells me he will come back for his final year regardless to try to improve his draft standing (first rounders get three years guaranteed money) and/or make his European contract as large as possible. Teflon Ron has not signed one post-player to replace James and or Archara, so if he leaves the Dukes will be in trouble.
In order to delay my eventual lay-off from Triumph Douchebags, LLC., I have taken a brief hiatus from at-work bluff diving. Once let go by these ass munches I will be able to devote full effort into Bluff Divers nation. I am planning on taking BDs international in my quest to be the next Hasselhoff (btw great other guy: The Black Guy from Baywatch!) However, I have remained strong in my other areas of interest including but not limited to: annoying my friends and family, breaking out in echsima, drinking, pleasuring myself, Redsox baseball, my man-crush on Nomar!, hot pockets, general insanity, and the mis-treatment of the fairer sex. I will be back to full time bluff diving in a week or two.
-How 'ya doing in your poll?
Winner winner chicken dinner. The irony is my poll was really strong because I picked the Big East to choke (easy) but I would have clinched after weekend one (yes, weekend one) if I would have not switched Villanova at the last second. I might have won national polls had the A-10 not let me down in round one! Picking 27 of 32 first round games, 14 of 16 sweet sixteen, 7 of 8 elite eight, and 3 of 4 final four teams just goes to show you how sweet I really am!
-Is the Big East really overrated? If ESPN is the reason this is true, aren't the Red Sox and Yankees (and their rivalry) overrated too?
Are you personally trying to piss me off? First off the Big East is WAY overrated. This "super-conference" is basically a creation of the cable networks that single handedly tried to deplete and/or ruin two other good basketball conferences, the Eastern Eight (predeccesor of the A10) and Conference USA. Memphis might laugh their way to a national title! Due yourself a small favor and look up national titles, head to head league matchups, pro-sports stars from the Big East compared to other conferences, fan attendance, etc. and ESPECIALLY this years tournament performance and you will find the Big East WAY behind some of the other conferences historically and currently. There is NO way they deserve 8 teams in the tourney...ever. Eight teams in the tourney, 1 in the elite eight, 0 in the final four. Enough said. Do yourself another favor and attend an ACC game (any except for the former Big East schools) and then go to a Big East game the next day...and then tell me which conference is better in terms of style of play, level of play, atmoshpere, etc. Its not even close folks.
Here is they deal. The Red Sox and Yankees are overhyped not overrated. Professional sports is decided by play on the field and "rankings," clearly guided by media bias, have no effect on post-season play and/or the eventual champion. So you cannot truly overrate a pro-team as its success is determined ONLY by its play. You can overhype a pro-team, which ESPN does to a lot of teams so kiss me where the pampers are. Regardless, "overrating" or "overhyping" has no calculated or proven effect on outcome in any pro-sports, except for maybe influincing officials and umpires (see 1999 ALCS), so your answer is no!
Side Note: The fact that the media has any part in deciding a champion (seeding and at-large bids) is the biggest downfall in college athletics. This is why the tournament should not be seeded and only include conference champions and second place "wild card" finishers within each conference. Then and only then can you crown a true champ. This would also due wonders to spreading the talent around to different teams (like the Dukes) because every team would be basically on an equal playing field in terms of making it to post-season play. Regular season play would be massively more important and conference play would be fantastic. This would make the NCAA a true champion of amateur athletics.
Back to your questions: The Red Sox are the best team in baseball, on the field, the last five years (and one of the best franchises in history) and the Yankees are the winningest franchise, on the field, in all of pro-sports (as much as it pains me to admit that). Kind of hard to overrate those two teams performance-wise although its very easy to overrate players (...see Phil Rizzouto, Mantle, Mattingly, Guidry, Jeter, etc.).
The Yankees vs. Red Sox rivalry existed prior to the advent of television and before even the first radio broadcast...so you cannot argue that ESPN and/or the national media had any effect on its inception. The close proximatey of the cities to each other and the fact that the two teams dominated the sport (particularly the BOSOX) at its inception, made this rivalry what it is today...tits.
It is the greatest (and only true) rivaly in PRO SPORTS today as these two teams actually hate each other (which is hard to find in this day and age), and the rivalry overwhemingly capitvates 9 states, nevermind the rest of the country.
SO NO....RED SOX vs. YANKEES IS NOT OVERRATED AND THE BIG EAST SUCKS!
Is Shawn James going pro?
No. At least not to the NBA. A lot of players test the water by declaring themselves eligible for the draft to get the league's assesment of where they will be drafted. Shawn James won't be drafted so I don't forsee him signing an agent other than Swiftus Lazarus any time soon. FYI, He is not on one reputable draft board as going in either the first two rounds. He could play in Europe if he wants to and since he is 24 years old this may be an option, especially since he is getting married and is injury prone. My gut tells me he will come back for his final year regardless to try to improve his draft standing (first rounders get three years guaranteed money) and/or make his European contract as large as possible. Teflon Ron has not signed one post-player to replace James and or Archara, so if he leaves the Dukes will be in trouble.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Classic "Other Guys" (Part One)
Ahhh...The American Dream! Being a Superstar, Dreamboat, Swooner, Sweet Heart, Loverboy! Press Clippings, TV Shows, Endorsements, Women, Booze, Mansions, Hanging Out With Other Celebs, Scandal, Servants, Good Times, Great Oldies... Popularity Beyond Your Wildest Imagination...
THESE ARE NOT THESE GUYS....
THESE ARE THE "OTHER GUYS."
Bluff Divers 2 part Series of "Classic Other Guys" in pop culture.
1) John Oates- Talent, Quintessential 80's Stache, playing 2nd fiddle to Daryl Hall. What else could you want out of life? His blatently homo-erotic performance in the "Jingle Bell Rock" video may be the greatest single moment in music video history. Unfortunately, he also holds the distinguised recognition as having one of the top five mustache removals of all time.
2) Andrew Ridgeley aka "The Other Guy From Wham"- This guy made millions by playing pocket pool with George Michael. The question remains, why did he ever stop? Any guy who is referred to "The Other Guy" in the first person has to be high on this list! Somewhere out there he is at an "alternative" bar in England wearing flourescent pink shorts, gloves, and a choose life sweatshirt. I think he was soley responsible for such ground breaking lyrics as "you put the blue skies into my day, you make the sunshine brighter than Doris Day." Who would of ever guessed these guys were hob knob gobblers with hetero-suggestive lyrics like that?
3) AC #1....Albert Clifford Slater (Mario Lopez)- Where's Zack Morris now...eh? Probably serving drinks at Applebee's. I would pay a hefty fee to see AC wrestle Niedick one more time!!! Slater was always number one in the hearts of Brown-Americans like me. His new found fame is well deserved and well worth the wait. If he re-grew his Jerry-Mullet, sported some wrestling tights, and (of course) started dating Elizabeth Berkley, all would seem right with the world (By the way, Spano is my Mano, I don't back Zack!!!)
4) AC #2....Al Cowlings..."I'm AC dammit, you know who I am!" Anyone who hung out with "The Juice" on a regular basis and lead the entire country on a 30 mph car chase is ok in my book. He is currently helping OJ search for the real killer on golf courses and high-end restaraunts across the country. He needs to go on Dancing with the Stars like AC #1... "This is AC dammit, this ain't no damn Taaango!"
5) Richard Milhouse "Boner" Stabbone (Josh Koenig)....Mike Seaver may have married his hot girlfriend from the show (not the blond PMOY but the brunett), found Jeebus, and gotten all the pub, but Boner got the greatest T.V. nickname of all time. Plus his real name was Dick, so you know he's sweet. I'll tell you what, I would love to hang out with Boner and Canada's own Alan Thicke at the same time. BTW I swear that Boner is now working at Arby's in Robinson. He also gets big Boner poinits for nailing Carol Seaver.
For amusement purposes only: Check Out This Classic Other Guy Video (click play twice):
THESE ARE NOT THESE GUYS....
THESE ARE THE "OTHER GUYS."
Bluff Divers 2 part Series of "Classic Other Guys" in pop culture.
1) John Oates- Talent, Quintessential 80's Stache, playing 2nd fiddle to Daryl Hall. What else could you want out of life? His blatently homo-erotic performance in the "Jingle Bell Rock" video may be the greatest single moment in music video history. Unfortunately, he also holds the distinguised recognition as having one of the top five mustache removals of all time.
2) Andrew Ridgeley aka "The Other Guy From Wham"- This guy made millions by playing pocket pool with George Michael. The question remains, why did he ever stop? Any guy who is referred to "The Other Guy" in the first person has to be high on this list! Somewhere out there he is at an "alternative" bar in England wearing flourescent pink shorts, gloves, and a choose life sweatshirt. I think he was soley responsible for such ground breaking lyrics as "you put the blue skies into my day, you make the sunshine brighter than Doris Day." Who would of ever guessed these guys were hob knob gobblers with hetero-suggestive lyrics like that?
3) AC #1....Albert Clifford Slater (Mario Lopez)- Where's Zack Morris now...eh? Probably serving drinks at Applebee's. I would pay a hefty fee to see AC wrestle Niedick one more time!!! Slater was always number one in the hearts of Brown-Americans like me. His new found fame is well deserved and well worth the wait. If he re-grew his Jerry-Mullet, sported some wrestling tights, and (of course) started dating Elizabeth Berkley, all would seem right with the world (By the way, Spano is my Mano, I don't back Zack!!!)
4) AC #2....Al Cowlings..."I'm AC dammit, you know who I am!" Anyone who hung out with "The Juice" on a regular basis and lead the entire country on a 30 mph car chase is ok in my book. He is currently helping OJ search for the real killer on golf courses and high-end restaraunts across the country. He needs to go on Dancing with the Stars like AC #1... "This is AC dammit, this ain't no damn Taaango!"
5) Richard Milhouse "Boner" Stabbone (Josh Koenig)....Mike Seaver may have married his hot girlfriend from the show (not the blond PMOY but the brunett), found Jeebus, and gotten all the pub, but Boner got the greatest T.V. nickname of all time. Plus his real name was Dick, so you know he's sweet. I'll tell you what, I would love to hang out with Boner and Canada's own Alan Thicke at the same time. BTW I swear that Boner is now working at Arby's in Robinson. He also gets big Boner poinits for nailing Carol Seaver.
For amusement purposes only: Check Out This Classic Other Guy Video (click play twice):
Monday, March 24, 2008
Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis...Classic Real News Cast!
This Is A Test Clip to See if Videos Work on Bluff Divers! You have to click play twice!
"Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis were Proud to Show It Off!"
Red Sox to kick off season tomorrow at 6:AM....This will give you chills!
Ray, people will come, Ray.
They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway, not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. "Of course, we won't mind if you have a look around," you'll say. "It's only twenty dollars per person." They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it; for it is money they have and peace they lack.
And they'll walk out to the bleachers, and sit in shirt-sleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game, and it'll be as if they'd dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick, they'll have to brush them away from their faces.
The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
Ohhhhhhhh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.
LET'S GO SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Streaming (March) Madness!...
She Bluff Dives
THURSDAY's with Thorton: A stream of consciousness (sort of) account of the Tourney Day One! The first in Bluff Diver History!
-Making a last second move and switch Villanova and Clemson for the Sweet 16, Texas and Memphis for the Final Four (this will come back to haunt me I am sure).
-I am taking a half day off at work to watch the tourney. I tell my boss I am "leaving with my family to visit my grandparents for the blessed holiday." Praise Jeebus. In actuality I am driving to Pike Distributing to pick up four cases of beer for the weekend's festivities. Molson Canadian, Yuengling, Coors Light, and IC light. Balanced choices.
-Tip-off. At this point I am sitting alone at my house with four cases of beer, a handle of VO and bottle of tequila, a legal pad to take down notes for Bluff Divers, and a whole bunch of issues only my therapist can deal with. I am in deep, deep trouble as I learn none of the other Bluff Divers are taking off work to hang out. What happened to us and when did we get old?
-Temple is getting shoved around by MSU like a wife who's 50 year old husband just got back from happy hour. The cops (refs) refuse to press charges as the husband probably donates to the policeman's ball (see NCAA tournament). I am on my fourth beer.
-I have come to the realization that I would like hang out with the Georgia cheerleaders. I am thinking this has to be a good time. Perhaps they enjoy bluff diving. I have also come to the realization that the A-10 might be the # 7 RPI conference in basketball, but it is more like #28 when it comes to cheerleaders. The Dukettes blue valor jump suits and corpulent antics don't help this ranking.
-I am thinking that the coolest thing about being black is being able to go bald gracefully. Forget dunking or rhythm, I got one of those down. I am also thinking that it would be really cool to hang out with Isaac from the Love Boat. I am on beer eight. Whatever happened to him? Wasn't he Billy D. Williams half brother? Make that beer nine.
-Xavier is pulling out this win. They are so solid from the line and fundamentally sound on defense. I am going to pause now to do a shot of VO. Man does Sean Miller have a big set grapes using his last time out at 1:30. I like this move. I like grapes. Speaking of pulling, I may have time to look up some "literature" on the Internet before the Pitt game starts.
-By the way, Georgia beat 4 top-50 teams in a week and won a bcs conference championship, they shouldn't be a 14 seed. How does Xavier get hosed with this match up? Holy crap, as I was writing that, they just said that there had never been a 14 seed from the SEC and Xavier got a raw deal. I am so on t.v. right now. Xavier wins! VO shot #2. Beer ten.
-Pitt's spanking Oral Roberts (real toughie). Don't worry, they'll choke against MSU. I am surprised I don't see all of the "I like ORAL.....roberts" t-shirts sold on bluff divers. What the heck. Let's do one for the queen...VO #3
-Caught some Kentucky vs. Marquette highlights. MAN, I hate Tom Crean...but I kind of like him because everybody hates him so much!
-Have you seen this DiGiorno commercial? The big fat ass ordering pizza to his milf wife as he and his friends (the quintessential token black guy and good looking white friend) watch the game from their back yard? This commercial is sweet becuase in real life the only way that this broad would be married to this chubby slab of lard would be if his two friends were chinese fingertrapping her every time he left for work. I think next year I am going to try to watch March Madness in my back yard with a black friend and good looking white guy. I heard Isaac from the Love Boat and Jefferson Darcy are available. Maybe I'll get a hot wife...who likes Bulgarian Sausage Pizza. Right now I am drinking by myself so I would take anybody at this point.
-I don't know why, but I am going to order a pizza now. Lost track of beers. Think its at 14.
-I am wasted at this point and I notice that the ball boys/sweat moppers are like 60 years old. I would love to do this in 30 years. I finally have something to shoot for. I think I am going to call my shrink.
-I just called Sally Balls (cuomo) because my shrink's not available. I also was looking at the classic picture of me, him, and the Young Mule Cock aka Young MC (soon to be the Married Mule Cock) in full life-jacket gear and mustaches at the 2001 Jimmy Buffet concert. No doubt the gear in this picture is a predecessor to current Bluff Divers Regalia. Looking at that picture is like seeing The Who when they were the High Numbers. Genius was about to be born. I was going to give him the classic Bud Light "I love you man" but he tells me to "don't be dramatic." It works. At least beer 18. Do a shot of VO for Sally.
-Dick Vitale calls A-10 player of the year candidate, Temple's Dionte Christmas, "Reece Christmas." Lot's of love for the A-10. At least he could have called him Lloyd. Duke is going to win this game at the end because they get every fricking close call, so I might just put Dumb and Dumber on.
-Doug Gottlieb used the word enigmatic. From an OSU grad, that's impressive. I wonder if he knows what it means? At this point, I don't know what it means.
-I have confirmation that one of my many problems may be booze. Three cases remain.
-Belmont gets hosed. Man I hate Duke. I am going to have a dance party with Maggie. The A-Team theme song might get my spirits up at this point.
-Night Cap Time!
-I am going to bed...
-Over/Under on PAP's (panic attack pills) is 2.5. Can't wait for tomorrow!!!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Bluff Divers Worst Sports Films of All Time!
In order to fill the time up between now and when the tourney starts....here is my list of the worst sports movies of all time:
10) The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh- Not even Doctor J (6'5,'' with the afro 6'9''), vinatage shots of the Civic Arena, and classic 70's disco montages save this picture. It's not the worst of all time because in some ways its sooooo bad that it becomes highly entertaining. Movie gets a little bit of credit due to bluff divers' bridging-the-gap encounter with an original cast member at an "ethnic-urban" bar in Cleveland prior to a 2001 Clapton concert. A complete dance routine from the film was performed after several shots of tequilla with the cast member and the bartender.
9) Talledega Nights- This movie would be much much higher on the list if NASCAR were actually a sport. Can't wait untill a few more bad films so we can start referring to Will Ferrell's career moves as "pulling a Chevy." Remember when he was actually funny?
8) The Scout- Man is this movie bad. Steve Nebraska? You can't come up with a better name than Steve Nebraska? Not only is his acting atrocious, but Brendan Frasier throws like a fricking girl. You drop tons of loot on being able to use the MLB logos, Yankee Stadium, etc. and you can't pick an actor that can actually throw a baseball? How this movie gets to use Yankee Stadium and Major League was forced to shoot in Miluakee instead of Cleveland is beyond me. This picture would be way higher on the list if it wasn't for solid cameos by Bret Saberhagen and Keith Hernandez's mustache.
7) Slap Shot- I know this is going to be a controversial pick, but much like Peter Griffin and the Godfather, I just can't make it through the whole picture. This movie was hilarious when I was ten and had the same level of mental capacity as most adult hockey players. Watch it now and try to tell me that Paul Newman isn't better suited making salad dressing. Plus its about ice hockey, a sport which about 1% of people who say they enjoy this movie have actually played.
6) Radio- football movies should be about football and re-re movies should be about re-res. Go see What's Eating Gilbert Grape instead if you want to see a good picture about neck biters.
5) Rocky V- let me preface this by saying I love this movie...but to be fair, it is really really extremely bad. The fake Don King and his "hit me and I'll sue" stuff is priceless cinematography. Tommy Gunn (who now claims he doesn't have AIDS by the way) has a great mullet and Cousin Pauley is extra drunk. On second thought, this movie may be the best sports movie of all time!!!
4) The remake of The Longest Yard- I would love to post comments about this movie but I legitimately made it through about 15 minutes before I turned it off. I almost had to leave the room because I was so angry about actually purchasing this On Demand. That is $3.99 and 15 minutes of my life I can never have back. The original is solid which prevents this from being the worst of all time.
3) Caddyshack II- Wow. What can I say about Jack Hartoonian and crew. I will say that I am so happy that I saw Caddyshack II before the first one because it made the first film that much better. Not only is it a bad sports movie and comedy, it may be the worst sequel this side of Porky's II. Look to the release of this movie to pinpoint the exact date that Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd stopped being funny.
2) The Next Karate Kid- Karate Kid movies are like BJs and Pizza, now matter how bad it may be, you keep coming back for more. But come on with this one! Are you telling me Ralph Macchio and Chaz Osborne weren't available for work? You have to get Hillary "Y chromosome" Swank for this one? And what's with the whole eagle on the building and bald monks thing? I just don't get that. Mr. Miagi teaching a chick to dance before the prom using Karate moves? I would have rather seen him dance with good old Danny Larusso! How about pair up with Van Damme and the Brazillian Capuella kids from "Only the Strong?" Anything but The Next Karate Kid.
1) Fever Pitch-It actually angers me that the Red Sox allowed this piece of dribble to be made. It is the only thing that has ever made me question my allegiance to Red Sox Nation. Made an absolute mockery of being a Red Sox fan and starred two of the most abnoxious people on the planet, Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. Its a travesty of a "sports movie" and has not one funny moment. What, you think by quoting stats everybody on the planet knows you would be sweet? Wrong! I get mad just thinking about it. You let these two a-holes run on the field after your first World Series in 86 years? How 'bout you let a Jimmy Fund kid do that instead? Garbage. At least they could have put Horatio Sans in the movie as a stoner Southie! To make matters worse, everyone I know said this movie was the greatest and I would love it because I am a Red Sox fan...they still do. That's wrong again! I would rather watch a re-occuring loop of Hope Floats and Fried Green Tomatoes for six days straight than have to see one more glimpse of this movie!
Reader Mail Bag #2
Always Devoted to my Loyal Legion of Bluff Divers.... (these are all actual questions this time!)
Q: What's the big deal about performing enhancing drugs? I use them all time... for sex! Their called rumpleminze and tequilla!
A: Amen! Like I have always said, nothing complements a nice batch of lies like a good shot of tequilla (and vice versa). And we all know that the drunker I get, the better looking I become. To your point however, I am so sick of hearing about steroids that I think they should let these guys use whatever the heck they want...what the hey? They already do it in the NFL and the networks are paid not to report it. The point of sports, moves, music, etc. is to entertain us and what would be more entertaining than a bunch of muscle bound freaks hopped up on amphetamines ripping down backboards or breaking bats over their legs (see Bo Jackson and Jerome Lane). To quote Needle Nose Ned the Head, "It's all one big crap shoot anywho." I would love to see the All Steroid League sponsored by Bluff Divers.
Q: Who is your big tourney upset pick?
A: Well, that all depends. If I don't prescribe to gambling, my picks are typically dead locks. Twice in my life I did not enter a money poll and both times I had under four losses for the entire tourney, picked the final four, and the eventual winner. That being said in the first round I love San Diego over UCONN, Temple over MSU, Villanova over Clemson (they have to be pissed about the lack of respect they are getting, right?) and Kentucky over Marquette.
Q: What will you right about when basketball season is over?
A: First of all, nice spelling. Its "write" not "right." But for those of you that know me, I will have plenty to blabber about. In addition, the sport that was hand picked by the Superbeing as its #1 favorite, baseball, is set to begin as my beloved Bosox take on the "Moneyballs" in Japan next week (if they pay the coaches the $40 g's they were supposed to). I also intend to invite a guest columnist once per week.
Q: You should have a vote for the Bluff Divers "got of the month." The first "gotm" should be my ex-girlfriend getting a job with my company. "They" love to get me!
A:They don't get you! Granted, that's a got...but not worthy of a Bluff Divers "GOTME" (got of the month "extreme") award. An example of a GOTME award would be: my ex-girlfriend got a job with my company as my boss, started dating Raul the mail boy, apparently she has a rare strain of herpes she passed along to me while we were dating (Raul is immune to this disease because he is from Haiti), and she has demoted me to assistant custodian with a special focus on cleaning the female waste recepticles. Now that's a got! Nay, that's a GOTME. Great idea though and this monthly vote will begin in the near future!!!
Q: If you had to recast people you know for a remake of Caddyshack, who would play what role?
A: Ahhh, good question. Way too difficult to answer because of great characters like Maggie O'Hooligan, Smoke Porterhouse, and the Chef (who also has a brief cameo in Spaceballs..."you idiots, these are their stunt doubles.") The only definite is Pops as Al Czervik. Actually I think Pops may be Al Czervik. Other solid picks include Cuomo as D'Annunzio, Mac as Danny Noonan, Myself as Chuck Schick (Judge Smails' legal clerk), and JK as a 21st century spastic version of Spalding Smails. But Alas, there is only one Ted Knight so I am afraid it would be impossible to cast Judge Smails and this remake would never get off the ground. Bluff Divers, I encourage you to respond with your choices for this question with current celebs, athletes, or friends!
Q: Who is your tourney winner?
A: I am going to jinx them if I say their real name, so I am going to say a lovely school in the next town across from Durham, NC.
Q: What's the big deal about performing enhancing drugs? I use them all time... for sex! Their called rumpleminze and tequilla!
A: Amen! Like I have always said, nothing complements a nice batch of lies like a good shot of tequilla (and vice versa). And we all know that the drunker I get, the better looking I become. To your point however, I am so sick of hearing about steroids that I think they should let these guys use whatever the heck they want...what the hey? They already do it in the NFL and the networks are paid not to report it. The point of sports, moves, music, etc. is to entertain us and what would be more entertaining than a bunch of muscle bound freaks hopped up on amphetamines ripping down backboards or breaking bats over their legs (see Bo Jackson and Jerome Lane). To quote Needle Nose Ned the Head, "It's all one big crap shoot anywho." I would love to see the All Steroid League sponsored by Bluff Divers.
Q: Who is your big tourney upset pick?
A: Well, that all depends. If I don't prescribe to gambling, my picks are typically dead locks. Twice in my life I did not enter a money poll and both times I had under four losses for the entire tourney, picked the final four, and the eventual winner. That being said in the first round I love San Diego over UCONN, Temple over MSU, Villanova over Clemson (they have to be pissed about the lack of respect they are getting, right?) and Kentucky over Marquette.
Q: What will you right about when basketball season is over?
A: First of all, nice spelling. Its "write" not "right." But for those of you that know me, I will have plenty to blabber about. In addition, the sport that was hand picked by the Superbeing as its #1 favorite, baseball, is set to begin as my beloved Bosox take on the "Moneyballs" in Japan next week (if they pay the coaches the $40 g's they were supposed to). I also intend to invite a guest columnist once per week.
Q: You should have a vote for the Bluff Divers "got of the month." The first "gotm" should be my ex-girlfriend getting a job with my company. "They" love to get me!
A:They don't get you! Granted, that's a got...but not worthy of a Bluff Divers "GOTME" (got of the month "extreme") award. An example of a GOTME award would be: my ex-girlfriend got a job with my company as my boss, started dating Raul the mail boy, apparently she has a rare strain of herpes she passed along to me while we were dating (Raul is immune to this disease because he is from Haiti), and she has demoted me to assistant custodian with a special focus on cleaning the female waste recepticles. Now that's a got! Nay, that's a GOTME. Great idea though and this monthly vote will begin in the near future!!!
Q: If you had to recast people you know for a remake of Caddyshack, who would play what role?
A: Ahhh, good question. Way too difficult to answer because of great characters like Maggie O'Hooligan, Smoke Porterhouse, and the Chef (who also has a brief cameo in Spaceballs..."you idiots, these are their stunt doubles.") The only definite is Pops as Al Czervik. Actually I think Pops may be Al Czervik. Other solid picks include Cuomo as D'Annunzio, Mac as Danny Noonan, Myself as Chuck Schick (Judge Smails' legal clerk), and JK as a 21st century spastic version of Spalding Smails. But Alas, there is only one Ted Knight so I am afraid it would be impossible to cast Judge Smails and this remake would never get off the ground. Bluff Divers, I encourage you to respond with your choices for this question with current celebs, athletes, or friends!
Q: Who is your tourney winner?
A: I am going to jinx them if I say their real name, so I am going to say a lovely school in the next town across from Durham, NC.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Ten NON-Basketball Stories to Look For in the NCAA Tournament:
Caucasion Persuasion, Greg Gumbel.Ten NON-Basketball Stories to Look For in the NCAA Tournament:
10) Sam Young's backne and inherant daily use of monkey testosterone garners national attention. Bluffdivers founder, Thorton Mellon, is required to testify in front of Congress. The committe concludes that Mr. Young is the ugliest man on the planet, replacing Hillary Clinton.
9) It is revealed that Hubert Davis and Clark Kellog are actually the same person.
8) Inside sources indicate that Greg Gumbel is 100% white. This is confirmed following a credit check, a survey of recent John Tesh cds purchased, and after a tennis racquet was found in his metallic burgundy Volvo.
7) Bluffdivers.com prints up "I like Oral....Roberts" t-shirts, thus angering the uber-religious, Tulsa, Oklahoma school. T-shirt orders quadruple after Oral Roberts upsets Pitt in round 1.
6) St Joe's coach Phil Martelli sports a full hair piece ala George Costanza....He then whispers and winks to a relativiely hot female sideline reporter..."so...hows you life?"
5) ESPN continues to give Bob Knight smaller and smaller ESPN logo'd sweaters to wear because he refuses to put on a neck tie. This ultimately suffocates The General to the point of hallucination and he picks Pitt to go the national title game...wait a minute, that already happened.
4) Inside sources indicate that Digger Phelps is actually black. His new nickname is of course, "Black Guy" Phelps.
3) The Stanford vs. Cornell game is cancelled. The teams agree to decide the winner by participating in a sciene and math related trivia game, or "Rich White Nerd Bowl I." "Black Guy" Phelps predicts that the team that answers the most questions correctly, will win the game. The rest of the analysts marvel at his insight. Reece Davis comments that Phelps is very articulate. Cornell wins in a squeaker.
2) UNLV attempts to disguise Greg Anthony, Stacy Augmon, and Larry Johnson as amatuer athletes and current players. No one notices until they blow the final game against Bobby Hurley's Duke Blue Devils...wait a minute, that already happened.
1) Kentucky super-fan Ashley Judd agrees to appear nude (and readily available) in the Wildcats locker room if they win the tournament. The Wildcats sweep their way to a title Major League style. Videos of the victory celebration are immediately linked to adult websites across the Internet, reviving Judd's career. Losing Coach Kansas Bill Self turns down an offer to star in a new Vivid picture with Brianna Banks entitled, "Self Stimulation."
Friday, March 14, 2008
Who Is This Joe Lunardi Idiot? Bluff Divers Bubble Break Down.
-ESPN "bracketologist," St. Joseph's alumni, and Hawks color-commentator, is an asshole. You heard it here on Bluff Divers. How the hell this guy gets paid is beyond me. I really can't believe he has picked 33 out of 34 bubble teams in the last 10 years. I think he might know someone on the commitee.
Here are the latest "last four in and out teams," their RPI, and the real breakdown from Bluff Divers:
Last In:
Oregon (56)- Lost in round 1 of pac-10 tourney. Since the P-10 is the number 1 RPI conference, I think they may have a chance to get in. Nice road win against Kansas St. A couple of really bad losses. But with a nickname like the Ducks, and with super-fan Phil Knight's backing, how can you keep them out?
Ohio State (46)- Quality wins against MSU and IU. Ok, whoop dee do. Both at home. Penn State had the same two wins. The Big Ten was an awful, awful league this year top to bottom. I really think they need to play their way in. Do we really need another Big Ten team in the tournament? I think I would rather watch bad lifetime movies while listening to the Moody Blues than watch Big Ten games.
Arizona State (81)- You read that correctly, eighty fricking one. This is absolutely ridiculous. If Arizona State gets in I might not watch the tourney. So they did beat Xavier handily. So what? If you look a little closer you'll find that Xavier had played and beat Indiana (18), Tourney-bound Belmont (80), Creighton (48), and cross-town rival Cincy before flying across the country to play ASU all in a 10 day span. In the same time frame ASU played and beat Coppin State and Delaware State at home. This team should not even be near the bubble. Lost in round 1 of pac-10 tourney. Great party school I hear though.
St Joe's (50)- Playing their way in. A win today against Xavier and they are a virtual lock. A strong performance and it could go either way. Did you know that their mascot is on full scholarship and is not permitted to take a break from flapping its wings during the game? Man, would that suck. By the way, if you've never been to a game at St. Joe's, by all means go. It's like a poor man's Cameron Indoor.
Last out:
UMASS (43)- First round loss to Charlotte really hurt. They still beat Dayton, Syracuse, Houston, and Charlotte but I think they probably get their bubble burst. Really slumped and under-performed down the stretch run. They have a lot of talent and could probably sneak into the Sweet 16 if given a shot. I would still pick them to lose in the first round of my pole though!
Virgina Commenwealth (55)- The tourney loves the CAA ever since George Mason went to the final four. This is a team would beat a lot of teams in a first round match-up. Choked against George Mason. Would like to see them in the tourney, but not at the expense of a more deserving team like...
Dayton (32)- I don't care what anybody says. An rpi of 32 with resounding wins against Louisville, full-strength Pitt, and St Joes late in the season should get them in the tourney! The commitee needs to realize they kept their head above water when ravaged by injury and may have Chris Wright back for the tourney. They have the ability to go to the round of 16 or beyond. They also won a conference tourney game and played Xavier tight in a second round loss. You need to put the Flyers in the tourament soley for the fact that their loss to Duquesne was the highlight of my college basketball season.
Villanova (50)- One of three bubble teams, and only non A-10 bubble team, to win a conference tourney game. If they would have played a better game agaisnt Georgetown they would have had a better shot. I think they are out and the Big East only gets 7 in this year.
Next four out:
Temple (60)- A-10 sleeper had a stong showong against La Salle in round one to play itself onto the bubble. Temple always play a brutal non-conference schedule but failed to post a quality non-conference win this year. Beat Charlotte tonight they may have a chance, but they probably have to win the A-10. Look for them in the NIT because I am not sure there is a team in the A-10 playing any better than the Owls right now. Fran Dunphy looks someone but I can't put my finger on it. Nevertheless, he is a good coach and has begun the rebuilding of Temple back into a well-respected program. He also has a great mustache, which always warrants bonus points from Bluff Divers!
Florida State (62)- They are out with today's loss to UNC. I hate Florida State. I wish some of these football first schools would just go to the SEC where they belong.
Virginia Tech (59)- Have a feeling they might creep in. A win agaisnt the 'Canes today gets them in I think. Would like to see the ACC (my second favorite conference ) get five teams in. Plus they are an A-10 alumni and the alma mater of Teflon Ron Everhart so what the heck? By the way, anybody remember Ace Custis?
New Mexico (58)- Really weak schedule and conference, one game above .500 against RPI top 100. Don't see them making it. I don't know why they are even on the list. Does Lunardi know something I don't?
Keep Bluff Diving all throughout the Tourney!
The Luck of The Irish...by John Belushi
In honor of my freckle-faced, red-headed step child friends and brethren of the bottle, Bluff Divers provides you with on of the greatest comedic rants of all time!
Jane Curtin: And now we come to St Patrick's Day and John Belushi is here to discuss the luck of the Irish.
John Belushi: Thank you, thank you very much. Well, it's come that time again, St. Patrick's Day has come and gone and well, the sons of Ireland are basking in the glow. When I think of Ireland I think a lot of colorful Irish expressions like, "Top of the morning to ya," "Kiss the barney stone," "May the road rise to meet ya," "May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you're dead," "I'd like to smash you in the face with my shillelagh," "Danny-boy," "Begorra," "Wail of the banshee," and "Whiskey for the leprechauns, whisky for the leprechauns."
But the expression I think most people identify with the Irish, is, of course, the luck of the Irish. The luck of the Irish. Sure. Let's say you're in a pub somewhere in Ireland, oh, anywhere in Ireland, some guy comes up to you and says, "Hey is that a bomb on you I hear ticking?" And then BAM!!! Your small intestines are on the ceiling and your brains are on your car across the street. That's the luck of the Irish for ya, who's kidding who, okay? Let's talk about the bad luck of the Irish, all right? How about this, POTATO FAMINE!! How about that? It scares them, doesn't it? Well, it should. That's why they came here in the first place. So they wouldn't have to work in the potato fields. That's why they became politicians, priests, and cops. Luck? Gimme a break.
(he gets more and more worked up as he continues)
I got a friend, his name is Dan Sullivan, he's Irish as they come. We used to drink together a lot. After two drinks, he would look like an Irish pirate. You know? You think he had luck? In one day he got his car stolen, and the stupid, he had no insurance, and no license, and he gets locked up for being drunk. And after that, he takes off for someplace like India or Nepal, or someplace like that. And his mother dies, ya know, so they wire him to tell him to come to the funeral. It's his mother's funeral, that's all. And he's in India or Nepal, sitting squat-legged listening to some sacred cow. So he comes back and he gets stopped at U.S. Customs for trafficking illegal drugs, not holding, he's trafficking. I mean, here's this guy Sullivan, his old lady kicks off, he gets popped at the border and he's sitting on fifty pounds of black Tibetan finger hash and two keys of slam. Now that's not bad luck, that's DUMB luck. I don't think luck has anything to do with it, I don't think he has any brains at all. First of all, he's drunk, then he's a junkie. I don't know what's worse! Don't ask me, ask Sullivan! And what happens?! He calls me up and says, "Hey man, I got busted at the border. I need five grand bail." I said, I said, "Five grand man!? Hey man, I've never even seen five thousand dollars in my life, so don't ask me for it, man, why don't you ask your mother!!" (aside) Which was a dumb thing for me to say because his mother just died. (returns to his loud tirade) Right now, I got this drunken Irish junkie who wants to kill me because of what I said about his mother being in terminal dreamland! Oh pal. One thing! One thing!!! They love their mothers, boy, oh they love their mothers. It's momma this, momma that. (starts flailing his arms wildly in the way only John Belushi could) Oh my Irish mother! Ireland must be heaven, because my mother.. aauugghhh! Aaauugghhh!!! (as he flails he nearly slams his head on the desk and then falls off his chair, still screaming)
Jane Curtin: Well, that's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Q: Why did They take away John and leave us with 30 more years of Jim? I don't get that.
HAPPY ST PADDY's DAY FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT BLUFF DIVERS!!!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Dukes Season Ends!
THIS MAN SUCKS AT HIS JOB....Jim Satalin, Syracuse HOFer, Dukes Head Coach 82-89, Director of A-10 Officials, Molestor of Collies, and off-spring of Joseph Stalin and Satan.
I will say this and only this about the Dukes year/final game:
1) The Dukes blew the game. Had chances to win. Didn't execute when they had to. Three possesions after being tied with less than a minute left: Turnover, turnover, bad shot to end the game. Lots of missed front end 1-1's
2) The refs blew, period: How convenient an overturned call goes against the Dukes in the final minute mere hours after Bluff Divers exposed an anti-Duquesne conspiracy. Bet Jim "stalin + satan =" Satalin is smiling somewhere. Please see the Q/A below to know what I am talking about.
3) How nice and tidy it is for the A-10 to have a La Salle vs. Temple match up in the second round. That has to be just a coincidence, right? That couldn't be the league with three teams in Philly wanting to increase attendance, local t.v. revenue, and gambling $, could it? Put your money on an all philly final!
4) I am glad I was unable to watch or listen to the game due to my countless devotion to my ethnic heritage. Thanks for the text messages and updates Bluto and Chancellor. I am considering having you both as guest posters.
5) It was all in all a decent year and I think we have a lot to look forward to next season. We will continue to get an easier schedule (traditionally good teams only once) and we bring a lot of talent back and in with a solid recruiting class.
6) This is only the second year in my lifetime, other than when I was an infant, that I can actually say the Dukes were winners... just not of any close games.
7) I said it a long time ago on a Dukes message board, this season is eerily similar to 93-94...not just in records. So many close losses in that NIT season that could have been.
8) The late season swoon brings Everhart back for at least 2 more years. The 2008 team will be mostly all his players and, more importantly, 3 full classes. He needs to show that he can win close games and take a team to the tourney with those players.
9) LET"S GO DUKES
10) Bluff Divers will be in FULL FORCE for the 08-09 campaign
11) Continue to check http://www.bluffdivers.com/ because the posting is not going to stop!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Bluff Diver Response to Reader Mail Bag.
The majority of these were all sent within the last few days.
Q: The Dukes don't have a shot at winning the A-10 tourney. Do they? I mean, this is the Dukes we are talking about.
The Dukes are the biggest puzzle to solve in the A-10. They are capable of beating any team at any time. They are capable of rattling off four victories. They are capable of losing badly and looking worse then the second five for Sacred Heart Elementary School in the first round. I could see the Dukes making a deep run in A.C. and I could see them being ousted by La Salle. Their inconsistent play, and horrible record against the spread when they are favored, seems to indicate that the later will happen. These tournaments are great proving grounds for coaches that want to move up to the Big Time, so let's see if old Teflon Ron can get us a couple of victories and into the post-season.
Q: Why is it so heard for Indian people to order Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell?
Ok, so this wasn't a real question. I was stuck behind Mojibar, Punjab, and Habib last night and it honestly took them five minutes to order 3 Mexican pizzas and 3 drinks. This is like five hours in fast food time. Their order sounded something like this "Pee za....blah blah click click dad dad...tiger fight....bla bla bla bla harumph harumph.... pakistan.....click click....mother bitch...click cli ball bla....dot.....coo ca coo la....Hey guys, its called a number 3. Hold up three fingers cause I am about to extend 1! Not to mention they smelled like curry pepper, crotch froth, the back of the 61C, and stale candy melted over dirty socks. Let me just tell you that this odor was beyond pleasant when mixed with the olfactory sensation that is the Robinson Kentucko Fried Ticken Bell. On second thought, how are these people eating at Taco Bell? Isn't the cow sacred to these people or something? Oh wait, that's not cow meat they are eating.
Q: Bluff Divers, Is there any merchandise for sale?
This is in the works. Thinking of starting with a basic navy blue and red t-shirt, followed by snorkel gear, flippers, shot glasses, baby bibs, foam fingers, and boxers. Then we will get crazy with the "Damn right I bluff dive," "I duked all over your bluff," "Big Hairy Bluff....Diver," "I am really small so I bluff dive," and of course, "Got Bluff Divers?" t-shirts.
Q: There is a reality show called Big Brother. There is a gay guy on the show that bears a striking resemblence to you. He also sounds just like you when you do your "hey guys, want to do the guinness toast" voice. Could this be a distant relative?
This must be my evil alternative lifestyle twin, Morton Mellon. A better question would be, "Dear Thorton, why the hell am I watching this lame ass t.v. show right now?" No seriously folks, I know that some of my relatives may have thought about taking the old berries on the chin, but I don't think any of them ever have...yet.
Q: Are the Dukes on t.v. tonight?
The answer to that is no. KQV 1410 radio is it unless you want to pay $9.95 per game to watch it online (the quality is not very good). Last year this was free. The Bluff Divers of Philadelphia chapter says this game will be televised locally in Philly. No A-10 games are on nationally until the final (there may be a semifinal game televised but I am not sure). We may get some local coverage if the Dukes make it past round one.
The A-10 t.v. deal is one of the worst of any major (ok, mid-major) basketball conference which is amazing considering the major markets that their teams play in. They need to get rid of league commisioner, Linda Bruno.
Q: Why do the Dukes constantly get homered by A-10 officials, even at home?
Well, in general A-10 officials are horrible...but you may have unlocked a HUGE conspiracy against the Dukes. THE COORDINATOR OF MEN"S OFFICIALS IS JIM SATALIN, former DUKES HEAD COACH. This man basically started the program in its downward spiral in the 80's and was ousted from Duquesne. This was not an amicable split by any means. The two men (the then president and provost) who gave him das boot were responsible for almost getting Duquesne's accreditation revoked, have both served jail sentences, and tried to oust Pops from the University. I can imagine that Satalin might be a little bitter towards his former place of employment. AHH HAA! So there it is.
Q: Why are D-Love and Party Joe such good friends now?
Party joe's psuedo stache tickles when they are making out. Plus, D-love learned a cool new way to walk and how to play songs on the jukebox for girls half his age at Pizza Milano's. "I played this song...for you!"
Q: Really, how old is Jimmy C. ?
Bluff Divers will only address this once. Jimmy C. will be 28 in April. His genetic man-child experiment, Cuomordie, however, will turn 56 in May.
Q: Who would win in a fight, Dr. Cox or Chancellor Von Helmut?
Considering that they are BFF's, I imagine that this fight is outside the realm of physical possibility. I won't waste my time in answering that question.
Q: Why are you the worst?
You must not know me very well.
Q: What's your prediction for tonight's game?
86-81 La Salle
Q: The Dukes don't have a shot at winning the A-10 tourney. Do they? I mean, this is the Dukes we are talking about.
The Dukes are the biggest puzzle to solve in the A-10. They are capable of beating any team at any time. They are capable of rattling off four victories. They are capable of losing badly and looking worse then the second five for Sacred Heart Elementary School in the first round. I could see the Dukes making a deep run in A.C. and I could see them being ousted by La Salle. Their inconsistent play, and horrible record against the spread when they are favored, seems to indicate that the later will happen. These tournaments are great proving grounds for coaches that want to move up to the Big Time, so let's see if old Teflon Ron can get us a couple of victories and into the post-season.
Q: Why is it so heard for Indian people to order Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell?
Ok, so this wasn't a real question. I was stuck behind Mojibar, Punjab, and Habib last night and it honestly took them five minutes to order 3 Mexican pizzas and 3 drinks. This is like five hours in fast food time. Their order sounded something like this "Pee za....blah blah click click dad dad...tiger fight....bla bla bla bla harumph harumph.... pakistan.....click click....mother bitch...click cli ball bla....dot.....coo ca coo la....Hey guys, its called a number 3. Hold up three fingers cause I am about to extend 1! Not to mention they smelled like curry pepper, crotch froth, the back of the 61C, and stale candy melted over dirty socks. Let me just tell you that this odor was beyond pleasant when mixed with the olfactory sensation that is the Robinson Kentucko Fried Ticken Bell. On second thought, how are these people eating at Taco Bell? Isn't the cow sacred to these people or something? Oh wait, that's not cow meat they are eating.
Q: Bluff Divers, Is there any merchandise for sale?
This is in the works. Thinking of starting with a basic navy blue and red t-shirt, followed by snorkel gear, flippers, shot glasses, baby bibs, foam fingers, and boxers. Then we will get crazy with the "Damn right I bluff dive," "I duked all over your bluff," "Big Hairy Bluff....Diver," "I am really small so I bluff dive," and of course, "Got Bluff Divers?" t-shirts.
Q: There is a reality show called Big Brother. There is a gay guy on the show that bears a striking resemblence to you. He also sounds just like you when you do your "hey guys, want to do the guinness toast" voice. Could this be a distant relative?
This must be my evil alternative lifestyle twin, Morton Mellon. A better question would be, "Dear Thorton, why the hell am I watching this lame ass t.v. show right now?" No seriously folks, I know that some of my relatives may have thought about taking the old berries on the chin, but I don't think any of them ever have...yet.
Q: Are the Dukes on t.v. tonight?
The answer to that is no. KQV 1410 radio is it unless you want to pay $9.95 per game to watch it online (the quality is not very good). Last year this was free. The Bluff Divers of Philadelphia chapter says this game will be televised locally in Philly. No A-10 games are on nationally until the final (there may be a semifinal game televised but I am not sure). We may get some local coverage if the Dukes make it past round one.
The A-10 t.v. deal is one of the worst of any major (ok, mid-major) basketball conference which is amazing considering the major markets that their teams play in. They need to get rid of league commisioner, Linda Bruno.
Q: Why do the Dukes constantly get homered by A-10 officials, even at home?
Well, in general A-10 officials are horrible...but you may have unlocked a HUGE conspiracy against the Dukes. THE COORDINATOR OF MEN"S OFFICIALS IS JIM SATALIN, former DUKES HEAD COACH. This man basically started the program in its downward spiral in the 80's and was ousted from Duquesne. This was not an amicable split by any means. The two men (the then president and provost) who gave him das boot were responsible for almost getting Duquesne's accreditation revoked, have both served jail sentences, and tried to oust Pops from the University. I can imagine that Satalin might be a little bitter towards his former place of employment. AHH HAA! So there it is.
Q: Why are D-Love and Party Joe such good friends now?
Party joe's psuedo stache tickles when they are making out. Plus, D-love learned a cool new way to walk and how to play songs on the jukebox for girls half his age at Pizza Milano's. "I played this song...for you!"
Q: Really, how old is Jimmy C. ?
Bluff Divers will only address this once. Jimmy C. will be 28 in April. His genetic man-child experiment, Cuomordie, however, will turn 56 in May.
Q: Who would win in a fight, Dr. Cox or Chancellor Von Helmut?
Considering that they are BFF's, I imagine that this fight is outside the realm of physical possibility. I won't waste my time in answering that question.
Q: Why are you the worst?
You must not know me very well.
Q: What's your prediction for tonight's game?
86-81 La Salle
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Daily Dose...
WOOW OOH OHH...JORDIE's CRYING!
-Breaking news: The Van Halen concert, scheduled for March 21st, has been postponed. And while this personally disappoints me, the tribulations and middle-aged debauchery of one of my favorite American rock bands brings a real sense of balance to the world. David Lee Roth is back with Van Halen, Eddie is all fed up on booze, cocaine, and pills, we are in an election the Democrats are going to botch with retarded candidates (thank god and nothing new), and the Dukes are competitive ....when did we time warp back to 1984? It does make everything seem ok though. I might go buy a pair of stonewashed jeans and party socks from Wal Mart, grow a mustache, pick up a Molly Ringwald DVD and Tone Loc CD, grab some Jolt Cola, Barles & James, and an 8 ball and let the good times roll. I may even Dance the Night Away, perhaps become Unchained.
-With three teams in the top 40 rpi and three others just out of the top 50, the A-10 is the seventh rated rpi conference and highest rated non-bcs conference. It has been this way all year. One team in its conference tourney does not have a winning record (La Salle at 14-15), they have three 20 win teams and could end up with five, and the league posts non-conference wins against Louisville, Pitt, Clemson, Villanova, Syracuse, Indiana, Kansas State, and Wake Forest among other top BCS conference teams (thanks, Post-Gazette). The A-10 also has brought a high octane and up-tempo style of play that is a breath of fresh air compared to the snore inducing boxing matches of the Big Least and Big Ten. (Xavier, Umass, Rhode Island, St. Joes, and Duquesne all can score with the best of them). Bracketolgy on http://www.espn.com/ has one team from the A-10 getting in! IT WILL BE COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULL SHIT IF THIS LEAGUE DOES NOT RECEIVE THREE BIDS TO THE NCAA TOURNAMENT!!! THE HIGHEST RATED NON-BCS CONFERENCE NEEDS TO PLACE MORE THAN ONE FRICKING TEAM IN THE TOURNEY.
-BLUFF DIVERS TO OPEN READER MAIL BAG: A call to all bluff divers to post comments or email me any questions you may have, your general opinions, any topics you would like me to cover, or send me any and all suggestive photographs of your attractive female relatives. Please make questions or posts concise and I will answer them on http://www.bluffdivers.com/ on a weekly basis and if your topic is worthy of its own post, I may invite you to guest post an article. I can be reached via email at jordielife@hotmail.com .
-BLUFF DIVER tournament party: Thinking of getting together with some divers to watch the tournament games. Time, location, and attendees to be confirmed later. I have off Friday the 21st, as it is Good Friday, so I am thinking of grabbing a couple of medium rare steaks and beers and watching the game. Right now the Bluff Diver central headquarters is located in Robinson, PA.
-BLUFF DIVERs in AC: By some act of the Superbeing, if the Dukes make the A-10 tourney final we are planning a classic, pretend we are still in college road trip to AC to see the Dukes. We would leave as early as possible this Saturday, watch the Dukes break our hearts, than drive back on Sunday. Just throwing it out there so you can be prepare your bluff diving gear. Please let me know who would be in and prepare your wives and girlfriends that this may happen.
-BLUFF DIVERs in the NCAA tournament: If by some sign of the Apocolypse, the Dukes win the A-10 tournament and go to the Big Dance, I will be at the first round sight (hopefully, with a legion of bluff divers in full Snorkel gear). Allow me to dream.
-With three teams in the top 40 rpi and three others just out of the top 50, the A-10 is the seventh rated rpi conference and highest rated non-bcs conference. It has been this way all year. One team in its conference tourney does not have a winning record (La Salle at 14-15), they have three 20 win teams and could end up with five, and the league posts non-conference wins against Louisville, Pitt, Clemson, Villanova, Syracuse, Indiana, Kansas State, and Wake Forest among other top BCS conference teams (thanks, Post-Gazette). The A-10 also has brought a high octane and up-tempo style of play that is a breath of fresh air compared to the snore inducing boxing matches of the Big Least and Big Ten. (Xavier, Umass, Rhode Island, St. Joes, and Duquesne all can score with the best of them). Bracketolgy on http://www.espn.com/ has one team from the A-10 getting in! IT WILL BE COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULL SHIT IF THIS LEAGUE DOES NOT RECEIVE THREE BIDS TO THE NCAA TOURNAMENT!!! THE HIGHEST RATED NON-BCS CONFERENCE NEEDS TO PLACE MORE THAN ONE FRICKING TEAM IN THE TOURNEY.
-BLUFF DIVERS TO OPEN READER MAIL BAG: A call to all bluff divers to post comments or email me any questions you may have, your general opinions, any topics you would like me to cover, or send me any and all suggestive photographs of your attractive female relatives. Please make questions or posts concise and I will answer them on http://www.bluffdivers.com/ on a weekly basis and if your topic is worthy of its own post, I may invite you to guest post an article. I can be reached via email at jordielife@hotmail.com .
-BLUFF DIVER tournament party: Thinking of getting together with some divers to watch the tournament games. Time, location, and attendees to be confirmed later. I have off Friday the 21st, as it is Good Friday, so I am thinking of grabbing a couple of medium rare steaks and beers and watching the game. Right now the Bluff Diver central headquarters is located in Robinson, PA.
-BLUFF DIVERs in AC: By some act of the Superbeing, if the Dukes make the A-10 tourney final we are planning a classic, pretend we are still in college road trip to AC to see the Dukes. We would leave as early as possible this Saturday, watch the Dukes break our hearts, than drive back on Sunday. Just throwing it out there so you can be prepare your bluff diving gear. Please let me know who would be in and prepare your wives and girlfriends that this may happen.
-BLUFF DIVERs in the NCAA tournament: If by some sign of the Apocolypse, the Dukes win the A-10 tournament and go to the Big Dance, I will be at the first round sight (hopefully, with a legion of bluff divers in full Snorkel gear). Allow me to dream.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Dukes Celebrate Victory in Home Finally! Majerus Later Found Passed Out at Fat Head's
Majerus, confused and corpulent, laments with Mr. Connie Chung
-The Dukes wrapped up their first winning season in 14 years on Saturday with a thrashing of Rick Majerus' St. Louis Billikens! I am not quite sure what a Billiken is. I think it is the second cousin of the grinch that stole christmas or something. I don't know. Regardless, it has thus ended Bluff Divers' Dukes writing strike.
-Highlights of the game included 6'10'' Keiron Archara's first dunk of the season...yes, you read that correctly...and solid performances from Reggie "I must kill the queen" Jackson and Gary "King" Tucker on senior night. (I stole that from an eight year old at the Palumbo who had a "king tuck" sign and also was sporting a scotch tape makeshift Jason Duty jersey....nice)
-Amazingly during the game Rick Majerus consumed 2 primanitis' sandwiches, 3 hostess apple pies, 2 hot pockets, a fudgesickle, a point guard, 2 aeillo's pizzas, a pallet of nerds candy, suffered three heart attacks, and pleasured himself to a picture of Barack O'Bama hugging Hillary Clinton. He followed this by cursing out and choking a player, going to a pro-choice rally, then saying three Rosarys. Quite entertaining.
-Post-game, Majerus was spotted passed out at Fat Head's in Pittsburgh's historic South Side after consuming everything on the first two pages of the menu plus italian skins and every draft beer. He was forceably removed by the "jaws of life" which can all be seen next Friday on the Maury Povich show. Side Question: Why aren't italian skins on the menu at Fat Head's?
-A special thanks to my first cousin Dave (otherwise know as BCD) for pledging his support of the Bluff Diver nation in front of my entire family, while not being provoked to do so! This was surprising as he was left off the famous Bulgarian American list in error. Classic. Thinking of naming a new Bluff Diver award in his honor. The Divine Sisters of the Busted Clitoris "Crotch Turkey" Award. Haven't decided who will be the first recipient of this prestigious hardware!
-The Dukes may have lucked out with their A-10 tourney seeding. They will play the only team in the tourney with a losing record (La Salle) to open round one. They will get a very beatable Temple team in round two if they win. Umass, Rhode Island, or Charlotte in the semis if they win that. They would not have to face Xavier, the only team that truly pounded the Dukes, hypothetically until the finals. Prediction: Four point loss to La Salle
- Call me a dreamer: Dukes beat La Salle and Temple. Rhode Island beats Charlotte and Umass. Dukes avenge BS loss to Rhode Island (they got homered BIG TIME that game). That would all but guarantee the Dukes an NIT bid. They would then square up against Xavier who would: a) be overlooking the Dukes because of how easily they beat them the last game and b) might be resting on their laurels a little bit because they have an automatic bid locked up. Dukes win on a buzzer beater from Aaron Jackson (avenging the game tying buzzer beater he missed against Richmond). Dukes get a 12 seed and upset a five (evenging the BS loss to Drake..number five in espn.com bracketology, perhaps?) in the NCAA tournament. Bill Clark (6 for 12 from 3 point land last three games) regains early season form and lights it up for 24 in the first round game.
-That won't happen for three reasons: 1) They won't let it 2) The Dukes are no good 3) Shawn James is really hurt and should not be playing nor should he have played against St. Louis.
-Here are two reasons it will happen: 1) Pops officially announced his retirment from Duquesne after approximately 84 years of service and 2) The Dukes car decal that I put on "Mr. Lucky" (my car's nickname since I bought it on 7/11/07) following the Dayton game was removed via the ice storm preceeding the St. Louis victory. Signs from the Superbeing no doubt!
-In related news, a special Happy Birthday to Pops...who turned 73 today. Let's hope the Dukes return to glory for Pop's sake in his golden years.
-Highlights of the game included 6'10'' Keiron Archara's first dunk of the season...yes, you read that correctly...and solid performances from Reggie "I must kill the queen" Jackson and Gary "King" Tucker on senior night. (I stole that from an eight year old at the Palumbo who had a "king tuck" sign and also was sporting a scotch tape makeshift Jason Duty jersey....nice)
-Amazingly during the game Rick Majerus consumed 2 primanitis' sandwiches, 3 hostess apple pies, 2 hot pockets, a fudgesickle, a point guard, 2 aeillo's pizzas, a pallet of nerds candy, suffered three heart attacks, and pleasured himself to a picture of Barack O'Bama hugging Hillary Clinton. He followed this by cursing out and choking a player, going to a pro-choice rally, then saying three Rosarys. Quite entertaining.
-Post-game, Majerus was spotted passed out at Fat Head's in Pittsburgh's historic South Side after consuming everything on the first two pages of the menu plus italian skins and every draft beer. He was forceably removed by the "jaws of life" which can all be seen next Friday on the Maury Povich show. Side Question: Why aren't italian skins on the menu at Fat Head's?
-A special thanks to my first cousin Dave (otherwise know as BCD) for pledging his support of the Bluff Diver nation in front of my entire family, while not being provoked to do so! This was surprising as he was left off the famous Bulgarian American list in error. Classic. Thinking of naming a new Bluff Diver award in his honor. The Divine Sisters of the Busted Clitoris "Crotch Turkey" Award. Haven't decided who will be the first recipient of this prestigious hardware!
-The Dukes may have lucked out with their A-10 tourney seeding. They will play the only team in the tourney with a losing record (La Salle) to open round one. They will get a very beatable Temple team in round two if they win. Umass, Rhode Island, or Charlotte in the semis if they win that. They would not have to face Xavier, the only team that truly pounded the Dukes, hypothetically until the finals. Prediction: Four point loss to La Salle
- Call me a dreamer: Dukes beat La Salle and Temple. Rhode Island beats Charlotte and Umass. Dukes avenge BS loss to Rhode Island (they got homered BIG TIME that game). That would all but guarantee the Dukes an NIT bid. They would then square up against Xavier who would: a) be overlooking the Dukes because of how easily they beat them the last game and b) might be resting on their laurels a little bit because they have an automatic bid locked up. Dukes win on a buzzer beater from Aaron Jackson (avenging the game tying buzzer beater he missed against Richmond). Dukes get a 12 seed and upset a five (evenging the BS loss to Drake..number five in espn.com bracketology, perhaps?) in the NCAA tournament. Bill Clark (6 for 12 from 3 point land last three games) regains early season form and lights it up for 24 in the first round game.
-That won't happen for three reasons: 1) They won't let it 2) The Dukes are no good 3) Shawn James is really hurt and should not be playing nor should he have played against St. Louis.
-Here are two reasons it will happen: 1) Pops officially announced his retirment from Duquesne after approximately 84 years of service and 2) The Dukes car decal that I put on "Mr. Lucky" (my car's nickname since I bought it on 7/11/07) following the Dayton game was removed via the ice storm preceeding the St. Louis victory. Signs from the Superbeing no doubt!
-In related news, a special Happy Birthday to Pops...who turned 73 today. Let's hope the Dukes return to glory for Pop's sake in his golden years.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
This man IS NOT A BLUFF DIVER
